[pegasus]

I wondered if you could come up with ideas on how to cope with grief. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I lost my T in March, he wasn't just a T, he was everything to me. Nobody can replace him.

I know in a way it is early days yet but I need to know how to cope with this. How do you carry on?

[sunflower55]

Pegasus,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please know that it's very normal to have a range of emotions early on in a loss - from shock to denial to anger. There is a well known process that one goes through while grieving. Dr Elisabeth Kubler-Ross noted it and the stages years back. See if this makes sense to you:

A Normal Life Process

At some point in our lives, each of us faces the loss of someone or something dear to us. The grief that follows such a loss can seem unbearable, but grief is actually a healing process. Grief is the emotional suffering we feel after a loss of some kind. The death of a loved one, loss of a limb, even intense disappointment can cause grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has named five stages of grief people go through following a serious loss. Sometimes people get stuck in one of the first four stages. Their lives can be painful until they move to the fifth stage - acceptance.

Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
   At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
   The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
   Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
   The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
   This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.

Grief And Stress

During grief, it is common to have many conflicting feelings. Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, and guilt often accompany serious losses. Having so many strong feelings can be very stressful.

Yet denying the feelings, and failing to work through the five stages of grief, is harder on the body and mind than going through them. When people suggest "looking on the bright side," or other ways of cutting off difficult feelings, the grieving person may feel pressured to hide or deny these emotions. Then it will take longer for healing to take place.

Recovering From Grief

Grieving and its stresses pass more quickly, with good self-care habits. It helps to have a close circle of family or friends. It also helps to eat a balanced diet, drink enough non-alcoholic fluids, get exercise and rest.

Most people are unprepared for grief, since so often, tragedy strikes suddenly, without warning. If good self-care habits are always practiced, it helps the person to deal with the pain and shock of loss until acceptance is reached.

So, in the end, acceptance of the stages of grief will help you get through that which we all must get through at some point in our lives. Please know too, that these stages need not come about in a linear fashion. We can bounce back between anger, depression, isolation and denial, and bargaining, until we finally accept that which must be accepted - the loss of our loved one.

This is a time to pamper yourself too. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to be helped by friends and family. Take good care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

And finally, know that we care.
Please continue to let us know how you're doing.

Peace!

((pegs)))) the only thing i can say is it takes time. I agree with sunflower allow others to help you. Talk it out with someone IRL if you can too. Here too of course.
It took me 8 years to get where I am with my parents and other family members I have lost. I still at times have to work on it. As when you lose a loved one or friend
it just takes time.
Keeping busy,. talking about it and time is all you can do.
Take care of you kind one.
Remember a loss of a friend or loved one is very stresfull
take care of you
and your allowed to cry that helps too . also remembering the good things about that person helps.

[ECHOES]

.. just as you are, Peg, by letting it happen and not fighting it.
Knowing darkness passes because it has before... it will again.

I don't know if you read for comfort, solace, self-help, but when I was in a time of grief that I thought I would not get through, I happened to pick up Judith Viorst's "Necessary Losses" and spot read it, finding parts that were helpful to me. (I tend to spot read anyway. Just because a non-fiction write organizes something one way doesn't mean I want to read it in that order. I think I have reader-oppositional disorder).

Although mine was not a love relationship, a romantic love relationship, I happened to open the book to chapter 16, 'Love and Mourning' and began there. "Mourning is the process of adapting to the losses of our life." Belief battles against disbelief.

I agree that talking with someone might be helpful.

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak.
Whispers the oe'r fraught heart, and bids it break." .. Shakespeare

[notz]

Pegasus,

I can only speak from my own experiences but I do believe much is common to all.

Mourning is, oh, such tearful pain. The numbness of reality gives way to the dark hollows of loss. My brain has felt so much but reacts to very little. I have heard but do not listen. I have vision but I cannot see. I touch but do not feel. I live but barely exist. Oh, pain has come to live within me.

My heart weighs heavy for you dear Pegasus. It takes time. Time takes time. It is about the time. The time it takes to get righted. Whatever it takes to begin the new phase. Acceptance of what is, what has happened, what cannot be undone.

Not long before my mother died, I decided to try to find the positives in what was happening (knowing she was dying). I wanted to give myself choices. Death has always been and I was a ripe pupil looking for lessons. I decided there were "gifts" to discover in this natural process called death. And I did indeed experience several moments that gave me perspective. They were truly gifts in the sense they validated my existence as a human being, a loving daughter, a sister and a spouse.

I had to step up to the challenge. It was/is all about acceptance, attitude and action. It's not easy. It's downright difficult. But I have to tell you - embracing my mother's life, her death and the entire burial process as a celebration has given me a more complete sense of self. Now, that's a gift!

Please know that you are not alone. You are strong and you will prevail. You are in my thoughts.

[I_WMD]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I wondered if you could come up with ideas on how to cope with grief. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I lost my T in March, he wasn't just a T, he was everything to me. Nobody can replace him.

I know in a way it is early days yet but I need to know how to cope with this. How do you carry on?

Peg ,,, My winged Friend .

Close your eyes , pictuure your * T * next to you , with his own wings ,,, gently gliding about the updrafts of Peacefulness ,,,

remember his re-assuring words , that he would most often say ,,,,, when you were at your place of deep thought and alone .

Try to create a " mantra " with those words ,, as you envision his tender smile .
The Peace will come in time .

WMD.xoxox.

[I_WMD]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I wondered if you could come up with ideas on how to cope with grief. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I lost my T in March, he wasn't just a T, he was everything to me. Nobody can replace him.

I know in a way it is early days yet but I need to know how to cope with this. How do you carry on?

Peg , My Winged Friend ,

Close your eyes , Picture your T next to you , with his own wings ,,, gently gliding about the updrafts of Peacefulness ,,,, Remember his re-assuring words , that he would most often say ,,, when you were at your place of deep thought and alone .

Try to create a mantra with those words ,,, as you envision his tender smile .........
The peace will come in time .

WMD.

[pegasus]

Thank you deeply to everyone that has responded here.



I was hoping someone would come along and give me an easy answer.

Tears filled my eyes as I read your replies, I cannot share how I feel with anyone in real life due to the complex relationship I had with T. So being able to share with you here is a relief of sorts. I have had many losses in my life but none has hit me so much as losing T.

I am going back and forth between disbelief, I want him to ring me! Serious hatred towards God, why did you take him, he was a good man, death seems like a cruel punishment to me! And bargaining, oh I have pleaded with God to bring him back, let me suffer the death instead, let me join him, I'd do anything to see T again...

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( pegasus ))))))))))))))))

[Ratanddragon]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Thank you deeply to everyone that has responded here.



I was hoping someone would come along and give me an easy answer.

Tears filled my eyes as I read your replies, I cannot share how I feel with anyone in real life due to the complex relationship I had with T. So being able to share with you here is a relief of sorts. I have had many losses in my life but none has hit me so much as losing T.

I am going back and forth between disbelief, I want him to ring me! Serious hatred towards God, why did you take him, he was a good man, death seems like a cruel punishment to me! And bargaining, oh I have pleaded with God to bring him back, let me suffer the death instead, let me join him, I'd do anything to see T again...

I don't think I can give a positive example of what to do, but the one thing I do know is that suppressing those emotions will not work for you. My instinct is to bury things. They come out to play anyway. In retrospect, I'd have been back on my feet sooner had I let those feelings run their course. Be good to yourself Don't do as I did.

[ECHOES]

((( pegasus ))) it will be okay. It takes as long as it takes. In the end you will find peace and you will be comforted by warm wonderful memories to hold onto.

[(JD)]

((((((PEGASUS)))))))

I can only say what I'm doing to keep myself afloat for now:

blocking negative thoughts...black and white thinking, all those thoughts of catastrophies that truly won't happen do me no good...and make me feel so much worse. This isn't the end of the world, nor of my life. Yes, it means a big change, and it's terribly difficult...

I had closure with the funeral, alas. But now there is a new element with which to contend. If I think about all that is ahead, and the reason why, I crumble.

God helps me to know I did my best, and this is His plan for my life. Time for me to move on. Even though now I am alone, truly.

((((Pegasus)))) I do hope you have found or will soon find a new therapist. (Sorry, I can't recall things well right now.) Even if not for long term, you need someone to help you through this huge upset in your life.

[sunflower55]

You are experiencing grief, just as you must.
And yes, it is difficult. I'm so sorry.
Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

But, as you go through these experiences, know too,
that you will, at some point, come to acceptance.
And you will find peace once more.

You will always miss your T.
No one will replace that special person; that particular relationship.
But, the saddness will be replaced, in time, with better memories.
And you will be filled with gratitude,
For the time you had together.

Peace!

[pegasus]

Thank you everyone, I appreciate all the replies.

Time seems to be the biggest factor in coming to terms with this, if one can ever come to terms with it, I don't know.

*sighing*

in time (pegs))))))))))) it fads some
That does not mean you forget them as you cared very deeply
that person was a part of your life , your heart.

[pegasus]

Thank you (((((((( muffy )))))))))

I saw my GP yesterday about something else and asked him. He said it can take a year to a year and a half for normal grieving and even longer when the relationship was complicated like we had. My GP was very understanding and said to immerse myself in my new job as much as possible. He said there will come a time when I will feel at peace about this. I miss T so much!

[nowheretorun]

((Pegs)))) sorry that you are struggling now and suffering through this... i have wanted to reply several times to this but something was making me wait and my internet connection is not so great these days lol..

for me, i have learned to process my grief by remembering the good of those who have passed... it is in thier passing that we search for meaning of life.. i have learned to focus more on the persons contributions in life.. how they spoke to me or others, ways that they were a helping hand to those around them while they were here and to honor those virtues after they have gone by picking up the movements or motions they helped us all with... in that way thier spirit has not passed, only thier physical life..

i know that doesnt ease the loss much but it gives me a purpose to carry forward in my own life.. i hope you feeling strengthened by the many great replies here

[pegasus]

Thank you (((((((( nowheretorun )))))))))

I am very grateful for all the replies to me here, I don't feel so alone. I am holding onto all the good memories, they were all good!

[(JD)]

I like the idea of immersing yourself into your new job. Plus, as you begin to use what your T has given you...passing it along to others...maybe you will know that T is right there with you all over again. ((((hug)))

[notz]

Yes, that T will always be with you...a gift to treasure in all the ways that it ripples.

[natkcorwin]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I wondered if you could come up with ideas on how to cope with grief. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this. I lost my T in March, he wasn't just a T, he was everything to me. Nobody can replace him.

I know in a way it is early days yet but I need to know how to cope with this. How do you carry on?

When my beloved died it was hard for me at first. One day it was Orthodox Easter and I cried and couldn't stop. I put on music and it help.
Also I read the bible and my priest said to go to Vespers Services because it's different than Divine Liturgy and it's to calm your soul.

On your loss remember the great times you had and also remember them in your prayers at night and also talking to them sometimes help too.

From: Natalie K. Corwin.