[FaithlessCat]

This is something I have pondered for a while now and would love to hear other people's thoughts.
For years I put my husband and child first, I was the one having to be strong, holding it all together until it became too much and I totally fell apart.

Because of my bipolar when people ask how I am. I tell them. I mean, I have stuff I need to share and not keep bottled up until I fall apart. so if someone asks me, I open up and feel relief getting it off my chest.

Recently I have found myself trying to just say " I'm fine thanks " when people ask how I am because it seems that's the secret socially acceptable response instead of actually saying ... well to be honest I'm not too great ....

I'm not a nosey person by nature so I don't ask the ins and outs of people's lives and I have found this results in people thinking I'm only interested in taking about myself

Or when visiting friends I sit and listen to all their news etc and keep my mouth shut about what I'm going through.I do like listening and offering advice. I love helping people and making them feel better.

So I'm curious as it seems to have evaded me. When is it actually ok for me to talk about my worries and woes before it all becomes too much ?

[lizardlady]

I'm curious to see people's responses too.

I'm struggling from day to day myself, but have my "I'm fine" face on for others because I don't feel like anyone wants to hear anything else.

[StarStrike]

I know most people in my life cannot handle the truth. So I put on a mask in front of them. Though there are a few people who I can pour my heart out to.

[eskielover]

I am usually fine unless something really bad hits my life like I'm experiencing now. Initially I expressed my issue to those who asked how i was....most are great & understand the seriousness & ask if I have had any success in resolving the medical issue & it's easy i just say....NO. I have one friend who loves to solve the worlds problems & tbh discussing or talking about my issues only creates others....& I have been so busy trying to make the most of my time incase the worse case situation hits me I haven't had time to just sit & talk...& I wouldn't want to talk about my situation anyway & don't have time to just sit there & listen to her problems either. So some arear I isolate so I don't have to say anything knowing that NO GOOD would come from it....& others i say just enough to let them know...no change without continually getting into any details. But I don't say I'm fine when I'm not either while also not dumping my woes on my friends either....think it's possible for the right balance to occur & mostly it works as long as i don't accidentally get drawn into saying too much to my dear friend who means well

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[FaithlessCat]

So I guess it's a case of filtering friends into categories. The ones you say ... yeh I'm fine thanks. And the ones you can pour your heart out too.

Guess it depends on being lucky enough to find plenty of the latter.
Still, I find it hard to and begrudge having to keep my mouth shut and play niceness with false people.

[smileyelly]

I have no idea what and how much to share, I have been burned by both ends of it. I usually sit back and listen and try to find a connection and then jump on it, but then it has been used against me. If I don't share or I hold back then I am considered cold and negative. I can't win. I am suppose to hold everything together and when I start to shatter then I am looked at as the weak one and need to get it together. eff that. I need a break!!! Ps I seem to always find the false people, I think I am a false people magnet.

[MuseumGhost]

It DOES help to make friends within the realm of people who share your experiences. Individuals I've met here have gone on to become people I trust very much, who are also great listeners, and have helped me enormously, more than once!

Then, you'll find it easier to save the details for those who will genuinely grasp what you are going through, and who will show sympathy and be supportive and kind.

We must keep in mind that even people who do not suffer what we go through still DO have issues they deal with daily, and weekly, and month-to-month. They might involve health or finances or any of the 10,000 other things the human condition imposes on us.

But they, too, have to pick and choose when and when NOT to open up about particular things. Because, so often, people on the receiving end are just not well-suited to help. And it can lead to awkwardness and embarrassment on the part of the listener, as well as on the person doing the soul-spilling.

I hear your plight. I am kind of cut off here where I live, without a ton of 'real-life' friends, since I moved here 12 years ago (which I never had an over-abundance of, to begin with, as I have moved a lot). Husband has been historically pretty good at listening, but is now becoming tired of me, and he makes that abundantly clear.

So I REALLY understand.

Massive hugs to you, as you pick your way long this tricky path....

I thought I could trust and rely on my therapist but that was a big mistake. I can't trust anyone.

[FaithlessCat]

I am so sorry to hear that Rivrboat I cant imagine what that must feel like, to be let down by the one person you really should be able to rely on for understanding and support.

I'm glad to see I am not the only one facing this dilemma thou .... It does peeve me that I cant seem to find many friends who truly understand what its like and my god but there is such a huge stigma still attached to mental health issues in this country.
I have found that I actually connect better with people from the UK where I lived for 20 years because they are much more open minded and a lot less repressed !

Museum, I def hear what you are saying but I struggle to understand the people who dont open up, as part of my 'illness' I like to fix people, I want them to open up to me so I can help them, but I realise that this is my 'bag' so to speak and not theirs. I can't fix everyone and not everyone wants to open up.

I'm hoping by the time I come out the end of this getting the right meds and treatment hell I will be much happier with myself and find it far easier to cope with when to speak and when not to and when not to take things personally.

[SeekerOfLife]

It is sad to say, but I don't trust most people to discuss the things I struggle with daily. T. knows of course. I have hinted at it with a few others, but no one seems to care much.

[Vanes1982]

Hello!
I do believe it's best to share your deepest thoughts with people you trust and LOVE YOU. what works is to have an inner circle of friends and family members who cherish you and will support you. Talking about positive things that happened in the day will keep you mind off the negative.

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by seekersinking

It is sad to say, but I don't trust most people to discuss the things I struggle with daily. T. knows of course. I have hinted at it with a few others, but no one seems to care much.

I agree with you. Most people just don't care about the deep stuff, they have enough of there own troubles. I have one friend I can really talk to because she suffers from major depression and anxiety. Her I can be honest with. We have each other.

[Fuzzybear]

Understand this dilemma

[Blingjeansqueen]

You ARE important! Your feelings DO matter! You don't speak up about your feelings because you fear rejection on some level? Do you not think you are important enough to have a voice? You are valued... find a close friend to start with and open up. It's amazing the validation of being heard and understood.

[eskielover]

I don't believe we should go into depth with those who aren't close to us. It's easy to tell those not close "not having a good time right now" rather than saying "fine" & not have any expectation of the conversation going any farther than the politeness of the "fine" interface. At least that way it's an honest answer that isn't expecting concern unless they are really interested.

Personally I don't WANT to share my personal information I share greeting interfaces with as it's really none of their business than to know things aren't "fine"...

BUT there are times when FINE is appropriate...
F - Fouled up
I - Insecure
N -Neurotic
E - Emotional

so one isn't always lying when one claims to be FINE

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[transient]

@eskielover- my aunt taught me the same thing about being fine, only the F was hilariously "f'd up".

I have the same issue, faithless cat. I don't lnow when it its spcially acceptable to talk about things I'm having a hard time with.
My mom is the closest one to me I can talk with but there comes a point where it gets too much for her- she doesn't like to hear negative things (no matter how true) about my sis and father. And she becomes emotionally unavailable when I need her the most.

When I bring it up to my 2 online /only friends, I feel like it would be too much negativity and become paranoid that they're tired of it & tored of me. I worry that it makes the relationship based on negativity, as I'm so stressed lately the only things on my mind are negative
This issue is essentially isolating me from the only 3 people I have in the entire world and it sucks.

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[medicalfox]

I have a couple of friends I can pour my heart out to, but with everyone else I don't bother speaking to about my problems. Most people don't care about hearing others problems and sometimes it can overwhelm them. My biggest problem is that I really don't trust anyone and it's hard for me to trust people. People can be dirtbags about private information.

[Citrine]

Im so sorry Faithlesscat. I know how you feel truly. Its a little frustrating and makes you feel even more sad? I never tell people the nitty gritty. Only on here coz we are all here for the same and also I have a couple of friends that know my problems and my main cousin as she is a very serious sufferer. Her brother too. In fact quite a few of us are so yeah they get me but still I dont talk that much to them.

I used feel put out not being able to speak freely but now I know its wise only to speak to sympathetic ears. `Normal' (so called) folk just dont have the time, energy or sensitivity to understand. Hugs to you.

[00642]

To be totally and completely honest, I think that most people don't actually care. They don't want you to talk about yourself and if they do, it's like "oh my god. shut up."

To be honest as well, if it was me and I was like "How're you?" and that's one of my opening questions, I wouldn't really expect them to start pouring their heart out to me. It's a simple "break the ice" kind of question whilst you sit down and all that, I think. Although, with one of my friends, we ask eachother the same "How're you?" about five times in a conversation because then one of us will start talking and 'pouring our hearts out'. I think it works a bit better that way but I know exactly what you mean by not knowing when it's classed as acceptable.

It's been so long since I've had the kind of "get off my chest" conversation with somebody that isn't my blog.

[LadyShadow]

If I am really feeling bad, I have several friends that I can really open to. Or I just put a post up on Facebook, like "Could really use someone to talk to, PM me". I don't do that too often so those that know me don't expect it and I usually get a lot of responses.

I don't open up that much, and I usually fight my own battles, but I am comforted by knowing if something is really bad I have people who care.

[Nicks_Nose]

Sometimes it starts with simply mastering adjectives. An English teacher in high school would not permit the use of "fine" or "okay" as an answer. Perhaps a simple start with a person using a more descriptive word like moody, overwhelmed, excited, nervous etc, leaves more invitation for further discussion. Then, simply follow with a statement if you want to go no further, or leave it open for the other person to inquire if they want to listen and help.

If you feel like offering help but people are not asking for it, simply say that you were wondering if they could use your help with anything at the moment, or ask how their day is going and let it be known you have an ear to bend. Beware though of people who just want to waste your time.

[Alone & confused]

Honey I'll tell the checker at the store what kind of day I'm having! I don't give a damn! If you don't want to know "how I'm doing", don't ask. You have to think about self preservation. Don't worry about what people think. Keeping things bottled up could turn into something far worse than "bothering" someone by telling them how you feel. If they don't want to hear you, then their not very supportive to you anyway. And of course , you have all of us here that you can vent to.

[FaithlessCat]

Originally Posted by Nicks_Nose

Sometimes it starts with simply mastering adjectives. An English teacher in high school would not permit the use of "fine" or "okay" as an answer. Perhaps a simple start with a person using a more descriptive word like moody, overwhelmed, excited, nervous etc, leaves more invitation for further.

Interesting . I must try this if not for myself but for the simple enjoyment of throwing them for a loop muwhahah

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Honey I'll tell the checker at the store what kind of day I'm having! I don't give a damn!

Lol that really made me smile. Xx

I am gradually realising that is universally a problem with my fellow country men. There is just a huge stigma attached to mental health issues here. I guess having lived abroad in the uk for many years i became accustomed to a more liberal and open way of life. I thought my own country would have moved on from their repressed Conservative thinking but i have accepted this is not the case.
It's not me is them

Luckily for me my neighbour is from the uk and i have found a good friend in her i can say ANYTHING and she doesn't mind in the least

Also i have made some good friends on here and i don't feel alone anymore.

i am going to have a consult for a tattoo on my back next week and while i am there i am going to have " never alone " done very small on the inside of one wrist. And "love" as in the "to write love on her arms" campaign on the other.

Im tired of questioning myself.
I will no longer be ashamed of the person i am xx

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[kittyfaye]

I have very few friends I actually talk to and I tell my boyfriend everything and talk to his parents, especially his mom. She loves me to death. Lol. I just don't talk to my family especially MY mom. She's so judgemental. So I usually keep most things from her. Before I met my boyfriend I just kept everything bottled up inside and explode later. I know that's not good, but I had no one to talk to.

[Nicks_Nose]

Originally Posted by kittyfaye

Before I met my boyfriend I just kept everything bottled up inside and explode later. I know that's not good, but I had no one to talk to.

I am the same way. Always trying to stay calm and in control, until it all comes exploding with a silly question or incident.