[Oliveaux]

Hi everyone,
i'm not really sure what to say here. My best friend died by suicide just over a year ago. She was meant to be staying with me on the weekend but i got a text from her saying that she couldn't get a ride down (i'd just moved 3 hours away). I replied that it was fine and next weekend was better for me anyway, and she was dead within the hour.
I can't stop blaming myself, thinking if i'd just called her she'd still be here. She was such a good friend to me and she deserved better. I am so shy and reclusive but she was always there to pull me out of my problems and help me feel better. I miss her every day and I don't know what to do.
I've started seeing a counselor since I also have complex PTSD and substance abuse problems but under the care plan i have, all we can do is run through ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy) which doesn't really allow for dealing with specific problems like this.

[Altered Moment]

I am so sorry for you. I can tell you all day long it wasn't your fault and why, and that is true, but I know it won't take away the feeling of guilt. Maybe this site can help since your therapy is restricted.

[CANDC]

Sorry you are feeling down and about the loss of your friend.

Survivor's guilt is common. Why didn't I...? or Why am I here and not her?

Some specific links you might like besides the grief loss forum

Post-traumatic Stress - Forums at Psych Central

Depression - Forums at Psych Central

There are also Chats for emotional support and there is a Tuesday 9pm-10pm EST -5 hours Greenwich meeting with the founder of PC Dr John. there are other groups on other nights.
Click on Chat link in middle top of page.anytime or at the time specific groups meet (see calendar)

From reading the progression of events, your friend texting you could have been a way to say goodbye. She may have already committed the act of self injury and just wanted to reach out to you but not alert you so you would send emergency personnel. It sounds like she really wanted to go. She didn't reach out for help she just said goodbye in a rather awkward way.
If you did call her, you probably would have got her voicemail.
Rather than go on with the blame game, how about writing a paper celebrating your friends life? Focusing on the positive can give closure. You could share it here or with other friends of hers. Perhaps if there are other friends yoiu could have a remembrance meal at a restaurant. Other people will donate flowers to a church in memory of or put a remembrance in the local paper.

[Oliveaux]

Thanks for the replies friends <3
I don't know if there are rules against talking about suicide methods?? Sorry if i'm not to say this but [...] While she told me she couldn't get a lift to see me, she told her family (who were meant to be giving her the lift) that i'd cancelled, so it was planned but then she'd also been doing stuff with friends earlier that day and seemed fine. It was a huge shock to all of us. We knew she'd been depressed but things seemed to be improving; she just found her own apartment to rent after dealing with housing instability for about a year (she was living with me cos of that a few months before she died). I keep wondering if she regretted it the split second before she died? Her brother called me which is how we found out she'd lied to us so we'd think each other was the reason she didn't come visit me. ****.
I do think i have some form of survivors guilt, reading those links.
thanks again and i hope this message isn't inappropriate in any way.

[Musica91]

Oliveaux,

I am so sorry and hugs to you!

My older brother died by suicide a few years ago. We were very close.

Its a loss like no other. Unless people have been through it, they won't understand fully (although they can be sympathetic, which is kind of them).

It is a shock and its like living in a nightmare. I know no other way to describe it.

I also have had 3 other "indirectly related" suicides in my family. Its just awful.

Hugs to you! The best thing I know to say to you is that as a way to honor your friend (as I honor my brother), be determined never to make the same choice.

(and just know this is from somebody who is sometimes tempted - but fortunately never succumbed to it).

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by Oliveaux

Thanks for the replies friends <3
I don't know if there are rules against talking about suicide methods?? Sorry if i'm not to say this but [...] While she told me she couldn't get a lift to see me, she told her family (who were meant to be giving her the lift) that i'd cancelled, so it was planned but then she'd also been doing stuff with friends earlier that day and seemed fine. It was a huge shock to all of us. We knew she'd been depressed but things seemed to be improving; she just found her own apartment to rent after dealing with housing instability for about a year (she was living with me cos of that a few months before she died). I keep wondering if she regretted it the split second before she died? Her brother called me which is how we found out she'd lied to us so we'd think each other was the reason she didn't come visit me. ****.
I do think i have some form of survivors guilt, reading those links.
thanks again and i hope this message isn't inappropriate in any way.

Oliveaux, the rules about talking about suicide or any other subject is not to say things that might trigger strong emotional hurt in another, but I see nothing in your answer that is like that. I am glad you did not go into specifics of methods. That would be hard to read. But I just feel your pain and the pain of your friend.

This is kind of a long shot, but some people who lose friends or family they are close to will dream about them and feel in some way they are saying good bye or working out the rough edges. Just a thought of something I had read.

Healing hearts reach out to you from all quarters.

[Bluesday]

I am so sorry to read about your loss, Oliveaux. A good friend of mine committed suicide almost a year ago. It was very tough to wrap my mind around and I didn't fully accept it for a long time. Even now as I type this, I can imagine him calling and talking for an hour. I always expected that we would be life-long friends, well into old age. In one brief moment, that reality was shattered forever.

It will always hurt to some degree, I imagine...but I try to take comfort in the fact (as I hope you will also) that death cannot kill our memories. I will always fondly remember my friend and the good that came from our relationship.

[littlemiss1970]

Oh hunny I'm so sorry...it must be heartbreaking. There is nothing that you did or didn't do. Sounds like she was in alot of emotional pain and couldn't see a way out. That makes me sad...I'm so sorry for yr loss. My best friend is very ill and I know she only has a few months but at least I know ahead of time. You didn't get that opportunity. Just try and remember how much she impacted yr life and remember her for who she was/is. Just take good care of yrself.we're all here for you.

[Wish I was a cat]

Originally Posted by Oliveaux

Hi everyone,
i'm not really sure what to say here. My best friend died by suicide just over a year ago. She was meant to be staying with me on the weekend but i got a text from her saying that she couldn't get a ride down (i'd just moved 3 hours away). I replied that it was fine and next weekend was better for me anyway, and she was dead within the hour.
I can't stop blaming myself, thinking if i'd just called her she'd still be here. She was such a good friend to me and she deserved better. I am so shy and reclusive but she was always there to pull me out of my problems and help me feel better. I miss her every day and I don't know what to do.
I've started seeing a counselor since I also have complex PTSD and substance abuse problems but under the care plan i have, all we can do is run through ACT (Acceptance and commitment therapy) which doesn't really allow for dealing with specific problems like this.

I am so sorry to hear this. My husband committed suicide last December. It is a hurt like no other. You will go through blame, guilt, and yes even anger. And that is all ok! I will switch From guilt to angry to sadness in a day. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor and also look for survivors of suicide groups in your area. Sometimes it's good to sit with others who know what you're going through. Suicide is tricky because people don't know what to say to you. It's still looked at as "taboo" and there are people out there that say its a cowards way out. It is not! My thoughts are with you

[SoggySketti]

so very sorry