emotions overwhelming ever since getting into a relationship

I have been on this website for years and have been enduring all sorts of mental health issues, but I've never experienced anything like this.

I've felt suicidal, I've felt anxiety, I've felt fear but I've never ever felt sadness this intense in my life. I got into a relationship for the first time in my life and months into it has made me someone I barely recognise.

The smallest bumps in our relationships send me into a spiral of intense sadness that I can't even describe. Usually, I am able to go through the worse of things by simply detaching and mainly thinking my emotions. I've never been a crier, since I was little.

I experienced something quite traumatic last year, and I was still quite stable. I did self harm, and all that but I never felt anything quite like this.

When I cry, I feel like my body is trying to purge something out of me. The kind of sadness that renders me barely functional. I feel like I'm losing control of myself. I feel so trapped in my body, I wish everything would stop. It's so scary, I want to enjoy being in love and being in this relationship but it's brought something out of me that I barely recognise or know how to handle.

The other day, we had a fight that I instigated, and I cried so hard that I lost my voice and a vein in my facial area swelled up.. My immune system has gone down the drain because of how stressed and sad I've been.

What's happening to me? My boyfriend is so good to me but there is something about being in a relationship that's triggered something in me and I'm so trapped. I feel like I would die if something bad happened in this relationship. I literally feel like that.

I've never been like this in my life. This is the first time in 20+ years that I've felt this.

BACKSTORY: I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD, OCD and anorexia nervosa in the past, but it's been long since my trauma has affected my daily life. I consider myself recovered from all of it.
This is my first relationship ever. I chose to be single my whole life but recently gave it a chance.

Perhaps the fact that this is your first relationship may have something to do with it?

It sounds this is a scary situation for you. Considering you decided you never wanted a relationship... this must feel like a huge risk. ❤️

I live on anxiety and fear. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I give into the fear feels like every time but I need to change that. I have a boyfriend of 4 years and I get upset for no reason, cut myself when I thought he would leave, and have this intense fear he will. I know I shouldn't feel like that, I'd be ok. You would be ok too. But I hate the thought of you being alone because of it. It's such a shame.

Back Story: Borderline Personality Disorder, Chronic Depression and OCD since 2008.

Well done for trying your best to deal with your anorexia, OCD and other issues.
You say that they have long since been a problem, and haven’t caused you upset for some time, so you dealt with them as best you could.
Having had these issues you can probably understand in yourself that you have the potential to be prone to deep feelings and anxieties. We can deal with our issues but I’m sure you’d agree that the potential for them to become problems at a later stage in life is still there.
Could it be that this recent change in circumstance, a seemingly life changing one, considering the fact that you’ve not been in a relationship before, has reawakened some anxiety, has bumped your life as it were and possibly made you feel vulnerable?
Certainly loving someone and needing them can make us feel this way. And knowing that you need someone can cause terrible fear in all of us, fear of loss and hurt?

Anyway, just my thoughts, I apologise if I said the wrong thing but I do hope you can cope with these demons you’re facing,

FF

C-PTSD can do this - I have been through the same in every significant relationship, the more I get closer the more painful it feels. But I am at least aware of this now, possibly more able to deal with a relationship if I could maintain my own space, if anyone wanted me that is.

Thank you for responding.

I was wondering what it could be and if it was, in anyway, connected to my ptsd. I've lived my whole life trusting only myself and not trusting anyone, but finally being in a relationship, I've since put my guard down and learned to trust someone.
And that scares me, because if I get hurt, it'd be my fault.

The smallest problems don't just make me terribly sad, I feel an inescapable level of sadness and fear. I guess I could say that I get short, but extreme bouts of suicidal thoughts.

I'm so terrified of being hurt again, I've been hurt by so many people so many times. But those were people I didn't really trust to begin with. If I were to be hurt in this relationship, I feel like it would be my last straw.

At least, that's how I feel. I don't know what to do. I want to enjoy being in love and not make it such a huge deal. But it's such a huge deal to me.

You are actually answering your own question when it comes to "why" you are experiencing this challenge. A lot of this has to do with some deep fears you have when it comes to feeling safe when it comes to relationships. The fact that you have shared "if it fails it will be my fault", is something you were encouraged to believe in your history, possibly this comes from your parents or other areas where you were encouraged to "feel" that when things don't happen a certain way, it's your fault.

I have experienced suicidal feelings as well and often that came from being emotionally overwhelmed where I genuinely believed no one would understand it and suddenly being emotionally overwhelmed can most definitely be very confusing and scary. Also, ptsd can "magnify" emotional challenges and struggling with that myself I know how challenging that can be. When you struggle this way slow down and allow yourself space to create a safe place you can go so you have space to relax and give whatever is triggering you time to gradually calm down. It sounds like you did not have a chance to understand yourself emotionally where you can "self sooth" in a healthy way and build trust in yourself when it comes to working through your own emotions where you learn how to identify them and allow them to come forward and then pass and ease up.

Are you seeing a therapist you can talk to about this?

It may well be.

For sure I’d say that not trusting anyone until now, just relying on yourself, this is a defence mechanism, this is you trying to protect yourself from what you are afraid would be vulnerability. Because if you trust someone, you are literally handing them the power to potentially hurt you.

And these small problems, making you sad and fearful, they aren’t really what’s is scaring you. Why would you be terrified of small problems? So what is causing you the fear?

It may well be the potential that these small problems hold. Because like you say, you’ve been hurt by so many people, you feel like you can’t take another hurt.

So what may well be causing you this fear and major anxiety could be the mental processes that go on inside you.

1- History teaches you that you will be hurt.

2- You are now in a vulnerable state, having invested emotionally in someone.

3- You experience a problem, small or large.

4- You’re mind tells you, from past experience, that there is potential for hurt here, and hurt that you could not deal with coming from the person that you care about. (Welcome to the racing heart, sweaty palms, and terrifying cloud of panic.)

5- Now your mind tells you that this problem will escalate, it will turn into a huge issue and end your relationship.

6- Suicidal thoughts and intense fear.

Correct me if I’m wrong, does this sound accurate?
(Do say if I’m completely off the ball here, I won’t take it personally.)

FF

Just take your time in this relationship. I have read that anorexia is about maintaining a sense of control.... it must be very scary for you to feel like you're losing that control, or to make yourself vulnerable to another person, which makes sense when it's your first relationship and you haven't been able to trust anyone but yourself.

Trust is something that is earned over time. It should not be automatically given to someone. A person, a partner, needs to show you by their actions that they are worthy of your trust and your heart. A heart is a very precious thing, so giving your heart to the right person, and not the wrong one, is important. And giving your heart to someone fully can be very frightening, as you're recognizing.

But if you know that trust is something that develops over time, and if the person backs up their words with their actions, always, and when you know in your heart that your partner wouldn't dream of hurting you in any way, it's easier to let go of that fear and to fully love. Sometimes relationships don't work out, but the pain of an ending is lessened when there is no harm involved... when someone hasn't done something to hurt the other person. So just know that going forward. Take your time, though. When it's scary, it's best to go slowly.

I can relate on many levels (cPTSD, anorexia, relationship concerns. I'm here