on the lighter side

The kid had swallowed a coin, and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother stuttered.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog seller on the sidewalk and says to the guy, "Make me one with everything."

ready for the rest f it?

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog seller on the sidewalk and says to the guy, "Make me one with everything." The guy makes the hot dog, hands it over, and says, "That'lll be three bucks."
The Buddhist pays him with a $10, which the guy takes, sticks into his cash drawer, and quickly closes the drawer, and then just stands there.
The Buddhist says, "Hey! where's my change?"
"Ah," says the hot dog vendor, "change must come from within."

What's a mummy's favorite kind of sandwich?


A wrap.

Q: Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?

A: To prepare them for the bill.

A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband and she says,

“I love you.”

He asks, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies, “It’s me............. talking to the wine.”

What happens if you sing country music backwards?


You get your job and your wife back.

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

Betty White, 88 1/2 years young, on Saturday Night Live:

"I don't understand Facebook. You get in touch with old friends? If I want to get in touch with old friends, I have to use a Ouija board!"

A mama mouse was out walking with her little mice when a cat appeared.
The mama mouse jumped in between the cat and her mice and began barking like a dog, which made the cat run off.
The mama mouse turned to her mice and said, "See? There are advantages to speaking a second language!"

What do you call a fly with no wings?


A walk.

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring.
I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

I am soooo glad I found this thread!! These are great

What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?

Flood lights!


When the snakes were coming off the ark, Noah said to them "Go forth and multiply."
To which the snakes said, "We can't do that, we're adders."

A fifth grade teacher was questioning her students use of the word "like." She explained that, contrary to their common use of it, "like" was not an adjective but a comparison word. She then challenged them to think up some similes to exemplify the lesson. This done, she moved on to ask about other figures of speech.

"Class, what others can you think of?"

No one in the class could come up with anything, so she prompted them with a couple of her own.

"How about metaphors and personification?" she asked. "Aren't they examples?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and when called upon said, "I know what a metaphor is, but not personification."

The teacher replied, "What's the word to describe what I'm saying when I point to that old willow tree and say 'He's saluting us with his branches.' Or what if I asked the sun to send us some sunshine? Or if I said 'That field of tall grass is waving at us?' What word best describes what I'm doing when I speak like that?"

Little Johnny thought a moment, then said, "Hallucinating?"

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

What did the bachelor call his broken engagements?


Near Mrs.

When I was in college one of our dorm mates was sitting with my now husband and talkiing about how disgusted he was with the frat boys who made rude comments about girls as they passed, reducing them to body parts, as he put it. my husband agreed, and they continued in happy, liberated brotherhood until quite lovely young woman walked past the porch on her way down the hill. Both young men fell silent.
All I remember was my now-husband's friend saying...
"WHAT a ....MIND!"
Well, he tried.

What do you get when you cross an apple computer with fast food?


A Big Mac

........SunnyD..........I love your one-liners!!

The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?"

"Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves."

Sign behind an Amish carriage:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.
CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"

A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?"
"Yes, sir," replied the new employee.
"I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

A frog went into a bank to borrow some money. He met a young female loan officer named Patty Black. Ms. Black, having never done business with a frog, nervously asked the frog what he had for collateral and he said a "figurine".

Stunned, Ms. Black excused herself for a moment and went to seek advice from a bank vice-president. She told the VP she had a frog in her office wanting to borrow money and she didn't know what to do, she didn't even know what a "figurine" was.

The VP rather impatiently scowled at Ms. Black and said, "It's a knickknack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.
When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctor took him aside and gave him the bad news. "We just can't wake her…. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid," he told Ralph quietly.

Ralph looked over at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But Doctor.... she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from the bed.