[seeker33]

Trigger warming : Christmas depression



Anyone else not too excited about Christmas and new year?
My mum was diagnosed with leukemia last month again (3rd time)
I've made some progress with my mental health this year but now I'm concerned it may be all wasted
Nothing to look forward to next year, have no idea what to do with my life
Being confused by my spirituality makes Christmas very painful in a deeper, spiritual way. I'm very triggered by hearing Christmas songs everywhere and people faking happiness.

Are there more people who feel similar?

I am sorry about your mum--I hope she is not in too much pain.

I have not decorated at all--it doesn't matter since my son cannot come home even to visit. Christmas is supposed to be about happy homecomings.

I have never felt like I truly belong to any church because I have never felt like my faith was strong enough or that I was a good enough person (too rebellious) to really fit in. Except for in my youth (our family went 3X a week), when I have attended, I don't go regularly.

But the Grinch song does make me smile and I have always loved the Charlie Brown Christmas songs. The only Christmassy things I really like are some of the Christmas shows and movies like It's a Wonderful Life, Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer, A Christmas Carol, and A Charlie Brown Christmas. If you think about it--in all those movies, the main characters also find Christmas very painful but do find joy in it somehow. Perhaps we wish to find meaning in it as well but never can? Maybe the messages in these movies have set us up for disappointment?

[DechanDawa]

The Christmas my mother was ill was so confusing. I had fallen deeply in love so that made me happy, and I had a job that I loved, which was great. But my mother was gravely ill. I lived in a big city and my mother went into a hospital there and every day after work I would slug across town and be at the hospital 4 or 5 hours. I would take the bus home late in the evening, have a scotch (I was drinking heavily) pass out and wake up to do it all over again. When I went out with my boyfriend and had a good time I felt guilty. It is sooooo confusing when a parent is ill.

That Christmas my boyfriend and I announced we were engaged. My Mom took us aside and said, "What utter nonsense. You hardly know each other. You don't have to plan to get married just to create a happy ending before I die. Anyway, you guys don't even have a ring you are so darn poor. Just love one another and be good kids."

So we called off the engagement. It was very wise of my mother to see all that.

I would say do what you can manage and leave the rest. Your mental health gains are extremely, extremely important. Protect them.

Now that I am older I know that every Christmas is special in its own way.

That Christmas I felt confused. What I remember is I drank too much. I should have stayed sober, I think. Everyone in my family was acting out.

Some holiday seasons are insane and just accept that and be kind to yourself.


PS I eventually married the boyfriend.

Originally Posted by seeker33

Trigger warming : Christmas depression



Anyone else not too excited about Christmas and new year?
My mum was diagnosed with leukemia last month again (3rd time)
I've made some progress with my mental health this year but now I'm concerned it may be all wasted
Nothing to look forward to next year, have no idea what to do with my life
Being confused by my spirituality makes Christmas very painful in a deeper, spiritual way. I'm very triggered by hearing Christmas songs everywhere and people faking happiness.

Are there more people who feel similar?

new year I really don't care for- for me it's a guilt trip from new year's eve (or maybe a bit before), to the end of new year's day

christmas I can cope with

despite being alone for the holidays their's quite a bit I can actually enjoy

[greentires4me]

Not meaning to hijack your thread here it is:

Every year now that my dad is gone since 2015. Christmas isn’t the same he was Santa giving out presents to everyone, making corny jokes, inappropriate gestures(he had a stroke in 2011), playing Beatles music , and drinking egg nog. He didn’t exactly enjoy the holiday he loved Halloween. But he did this for me and my sister. He died from blood cancer i forget the correct term for it started with an M...I watched since 2011 my dad deteriorate before my eyes after the stroke had left him with paralyzed on the right side of his face his speech was impaired and he now was no longer an adult he was 5 years old. I went from his daughter to his caregiver I knew this way was coming I just didn’t know it was going to be when I was in my 20s. I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t sure I was be able to step up to the plate. When the tables turn in life either we run away or we step up and do the right thing.

My dad had mental health issues he had OCD, depression and anxiety. I am sure being his daughter with his OCD I am different I am more critical of how things look or piece together. I have my own diagnosis though it’s BPD with psychotic features, depression and Social Anxiety.

The first I felt belonged in this world for Christmas was in 2005 doing a National Youth Volunteer Program called Katimavik. I learned lots of things and my family is about material gifts where katimavik my family we did it about kindness and giving. We gave back to the community by cooking and serving everyone who comes to the local food bank on Christmas for lunch. Actually I was elected to cook since I used to do that for a living before I had joined katimavik. We made 15 turkeys and 4 hams. I told them to buy turkey cookers it saves on oven space. There was no counter space while the birds cooked. But as soon as they were done we elected someone else to carve them. We made 6x 20lb bags of potatoes for mash. Other people in there group peeled them all Outside in the snow. I made the gravy helped with the seasonings of all the products put on the table. In the end I believe Christmas Eve was the busiest time the time of that year.

Anyways long story short my memories of that are good but now I have decided not to buy large expensive gifts for this Christmas . I am on disability and money is tight I have bills, I need winter clothes, & food in my belly. I also rather be around my friends then around my family. My family is blood but they are not genuine those that are not my dad. They made promises after my dads memorial on Halloween in 2015. That they never kept. I have learned that you cannot rely on blood family for anything they will always let you down.

grinch or Saint Nick with a lump of coal is my idea.

[guilloche]

Seeker33, thank you so much for posting this. I've been avoiding looking at the other Christmas threads, because I didn't want to jump in and spoil everyone else's fun with my misery.

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. Hope things work out OK for you both.

I'm stressed and depressed. I was feeling completely and utterly overwhelmed, and then got sick (a cold) this weekend... with my mom and sister coming in to visit tomorrow. I feel very short-fused and kind of hate everyone right now. I am especially hating my job, and a couple meetings/interactions today made me realize how bad it is and how much I need to find someplace else to work

It's hard, and the holidays aren't in any way meaningful for me, so the whole "everybody be happy!" and multiple work Christmas parties (that I'm trying to politely dodge) aren't helping.

Just not feeling it. And I had to skip therapy this week (because of my cold).

Ugh...

[eskielover]

My mom was dying of cancer at Christmas in 2004 & I was in the medical hospital with anorexia.

Another friend I made after leaving Calif was also dying of cancer at Christmas 2010 & last Christmas my elderly friend died on Christmas day.

This year I an caring for my 2 elderly doggies who are my family & my babies. One is just older & my buddy I found out has a lung tumor. I leave the house to do little things for a couple of hours max but my life this winter is dedicated to being home care for my doggies with meds & special food that I need to give them every couple of hours to keep the weight on them.

But even with this I am just not grinchy but I also don't have my heart into Christmas because my mind & heart this year is wrapped up with my doggie family.

My friends even postponed our Christmas get together until after New Years. One is going on a cruise just before Christmas with family & my other friend is going with family back to the west coast for Christmas & my dogs just need constant care & monitoring.

Money is very tight this year too so that just adds another layer of difficulty to the picture & I haven't had time to make any gifts.

[seeker33]

Thank you everyone. Your stories are touching and I feel for you all!!! hugs!!!!!!!!!
I hope we'll somehow manage this Christmas. It feels slightly better knowing we're not alone who's struggling.
SEnding hugs and love to everyone

Honestly, I despise Christmas. It is my most hated holiday along with Thanksgiving and Valentines Day.

Why you might ask? Well it's quite simple:

I have no family and nobody cares about me. Christmas reminds me of just how alone I really am in the world. I am surrounded by people talking about their happy families and what they did and got for Christmas and whatnot, meanwhile, I have nobody. I belong nowhere.

Hell, I spent Thanksgiving getting drunk and playing video games for 20 hours straight just to escape from the loneliness. I'll probably do the same on Christmas.

So Christmas can blow me.

[seeker33]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Honestly, I despise Christmas. It is my most hated holiday along with Thanksgiving and Valentines Day.

Why you might ask? Well it's quite simple:

I have no family and nobody cares about me. Christmas reminds me of just how alone I really am in the world. I am surrounded by people talking about their happy families and what they did and got for Christmas and whatnot, meanwhile, I have nobody. I belong nowhere.

Hell, I spent Thanksgiving getting drunk and playing video games for 20 hours straight just to escape from the loneliness. I'll probably do the same on Christmas.

So Christmas can blow me.

[zapatoes]

Usually like Christmas but this is first year celebrating it without my dad since he passed away in June of this year. It’s just not the same.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t feel like a grinch exactly, but I’m not feeling as much Christmas spirt as I usually do. I’m watching Christmas movies, watching Christmas TV specials, listening to Christmas music, buying Christmas presents, I know I’m getting presents. I’m just not feeling it this year. It’s weird because last year I felt a ton of spirt and things were much harder then they were this year. Things are legit going better this year, but I actually feel worse for some reason. Why would this be? I know I had vacation plans set up last year for this year that I was looking forward too, but I have vacation plans for next year too. So it’s not that. I really can’t put my finger on it.

[eskielover]

My Christmas spirit just took wings & flew away. I lost my dog Leo to cancer on Sunday then I took my youngest dog to the vet today for some issues & found out he has a huge mass in his stomach area & won't be with me much longer & my eldest is 17 1/2 & she has gone downhill since Leo's death. I just want to crawl under a rock & not come out for a long time. I was going to go caroling with our church tonight but it is hard to sing when crying so I stayed home with my last 2 fur babies.

Originally Posted by eskielover

My Christmas spirit just took wings & flew away. I lost my dog Leo to cancer on Sunday then I took my youngest dog to the vet today for some issues & found out he has a huge mass in his stomach area & won't be with me much longer & my eldest is 17 1/2 & she has gone downhill since Leo's death. I just want to crawl under a rock & not come out for a long time. I was going to go caroling with our church tonight but it is hard to sing when crying so I stayed home with my last 2 fur babies.

So sorry for your loss. I know you will be expecting him to be around for a long time, so hard to get used to their absence. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs.

[seeker33]

Eskie, Reading this made me sad and my heart goes out to you. Massive hugs you!

Yesterday it was announced that my workplace will be closed on Monday, xmas eve. Typically that day is a day I can come in, and whatever I work on that day I can take another off. Instead I will be FORCED -- yes FORCED to have a 4 day weekend.

I hate that. I hate the way --particularly over xmas-- the world goes silent and you are kind of forced to sit in your home and reflect on how you DON"T Have the big family and friends gathering. But also and this might be left over from my parents, I have a phobia about it because I remember how impossible it was to get the elderly parents help over these xmas periods. I can remember how many times I had the parents in the hospital over xmas and how stressful it was.

Makes me climb the walls.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Yesterday it was announced that my workplace will be closed on Monday, xmas eve. Typically that day is a day I can come in, and whatever I work on that day I can take another off. Instead I will be FORCED -- yes FORCED to have a 4 day weekend.

Meh, I consider not having to work the only good thing about Christmas. I can stay home and do whatever I want and not deal with people (I can't stand people LOL). Since I am a student employee at a community college, I don't have to work for almost 2 weeks.

Besides, when I'm hurting, I can cope easier with gaming, streaming movies, and the occasional heavy alcohol thrown in.

[eskielover]

Emily, I have myself been in the medical (& psych ) hospitals over holidays many years ago but I know exactly what you mean.

[unaluna]

My xmas present to myself came today. Its a tshirt that says,

"Sorry, I was thinking about"
" G N O C C H I"

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by unaluna

My xmas present to myself came today. Its a tshirt that says,

"Sorry, I was thinking about"
" G N O C C H I"

I LOVE Gnocchi!!!! My favorite pasta

Great tshirt

Originally Posted by eskielover

Emily, I have myself been in the medical (& psych ) hospitals over holidays many years ago but I know exactly what you mean.

Thanks.. sometimes I write these things as I am running out the door, I admit it did sound odd to complain about 4 days off.

It is just something about xmas and the way everything shuts down that freaks me and makes me unhappy.

[eskielover]

Lol....long weekends are when I get things done around my house. I remember one long weekend I actually took stuff to the local recycling center thinking they would be open. Think that was last year when Christmas was in a monday & they closed Friday to give themselves a 4 day weekend. Ah well.

I've spent so much time shopping, wrapping gifts, and doing favors for a family member that then behaved badly (not my H--he has been fabulous supporting me concerning this issue) that my house is a real mess!!! I am staying home today and cleaning. I want a clean house for Christmas.