on the lighter side

A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"


"Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

No offense meant!

a cute one(JMO)with some truth in it.

A little boy and a little girl are sitting on a bench.
The little girl wants the little boy to be her amour in the worst way.

The little girl slides over on the bench and sits right up close to the little boy.

She says in her sweet, hint-hint voice:

"Nobody loves me, and my hands are cold" and stares into the little boys' eyes simpishly."

The little boy (he's having none of this!!!)
"Well God loves you, and you can always sit on your hands"

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly
attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)
Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned
over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything,
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one
condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....





"Clean my house."

Had to translate this one. I hope I'm not ruining it.

I feel so guilty.........how do you put these jokes down? Do you have to hunt and peck everything out (like me) or is this all about copying and pasting.......something that I have yet to master? Whatever you all do, thank you! These are so funny.......looking forward to more...... grey

I type or copy/paste the ones I like (taken from e-mails or conversations) in a word processor file and save it as a joke database, lol.

Betty White, 88 1/2 years young, on Saturday Night Live:

"I don't understand Facebook. You get in touch with old friends? If I want to get in touch with old friends, I have to use a Ouija board!"

Why did the duck cross the road?


It was stapled to the chicken.

What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common?


Same middle name.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?



Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

Caution: subject may be touchy.

Why don't blind people like to skydive?


It scares the heck out of the dogs.

A farmer is talking to his horse, and says, “Gus, you’ve been a good horse for the most part. You’re gentle and hardworking. Sometimes you balk a bit in the morning, but you quickly get in the groove of things. . .”

The horse interrupts. “I said ‘feedbag’, not ‘feedback’, you idiot.”

What did the police say to the crook?


We are police to meet you!

These are too funny! I must confess that it took a moment to catch on to the blind people skydiving and scaring the heck out of the dogs.......but no-one has ever accused me of being the brightest bulb in the chandelier Thanks for the laughs....... grey

So glad.....

Why is it so hard to fool a snake?


Because you can’t pull its leg.

Which side of the chicken has the most feathers?


The outside

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?


ME!!!

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle’s back?


Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?


BAMBOO

What's the last thing that goes thru a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?


It's butt.

In the store where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own.

One day, after parking across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in, made her purchase, and then asked, "Do you give validation?"

Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?


He was chicken