[themoreloving1]

My husband told me in June that he wanted a divorce because he could no longer live a lie - that he was gay. Our 5th wedding anniversary passed this Dec. I have been devastated. I was already depressed before that and ended up moving in with my parents. A suicide attempt followed on New Years. I no longer have those constant thoughts, thank the Lord. I started some new meds from my psychiatrist. Biologically my depression has improved, but I am somewhat socially isolated. I have no close friends here. I am in some support groups at my church.

I am lonely and there is a huge void where my husband was in my life. I could use some friends, even online friends.
Please don't say awful things about my husband...I have heard them all already. It doesn't help me.

I am grieving the loss of who I believed my husband to be. I think I am in denial still about what is truly happening...that I will be losing him. I still love him. It is so very hard. It is as if he died.

Thank you.

[lynn P.]

Hi themoreloving1,
I'm so sorry for the pain you've endured and you'll find alot of support here. I agree with you, it doesn't do any good to sling mud at your husband. It's very normal to go through a grieving period - loss of your relationship and loss of the person you thought he was. I suspect this was very painful for him too and I bet he didn't want to hurt you. I think men in this position are scared and think they can suppress their feelings. I don't believe your husband is a bad man - he's just a wounded person who didn't listen to his own feelings.

I don't think you want to be in a place where you feel angry or resentful. You can even love him as a person, not necessarily as your husband. You both need understanding and compassion. I hope the church is supportive and not trtying to make him a villian? I will pray for you and your ex - that you both will find peace and resolution

[themoreloving1]

I am struggling so much with loneliness. I appreciate your prayers. My nights are awful. Each evening I feel a heavy sadness fall upon me and I sob for hours. I dread facing my bed alone. I miss my husband. I have been told that talking to him is not good for me because he so often hurts me with his words. That I should distance myself from him...he is like an addiction. But I don't know who else to talk to. I am so used to talking to him, my best friend. But I can see that I will not heal if I am still in love with him...and if he is hurting me with his words. He says he is not doing it on purpose but I think he is subconsciously pushing me away. He lives 11 hours away, since I am staying with my parents now. It has been such a hard time.

Your prayers are appreciated.

[lynn P.]

Although I didn't go through the exact same thing you have, I did suffer a stunning shock about my own husband. I used to have it in my 'about me' but I found some people felt protective and didn't like him - which didn't help me as you said in your first post. I still live with my husband but don't sleep together. We are very civil and respectful to each other depsite what's happened for the childrens sake.

So I understand what it's like to wake and feel like your husbands a different person and your world is upside down. This was 3 yrs ago for me. It's will be hard for you and you'll go through many emotions and it will come on you like waves in the ocean - some days calm and some days furious. I remember waking up feeling like I have a load of cement blocks on my back, but I got through it and so will you in time.

I'm sorry you're lonely and I know how it hurts to find out painful things about the person you love. I think you'll find alot of comfort here and don't let people get into blaming him. It won't do you any good to have those emotions - although I did go through my angry stage but constructively. Best of luck

[themoreloving1]

Lynn,
How exactly do you do anger constructively? That is something else I struggle with. I am in therapy and such, but I haven't heard any good answers yet. I do not want to end up hateful and bitter. It is against my religious beliefs.
TML1

[NuckingFutz]

Hi! Welcome to PC. Sending you a cyberhug. I know you are feeling so much inside right now. Although we can't replace the void your husband left behind, we are here and usually someone is on here 24/7. I hope that we can help you through this difficult time.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by themoreloving1

Lynn,
How exactly do you do anger constructively? That is something else I struggle with. I am in therapy and such, but I haven't heard any good answers yet. I do not want to end up hateful and bitter. It is against my religious beliefs.
TML1

Constructive anger means you allow yourself to recognize and validate you have anger. A person can acknowledge their anger and still be religious. It doesn't mean hanging on to and becoming bitter, resentful or vindictive. I think when couples split they go through many different emotions - kind of like being on a roller coaster. In my circumstance I had many hours of intense conversations with my husband but that's because we still live in the same house. I don't think this would work for you and maybe you don't even need to express your anger. It also helped me a great deal posting here - it was a great outlet for me.

If you do have anger and it's okay to feel it. You could try writing all your feelings in a journal. You could also work with your therapist and try the empty chair technique, where you say how you feel deep inside. I don't think it's right that your ex hurts you with words - that's unfair.

I think it also helps if you understand things from his point of view and he should do the same and this will foster compassion for each other. I don't believe in being enemies with exes unless there's abuse involved. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.