[breemarie]

Sorry this may be long winded but I need to vent. I hope no one that knows me visits this message board. First year facing holidays without Mom and its difficult. Granted, I haven't been into the holidays since grade school because its not a happy time for me. I never have money, I don't have a family of my own and my immediate family is not very close. My mom hated the holidays too, she was never the same after her mom died. Anyway, I am still struggling to get through. I have been having visions of the last weeks of her life which were not pleasant. She was so frail and sick and just did not seem like my mom. I can't stand remebering her that way but can't get the visions out of my head. I am suffering with major depression and was already in the midst of it before she got sick. Me and Mom had difficulties. She had mental health issues and was not pleasant alot of the time, my siblings also had their problems with her. But I was trying to have a relationship with her anyway, she was my Mom and I tried to think of some of the good times we had and what she did do for me. However because of my messed up life, mental illness and physical illness and financial problems, I kind of isolated myself from my family the last few years. I did call my mom but I wasn't able to see her much, I don't live in her State. I am guilty now because I allowed my depression and other problems get in the way of spending time with her. It is eating me up inside, the guilt. Also, I am angry and hurt at my siblings because they treated me like I wasn't even family during my mom's short illness and after her death. They made the decision to take her off life support without my approval, they felt she was suffering. She was in a medically induced coma and on meds, the doctors told me she wasn't suffering but they rushed us to make a decision. I didn't understand what the rush was, she was in there only a few days on life support before they started pressuring us. My mom was on state and govt. medical assistance and I can't help but wonder if that had something to do with it. Then they did not communicate with me about much after her death. I barely heard from them. They went back to their lives and I was left to deal with probate court, closing accounts and cleaning out her apartment. They kept saying they would come and never did. When my sister finally got around to showing up I was upset and it showed in my tone I guess. She then decided I was too angry to be around and said she wouldn't come to the apartment when I was their. My brother refused to do anything. He wanted me to throw everything in bags and give it to good will. Now I realize that everyone grieves differently and maybe they couldn't deal with taking care of things. But they could have just said that. Instead they made me feel like it was all my responsibiltiy because I didn't have kids and I wasn't working. Plus I didn't contribute to the cost of the funeral. My sister even mentioned that fact to me. I don't feel I should have been left to do that all alone. That is a very emotional and overwhelming task. They have never apologized or acknowledged anything they did and my sister has not called or contacted me. My brother is trying to pick up like everything is fine and normal. I am still hurt and angry. There is alot of other things that happened but I don't want to go into everything. I am so hurt, I feel like I have been stabbed not once but multiple times in the heart. I couldn't even be around them for thanksgiving and I'm not going for christmas. I can't face them. I just sent some pictures and a note telling them that I was depressed and that is why I have been withdrawing, that it was not intentional to upset anyone. Now I am mad at myself. Why should I have to explain myself. I don't want them thinking that I have forgotten and everything is fine between us because its not. I am working on forgiveness because I know being bitter is only hurting me, but I'm not really there yet and even when I get there I don't know if things will ever be the same between us. It is killing me though. I feel I have no family now. I am struggling with this depression and other issues alone. I am in a relationship that is unhappy and not going anywhere. I have no support. I know this has been long but it has been helpful for me to tell my story and I welcome any comments you all may have.

please do not feel guilty about your mom. you did the best you could do at the time. it's easy to sleep into the guilty mode and hard to get out of it. but try your best to not go there. you'll stay stuck.

as for as your family goes, we've all got 'em and part of the time we all want to get rid of 'em......detaching and making a life for yourself sounds like it's probably what you're working on and may be best in the long wrong.

i'm sorry that your depression is so bad. it's a hard time of the year for all of us and we have to hang together. please keep posting because the more you post, the more support you will receive. xoxox pat

[breemarie]

Thank you Fayerody for taking the time to read my post and responding. That means alot to me. I do feel so very alone in the world. I am trying not to feel guilty but it is so hard not to. I talked to my mom as she was dying and I think she heard me. I think she understood that I wasn't able to do more for her but that I wish i could have. I know holidays are hard for alot of people. I am trying to hang in there and have faith. Thanks again for your concern and support.

Bree Marie

you're welcome......i understand your feelings and want to help you get past that. guilt will wear us down. i believe that the more you talk about it, the sooner it will leave you.......xoxoxo pat

[(JD)]

I think what you need to try and do is realize that you did the best you could do for the time and place and what you were experiencing. It's so easy to second guess, to go through what ifs and all that...but certainly you, at the time, we not saying, well I could do better but I'm not going to! out of spite or anything? No, you were reacting and responding the best way possible for where you were emotionally and phsycially. TC!

[breemarie]

I can't deal with the pain. It was all so sudden, I have never had someone die out of the blue like that. I can't accept it. I can't accept how it happened, I feel there was some wrong doing on the doctors part. She had an infection that never was fully cleared and it came back with a vengence. It got into her valves and that was it. They sent her home saying the infection was gone. Plus she had surgery several years ago and was never quite right after that. I have sent for all of her records, I have received all except one and I have the autopsy report. I have had these documents for months and cannot bring myself to open them. The hospital staff did some disturbing things when she died. They told us we could go see her before they took her away and when we went in the room they had her zipped up in a bag with a tag on it. I almost passed out. Her eyes were still half open when the unzipped the bag. I keep seeing this vision now. I'm angry that the doctors did not consider my feelings on removing her from life support, they went with my siblings approval even though I was the one they saw all the time since I lived closer to the hospital. She was moved to a hospital in New York. I had intended to write a letter of complaint to the hospital and couldn't bring myself to do that either. I know I am saying alot and if someone were to read this that knows me they would figure out its me but I don't even care at this point. I am so upset and hurt. My brother and sister have barely spoken to me since her death. Even when she was in the hospital I barely spoke to or saw them. They were busy with their jobs and their kids activities and what not. They couldn't take some time off to deal with an emergency? They have just acted so cold and emotionally distant throughout this entire ordeal. I can't even believe they are related to me. And I believe their guilt is what has kept them from talking to me. They can't look me in the face never mind talk to me. They know they did wrong but won't even acknowledge it. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over this. I feel like I lost my Mom and my siblings. My BF is a jerk and has acted like a jerk since this happened. I had a complete nervous breakdown and he was angry because I wasn't able to function and work and take care of everything like I usually do. Mind you I had lost my job, I had health problems and scares, plus I lost my father in 2004 and witnessed his death from Cancer. But my BF couldn't see pass the fact that I wasn't contributing. I've taken care of things when he was unemployed and he wasn't even sick. I'm sick of everybody. Its Christmas and I'm sorry to be in such a mood but I can't help it. I am so hurt, lost and broken. I throw my hands up at life.

Bree Marie.

breemarie, i am so sorry that your family has caused you this much pain. families are good at that. BFs can also be jerks when you need support.....

i am appalled that the hospital acted as they did when your mother died. there is no excuse for that. none whatsoever. protocol wasn't followed, obviously. you have the right to feel angry about their lack of professionalism. they may have been having an "off" day, BUT there is a strict protocol that is to be followed concerning patients and they didn't do it with your mom.....

i hope that things ease up for you and that you can get some closure and relief from the pain of losing your mother.......love, pat