[cowboy1]

You know alot of people around except a few that I have been around think getting over a mate dieing is suppose to be easy. I don't understand what people think sometimes when they talk to you some say the most stupidest things and hurt your feeling's. Everyone has something bad happen to them but it hurt's more when you have someone say something to you that eather realy hits the heart or something bad about that person they lost. I am not saying that anyone who looses a sister brother aunt ect doe's not feel pain or remorse because anyone who goe's through death feel's it hard and alway's will we are human. But every death is differant in the way that you feel in alot of factores. How close you are who they where what they ment in your life what you respect them for ect. But for ssome reason loosing a soule mate that you have devoted yourself to for the rest of your life is alittle differant. I don't know why but it is. It seem's to hurt more and make you feel lost and worthless not only to yourself but it makes you think your worthless to other's. I feel that all the time since febuary and it don't feel good. You would give everything and anything even your own life just to have that person back again. The thing is some people try to say thing's to you and compare what happened to them like they lost an aunt which is tragic but they don't understand it's differant than the feelings of someone who lost there wife or husband. That would be like compareing if an oreng is an apple they are differant and they tast differant so why compare them. So maybe I ask why do people don't think before they talk? Like my real father saying to me as I was holding my loves hand in the hospital as she lay there dead and me crying get over it shes dead move on. I have had other's say stuff but what makes a person so incensitive/

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by cowboy1

You know alot of people around except a few that I have been around think getting over a mate dieing is suppose to be easy. I don't understand what people think sometimes when they talk to you some say the most stupidest things and hurt your feeling's. Everyone has something bad happen to them but it hurt's more when you have someone say something to you that eather realy hits the heart or something bad about that person they lost. I am not saying that anyone who looses a sister brother aunt ect doe's not feel pain or remorse because anyone who goe's through death feel's it hard and alway's will we are human. But every death is differant in the way that you feel in alot of factores. How close you are who they where what they ment in your life what you respect them for ect. But for ssome reason loosing a soule mate that you have devoted yourself to for the rest of your life is alittle differant. I don't know why but it is. It seem's to hurt more and make you feel lost and worthless not only to yourself but it makes you think your worthless to other's. I feel that all the time since febuary and it don't feel good. You would give everything and anything even your own life just to have that person back again. The thing is some people try to say thing's to you and compare what happened to them like they lost an aunt which is tragic but they don't understand it's differant than the feelings of someone who lost there wife or husband. That would be like compareing if an oreng is an apple they are differant and they tast differant so why compare them. So maybe I ask why do people don't think before they talk? Like my real father saying to me as I was holding my loves hand in the hospital as she lay there dead and me crying get over it shes dead move on. I have had other's say stuff but what makes a person so incensitive/

Hi ((((cowboy1)))) - I think grief is a very personal thing. Firstly we all have different relationships with people, so your relationship with her was different from others and also we as individuals are all different and we react in different ways. The way you are feeling right now isn't wrong, it is how you feel and that is that, there is no right or wrong about it.

You know my dad died a few weeks ago, I was very sad when he died, but I didn't see my dad everyday and much of my life on a day to day basis goes on without any change. I still have my breakfast without him, I still go to work etc.. But for my mum, she was with him since she was 17, they would have been married for 56 years a month after he died. To her the loss is very different. He was her life and that has left such a huge hole. She puts on a brave face, I call her everyday. Sometimes when she says she is OK, I ask her how shw is really and how she has been in terms of dad not being there and then she cries. I don't mean to make her cry, but I don't want for everyone to put on a brave face. Death is such a horrible thing to face and I don't think the alternative is to be brave and pretend it hasn't happened, to not talk about the person. I think it is good to remember, to talk, to cry, shout, scream or whatever - I think it is the talking that helps us slowly to have brighter times in our day when we can remember and talk about the fond memories and not just about the hole.

It is not wrong how you feel, she sounds like she was so special to you, as you say your soul mate and I think how you are feeling now reflects just how important she was to you. It is utterly unfair that she was taken so early, but great that in this huge world you did find each other. Just keep talking my friend (((cowboy!))) - we are here for you.

Take great care, you matter - Soup

[Trippin2.0]

Unless people are being outright callous, I don't think they mean any harm... Idk your father, but I can think of 2 non-hurtful reasons he might have said that: 1. He is not the verbal type, and could've meant, let her go, she's gone. 2. He was deeply affected by your pain and wanted you stop torturing yourself... People try to relate to our loss to make us feel less alone, it's not their fault that they don't understand the difference between losing an aunt or husband. Atleast they're trying... The day my dad died, my friends and family said things that I thought was stupid. My own siblings didn't understand cos to me I was losing my daddy AGAIN, as my eldest brother, who was a father figure had been murdered only 2 months before... My 1 friend who I hadn't been close to in yrs, she said, 'nothing I say will make you feel better, but I'm here for you' THAT was what I needed, how did she know? She lost her dad some yrs ago too... So I guess my point is that people aren't trying to be mean when they're trying to understand. I like soup's idea of 'keep talking' it has helped my family as a whole in a huge way... Take care

[KathyM]

(((Cowboy)))

My husband is my "life-line." If anything happens to him, I die too...plain and simple. I've experienced tragic and excruciatingly painful losses of extremely dear loved ones, but never the loss of a "life-line." I can only imagine how it rips your heart to shreds.

People say stupid things because the grieving process is so painful and disturbs the atmosphere. If they have never experienced such a loss or cannot relate to its depth, their only option is to attempt to take your mind away from the painful thoughts so that you can move on with your life. Even when they can relate to the loss, their attempts to "cheer you up" can be awkward.

You'll never be able to "get over" that love, but you'll be able to incorporate it into your life as a huge "life lesson." Take the time you need to "find your feet" again and allow your heart to heal, and take good care of yourself. Do the very best you can to live a "good" life each and every day. This is how you can honor the love you shared with her. Further on down the road, when you are ready, maybe you'll find another love. She'll never replace what you had, but your "life lesson" will help you appreciate and cherish what you DO have in this world - the ability to live and love life.

My condolences on your loss.

[KaylaLee]

I have noticed the same - I think it's simply because people don't know what to say - whether to comfort you, or simply to avoid the subject. I'm not saying I've had the same experience, just that I have observed what you are talking about. People seem to have a similar problem whenever talking to someone who is having a hard time - they can't help but compare - "Oh, well this happened to me which is really quite similar so I know how you feel". I will freely admit that I used to do this, until I noticed it - it's easy to do. I think its the selfishness of human nature (to put it pretentiously); as Sophocles (I think) said, "We see the tragedy, but the tears we weep are for ourselves"; often we cannot see other peoples' tragedy as any different from our own. But I digress, and may well be going off on a tangent into something which is of no interest to anyone. I apologise.
Also, you are not worthless
My condolences.
Take care.

[Elbie]

Hello Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your personal feelings. Yes everyday is empty without the love you loved then and now. I do admit freely I sometimes envy couples when I see them. Then I think what you have is real your feelings are valadated by the love that you have for your mate/partner. Sometimes others get the priviliage to be married for a lifetime. Thats great for them. At the same time those close to us as you said try to be there for us. Yes sometimes they stumble on their word or they say something that may seem weird. I don't know how I would react to the passing of their loved one. I minght do the same thing. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way there are no rules. Grief is a private matter.
There are triggers, that bring my tears of joy, anger, disbelif. I just recently closed the checking account we had together. That was very hard to do I ahve also moved from the house we shared together. I have the puppy we picked out together. She just turned two.
No time frame will ever change the feelings when your love gose before you.
With my sincere heart I embrace yours and hug it tight.
Love , Elbie