Can someone help me understand

Can someone help me understand why this is happening. I am very easy, "95%" of the time, to get along with.

WHY is this issue with the renter washing his dishes getting out of hand. I don't understand... It is so simple... I wash the breakfast dishes. I wash the dinner dishes... YOU wash the dishes when you cook and when you eat late at night. I don't care what the renter eats or how much he eats or when he eats...I do care that he leaves his dirty dishes in the sink.

So simple, when I cook, I will clean everything... What is so hard to understand........

I'm dealing with a 33 year old man here... Ever since he moved in, I've said the same thing... Please do not leave dirty dishes in the sink. He said ok... I've talked to him in a "kind way" esp in the beginning.. But, now, 4 months later, he still leaves dishes in the sink, and I'm getting edgy, to say the least.........Not feeling oh so nice and kind now.......

Yesterday he cooked fish for his g/f and left a ton of dishes in the sink.. I put the dishes in a dishpan and put the dishpan in his bedroom. He got really mad.. In the long run, he washed his dishes.....

SO last night at 2 am he comes home, nukes some frozen food in the microwave and on his way upstairs "tells" me to turn my tv down. I would have turned the tv down, but when I saw the dishes in the sink, well you can guess, yes, I did not turn the tv down because I was irked he left a mess in the kitchen... He pounded on the floor.. I pounded on the ceiling.

Think he is in a "power struggle" with me.. But what is the deal with a "power struggle" with washing "HIS" own dishes.. That is the only thing I've asked him to do......AND YET he resists... WHY? I'm not into "power fights".............I've been "reacting" instead of well, "not reacting".....

What do I do.........4 months.....a 33 year old man... He won't wash the dishes that he uses... Not asking him to wash mine......

I'm starting to get afraid of what he might do.... Cuz he is yelling back at me ...pounding on the floor. HE is the renter...HE wants to tell "me" what to do... HE only does this when AJ isn't home.....

SO HOW DO I GET THIS IDIOT, sorry for the idiot word, to wash his freaking dishes??????????????????????????????? WITHOUT fighting....
IS he deliberately doing this...... I'd say yes......

Tell him if he doesn't wash his dishes from now on, he has to leave. He is the renter, you are the landlady. Tell him firm that he will have to go and stick to it. He needs to go anyway, this can't be good for you emotionally or for your blood pressure!

Time to find a new renter.

Tape him and play it for AJ. Do you need the income from this childish man?

unfortunately you cant control what other people do, think or say. its just part of being human and having the rights to make our own decisions...

this persons decisions just happen to be different then yours are.

one thing I had to learn when ever I had a room mate before my wife and I got together... I had to learn to pick my battles.. in my case was it really important that the dishes didnt get rinsed / washed and dried the way ....I... wanted them to.. what was important was the fact that at that time I could not afford the rental/house payments with out having a room mate. having a roof over my head was more important than trying to force someone to do things ...my...way. So when ever the room mate didnt do their dishes and it was bothering me, i learned to use the time spent on argueing, and talking to a wall so to speak and washed the dishes myself.

I still have things about living with someone that irks me to no end, even with my wife. the way I take care of those issues is remembering whats important to me maybe important to my wife.. example to my wife its important that the last dredges or swallow of something doesnt get put back in the fridge and cupboards but to me I was raised in poverty where even the last dredges and swallow of something can be put to use.. its important to me that things are put back where they belong / my wife is one where things just get set where its convenient at that moment. its important to me to not have dirty dishes in the sink but my wife could care less.

some people cant stand it when someone eats with their mouth smacking other people believe lip smacking is a compliment to a great meal, some people hate it when those they live with snore, snort, fart, belch, leave their dirty socks where ever...

what it all boils down to we all have our faults and kwerks that bother other people.

we cant control what other people do but we can control how we react. we can continue to stress out about something or we can think ok this is bothering me so i might as well wash those dishes myself...it takes the same amount of time or less and less stress to wash a few dishes then it does picking a fight by trying to get my wife to do things my way. sometimes we compromise where she washes and I wipe or i wash and she wipes. but over all I cant force to to believe dirty dishes in the sink is a life threateningly important issue.

Dirty dishes are not life threatening no but a disregard for simple house rules is disrespectful and inconsiderate. Why should the property owner put up with such slovenly ways. He is only asked to clean up after himself. He didn't like the dishes put in his room but expects the poster to accept them in the kitchen. Why ? If the house rules can't be kept, then time to move on. Find somewhere where this behaviour is acceptable.

Time for some tough love mama!

Pegasus. Interesting that you mentioned "blood pressure" and that this isn't good for me emotionally. You hit the nail on the head with this. I didn't even think of it, until you mentioned it...High blood pressure runs in my family. Funny how little things can get under one's skins. But I'm think there is much more to this than washing dirty dishes...

Unhappy guy... that would be the "best" solution... TO find another renter.. But then he isn't the worst renter we've had here. Actually he is the first one that even tries to pay his rent on time... hmmmmmmm

IowaFarmGal.........The reason AJ rents the room is for the extra income. Money is "tight" these days and any extra income is helpful.............

Amandalouise...Have to come back in a few to fininsh my response.

LadyZero....... You took the words right out of my mouth. You said it "exactly" the way I see it...... feel about it..........

Yes......yes..... yes...... smilen now

NoCake.... Yup, tough love indeed is needed here.

I feel for you, RF. It's hard not to make harsh judgements of a person that behaves like this.

I would now approach it by asking questions. Why does he continue to not wash dishes? Did he have to wash too many dishes growing up? Was it some kind of punishment, something used to make him feel inferior? Or, does he simply perceive it to be something that's beneath him? Maybe he could be induced to chip in some other way; perhaps taking out all of the garbage, or buying dinner once a week. But either way, he should be carrying through with the agreement he made, and be responsible.

If that doesn't work, I would approach him again and let him know he's going to have to sign a rental agreement for whatever period of renewal is left for him. Doing the dishes he dirties should be clearly included, and he should sign off on it. And if he does not stick to it, he only gets one more warning before the sheriff is called and he is evicted.

All adult human beings are expected to carry their share of the work involved in running a household.

He cannot leave his mess for others to clean up after him, and then expect anyone to respect him.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with someone like this. His behaviour is pretty childish and irresponsible.

PS: My husband, who is such a good man in so many wonderful ways, is seriously allergic to even rinsing a dish, let alone washing them or helping me keep the kitchen tidy. In spite of numerous reasonable and patient requests on my part, it just never changes. I am thinking there are just some people who have a mental block that way. The only way I can deal with it, because I cannot evict him, is to curtail how much I cook for him. That's when it usually hits home for him. (But he forgets the lesson almost as soon as he's learned it!)

Like I said, I think some people just have blinders on, regarding certain situations. You might never get through to him.

But I wish you success anyway.

I agree with MuseumGhost,
If the dishes are important to you have your renter sign an agreement and insist that he follow it or evict him.

I handled a similar situation poorly when I was younger (my bf and our male roommate refusing to wash dishes). After several what I'm sure were terribly reasonable requests on my part that they clean up after they cooked, the requests were ignored.

I'd come home from work totally steamed that the sink, which was empty and clean when I left, was piled with dirty dishes. So, I washed every dish in the house, packed them in boxes, and went to walmart and bought paper plates and plastic silverware. Problem solved. If they wanted to cook they could get a pan from the garage. If the pan was left dirty in the sink I threw it in the dumpster. Of course it helped considerably that all kitchen items belonged to said boyfriend. After the first couple of pans in the dumpster he magically learned how to do dishes.

kitty I wouldnt call how you handled the situation as being poorly handled.. in fact I know many people who deal with the dirty dishes that way. I have a friend who lives on her own and she refuses to wash dishes. she buys paper plates and plastic silverware, and foods that she can wrap up in a paper towel to microwave, or the food comes in its own microwave-able or oven safe disposable dish. when shes done eating she places the paper and plastic items in recycle bins. department of sanitation / garbage collectors /recycle collectors take the trash away. one day during a support group meeting she told about in her words "obsession with not doing dishes" and her solution. no one called her irresponsible. everyone thought she handled the problem fantastically and creatively and many went out and tried it their selves and reported back to the class that it was so cool because it felt like they were out camping with out having to leave the comforts of home. I was one of those people that tried using the disposable way and enjoyed the simplistic and creativeness of it, and also at times my wife and I do use this approach. as a mater of fact at this very moment my wife and I are living the cook and dispose way because it is just so much easier at this time for the both of us.

poorly handled... no,......very creative and stress free yes...

amandalouise ....
I wrestled with your comments last night and most of today. What comes to mind is that "WAS" "so me" to just not make waves. Always be nice. Do the right thing. Don't make others upset. Maybe they just had a "bad" day . I'm bigger than that. I can handle it. Just don't make waves and things will settle down. We must never upset anyone or make them angry. We must tiptoe. Never make noise. I don't bother you, then you won't bother me. God forbid if we make anyone angry. Even if they invade our boundries... Say nothing. We know better than to invade other's boundries. We have "NO" rights, feelings or wants...Did you notice I said that "WAS" the me. Well, that isn't me anymore.

You said "what it all boils down to we all have our faults and kwerks that bother other people". Yes, this is true... But the problem with the renter isn't "quirks". When I was putting up the Christmas tree, he said I was making too much noise.. He complains my dog barks too loud. He complains my tv is too loud so he comes down stairs and stands there with folded arms, tapping his foot, expecting me to immediately turn the volume down. He walks around like he is the "landlord". That we comply to whatever he wants. This, in my opinion, doesn't fall under "quirks" as it does someone that deliberately tries to get under my skin.. AND you think I should wash his dirty dishes.. NO WAY. I even told him that if he wants to get along and have a peaceful environment to lay off my back.. He has chosen to be a "troll"

You said "unfortunately you cant control what other people do, think or say. its just part of being human and having the rights to make our own decisions"... Hello, needless to say, I have "rights "too. I am "human" too...

Bottom line, I now resent those who impose on me for their benefit.... Those who impose "their" rights on my "territory"........SO for a test, I washed the few dishes he left the other night. My stomach started to burn, I started to feel ill...So this is my reward for not "making waves" and making the environment peaceful. Well then, who does it benefit should I wash the renter's dishes. It benefits him, not me. I feel "used". Why? Because I am the one stuck at the sink washing his dirty dishes, stomach churning while he is laying on the sofa watching TV. Seems to me he should be doing his own dirty work.. Not me..

I do appreciate your comments.. Although I don't agree, I do respect your opinion. Thank you for taking the time to respond..
　

yes you have rights but you cant force someone to do something they dont want to do.. at least here in new york the law says everyone makes their own decisions unless they are under the age of 18. adults are free to make their own decisions about what they want to do and say. not everyone is going to do and say things the way we want things to be done or said...

for me it boiled down to not fighting over dishes when I could use the time better by washing the dishes and going on with my life...

could I have handled the situaiton differently sure I could have.. I could have stood there argueing and argueing and the dishes sit there until they grew moldy.. I could have found a new place to live, I could have kicked the renter out...

these are all actions that ....I ...could have taken.

but one action just isnt possible ...forcing another adult to go wash the dishes if they choose not to do so. theres no way to force an adult to do things the way we want them to.. we can ack them we can yell at them we can kick them out but that doesnt mean the renter is going to do those dishes...

let me use another example...posters here on psych central... can you force someone here to do something they dont want to do for example maybe the word sunshine triggers you, irritates you and you want posters to not use that word to find a different word to discribe the weather where they are..you can ask them, you can place them on ignore you can report them but that does not mean they are going to stop using the word sunshine and post the way you want them too right..

its the same when you are room mates or renting...you can control yourself and your reactions/ options of what ...you can do....but you cant force the room mate or renter to do those dishes.

thats my point when I said unfortunately you cant control other people.. there are many people in my work and private life I would just love to be able to control and make them do things my way but theres no way to do that..I would love my co worker to stop leaving her empty coffee cups on the desk, or gosh I wish "franklin" would stop farting as he walks by, and "jerry" really needs to stop leaving his nasty nose wipes around.. we can ask, we can threaten, we can impose rules....but only my co worker can decide whether to throw her coffee cups away or not, only franklin can decide whether to consult a doctor or not about his gas problem and only jerry can decide whether he wants to stop leaving nasty nose wipes all over or not.. I cant control their unsanitary ways and that they cant or wont take care of things, all I can control is me and my actions.

MuseumGhost.... You made some really good suggestions. I think he answered one of the questions this evening when he washed his plate but left his cup and spoon in the sink. I get the feeling he just doesn't want to wash his dishes, or he may even feel it is "beneath" him to wash dishes. Either way, he is being loud and clear how he feels about the situation by only washing half of his dishes..

You said, "He cannot leave his mess for others to clean up after him, and then expect anyone to respect him".. Exactly. That is how I feel. According to him, we are expected to respect him, yet he shows no consideration or respect for others..

You said "All adult human beings are expected to carry their share of the work involved in running a household." And I agree 100% with what you said. I don't know what more to say, without getting on a "soap box". Guess I'm getting tired and have decided to just put his dishes in the dishpan and put the dishpan on the patio and when he feels like doing them, he can wash them. I just don't want to look at the dirty dishes all day in my sink...

Of course when I was married, my now x would rinse out his glass or rinse off his plate if he snacked after dinner. Took him a few seconds and it was done and I never asked him to clean his snack dishes. He just did it. I had a dish washer then and well I always was the one to stack the dish washer. I was a housewife and it did not bother me to clean dishes or to keep the house clean. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. And was lucky to have had the opportunity. Looking back I think I would have been better off if I had worked either full time or part time.

ANYway you look at it, living with renters is not fun. It would work if folks would be responsible for sharing the household duties and being considerate of each other. But there is no such thing as a perfect marriage and there is no such thing as perfect housemates.. SO we move on...thinking of all the ways we can deal with the renter's dirty dishes. Stack them in his room.. Stack them outside. In my free time, just think of where we can stack them..

Kitty.. I think your boxing up the dishes was a great idea. Have to admit, we did buy paper plates. Renter refused to use the paper plates. shrugs shoulders...

"shhhhhhhhhhhh" extra shhhhhhhhh.. Had to smile when you said dishes were tossed in the dumpster... ummmmm Well we used to have a lot more dishes than the 4 we now have. AJ swears I threw them out. But I'm not talking...

Then, he'll just have to eat off the floor I guess. Good grief! He needs to grow up and be respectful of your home and of you. I'd say provide paper plates (actually HE should provide the paper plates) and make your own dishes off limits unless he cleans up after himself. OR, say you'll do his dishes if he will pay you extra each month for being his scullery maid.

When I originally bought the paper plates my ex refused to use them. That's why all the dishes got boxed up - I mean everything(!) and put in the garage.

I like farmergirl's idea too. Increase the rent or impose a "fee" if he chooses to continue not to do the dishes. Like, a dollar a dish or unlimited dishwashing for an extra $100/ month

then if he refuses to eat out of paper plates he can go out or learn to do his own dishes!

Bebop.. I LOVE your tag line... I think that is what it is called. He who angers you controls you...... I just love that and I try to burn it in my mind. Because it is soooo true, he that angers you controls you.....And that is exactly what the renter is trying to do,,, ANGER me.. which he has... needless to say, I do believe this is a control issue with him........... He is barking up the wrong tree......

farmergirl..Good idea... he can pay me to be his scullery maid... I like that a lot.. Making my dishes off limits is also a great idea...When he "grows up" and learns to wash his dishes he can use our plates. Until then, there are plenty of paper plates that are calling him to use them.. love it..