on the lighter side

Why don't anteaters get sick?

Because they are full of antibodies.

What do you call scrapbooks filled with pictures of former loves?


Ex-files.

"So," said the doctor, "I understand that you believe yourself to be dead."

"That's right, doctor," answered the patient.

The doctor had an idea. "Tell me. Do dead people bleed?"

The patient scoffed. "No, of course not. That's ridiculous. Everybody knows dead people don't bleed."

Feeling smug, the doctor produced a needle and pricked the patient's finger. Blood trickled out.

The patient was stunned. "Well! Look at that! What do you know?"

"Dead people DO bleed!"

On another website, I asked a question, looking for humorous answers.

My question: What is the most inappropriate song you can think of to dedicate to someone who is in the hospital?

My favorite answer so far: "Knockin' On Heaven's Door."

What washes up on very small beaches?


Microwaves!

These are all too funny! The microwaves just did me in. I'm simple minded and that was JUST my speed. You guys are all keeping me entertained.........I wish I could do the same back for you. grey

Just found this thread...these are hilarious!!! Needless to say, I'm now subscribed!!

Why are dogs such bad dancers?


They have two left feet.

April showers bring May flowers, but what do May flowers bring?


Pilgrims.

Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!
Lay on the couch, face down.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm...

Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?


Because demons are a ghouls best friend.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

He was feeling crummy

Why did the bubblegum cross the road?

It was stuck on the chicken's foot

What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?


Time to get a new fence

"Many, many years ago when I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!"

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "Well, I've always thought it would be wonderful to have a road from California to Hawaii."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I just can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think, too, of all the pavement that would be needed. No, I just can't do that. It's too much to ask."

"Okay," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want? Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed. "Did you want two or four lanes on that highway?" he asked.

A similar genie joke.

Prince Charles was driving around the royal property when he heard a sickening noise. Horrified, he got out of the car and saw that he had run over one of the Queen's prized Corgis. As he sat down to ponder how to break the news to her, he absentmindedly began rubbing a decorative statue. Soon a genie emerged.

"Thank you for rescuing me. You are granted one wish."

Charles pointed to the dog. "I have just accidentally killed one of my mother's Corgis. Can you bring it back to life?"

The genie was sympathetic, but, "No, I'm afraid that's impossible."

Charles had another idea. "Well, then, let me explain. Years ago, I was married to a beautiful woman named Diana." He showed a picture of Diana from his wallet. "Everyone loved her. But we divorced, and later she died. After that I married Camilla." He showed the genie a picture of Camilla. "She is not nearly as beautiful as Diana, and people don't like her. Can you make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two pictures. Diana. Camilla. Diana. Camilla. Finally he spoke.

"Well.... Let me take another look at that dog."

. . . . agreed . . . .
Wishing loads of smiles to everyone. . . .

What did one wall say to the other wall?


I'll meet you at the corner.

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at university.

"Oh, great," I said, "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at dinner time?
"May the forks be with you"

The ghost of Obi Wan did not approve of the marriage between Leia and Han.
Before he left, he told them, "may divorce be with you."

How to Identify Where a Driver is From

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all
lanes of traffic: New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino,
cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los
Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone,
foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on
brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear
window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above
windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with
the left blinker on: Florida

I'm still laughing.......that was funny .......thanks SunnyD

That was great!

Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how do you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier, " he replied. "You ask him a simple question that everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

Bob thought for a minute and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I don't know much about history."