I can't get over this death :(

I'm 19 and in the past year I've lost 2 people. First my greatgrandmother and next my cousins grandma. The latest death had the biggest impact on me ever. When I heard the news about her passing I lost it. I cried for HOURS, didn't talk to anyone, ended up vomiting, and had the biggest headache anyone could ever imagine. After the day she died, I couldn't cry anymore. I think it was mainly because I was in shock, actually I still am right now. When I go to her house to see my other relatives I always feel like she's going to open the door and have a conversation with me like she always did. She was the only one who ever made me feel like I could talk to her without feeling that she didn't care or judged me. She knew me since the day I was born, she was like my own grandma. Now the thing is, she passed away about 7 months ago and I'm still not able to accept that she's gone. Sometimes I still think of her a lot and just cry to myself. I go to therapy but my therapist doesnt know how much it affects me because in sessions when we talk about her I try my hardest to keep quiet so I dont end up crying in front of the therapist because I'm afraid to. Also, I have such bad guilt because I wasn't able to be there for her when she needed me in the hospital because I'm so afraid of needles and hospitals (severe phobia). But I know that she would have understood that. Another thing is that I feel like I should not be this upset because technically she wasn't my grandma but I still feel horrible.

I want to tell my therapist this but again I'm afraid to cry. She said I could email her anytime but honestly I feel like ill just end up bothering her and taking her time.

So sorry for the long read but I really needed someone to help me out.

Thank you so much.

First of all, I am sooo sorry for your loss. Each person who suffers a loss grieves in his or her own way and time. There is no time limit on grief and no rules about who you can grieve for. This woman was someone significant in your life and you loved her so there should be no guilt in your heart over the grief. Talk to your T and cry if you need to, take your time and grieve until you don't need to anymore.

AnxiousGirl, I'm so sorry for the loss of such a special person in your life. Grief is different for everyone and everyone copes in their own way. Just because she wasn't your grandma, it doesn't mean that you didn't have a close, special bond.

I understand the concept of expecting to see her when you go to her house. I lived with my parents almost my entire life. My mom died 3 years ago. I kept forgetting she wasn't here anymore. Then my dad died a year and a half ago. I did CPR on him and was the one who told the ER doc to stop CPR. I was also the one who made my mom a DNR (do not resuscitate), per her instructions. I sleep in their bedroom now. You would think that, given all that, I wouldn't have a problem remembering they're gone. But I do. It still hurts badly. Yesterday was the first time I really cried in front of my T and it was a relief. IDK if I'll ever be able to cry in front of "civilians." I'm OK if I don't think about them not being here. But even just typing that is bringing on the tears.

Please tell your T about your pain. She needs to know. She can help you learn to cope. You will lose loved ones over the course of your life. It's a sad but true fact of life. Learning to cope with it now will help you in the future.

Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you're strong. Based on what you just told me I will tell her how I feel and try my hardest not to be ashamed of crying.

Hi AnxiousGirl...

Some suggestions:

- Don't feel like you need to 'get over' anything in relation to this life experience... Sometimes the conceptualizations that we use aren't all that functional and identifying with them can make us feel like we're not behaving or reactiong 'the right way' - and that isn't helpful... So rather than telling yourself that you need to 'get over this', why don't you set the goal and intention to allow yourself the necessary time to grieve the passing of these individuals, and to aim for internalizing increased 'acceptance' for what transpired, and to gradually make progress healing from this challenging life experience. You can't rush this process so please don't beat yourself up if you don't experience immediate relief & progress - you know?

- Right now your memory of these individuals may be overwhelmingly influenced by the details of their passing, and thoughts of their temporary absence in your life (which causes hurting/suffering). That is understandable and natural. Please try to encourage yourself to spend time contemplating and reflecting upon all the positive attributes and qualities that you appreciated about these individuals, focus on the positive ways in which they influenced you - this will evoke very important heart-based feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and respect. These are healing emotions and will help to counteract the distressing emotions associated with the hurting/suffering surrounding their (temporary) absence in your life. So it's like over time, when you think about them again, instead of focusing on their passing or absence, you will immediately connect with those heart-based healing emotions associated with gratitude, appreciation, respect, love, etc... I went through this while I was coping with the passing of my Mom...

- You can use writing to help you process your emotions. When you are hurting and feeling sad, rather than trying to avoid those feelings or thinking about the thoughts which cause you distress - decide that you are going to write down exactly what's going through your mind and what you are feeling. You don't even have to save what you write - just the act of writing it down (or typing it out) is therapeutic and cathartic, because it allows you to consciosly acknowledge your internal emotions & feelings - and this helps you to process that emotional energy in a healthy manner. You can spill your heart out, read over what you have written - this will help you view yourself and this process of healing with a HIGHER awareness.

- Look into 'self help' type texts that revolve around grieving and healing from the loss of a loved one. The 'right book' in your possession can be life-changing and it may be really therapeutic for you to read about other peoples' accounts going through the grieving process and how they eventually found acceptance and brought about healing. This will help provide you with a constructive mental framework to work with and provide affirmation that you absolutely can (and will) work your way through this and restore balance internally. You will become so much stronger from having navigating through this period of your life.

Hang in there.

(((AnxiousSadGirl)))

It's really hard.

I am so sorry that you are grieving.

You have suffered significant losses in your life and I am really sorry to hear of the passing of your greatgrandmother and your cousins grandma.

I was really close to my greatgrandmother and my grandmother.

It's a struggle when they pass it really is.

I think that when we grieve we go through different stages of grieving and it can be hard and painful.

And we process things differently.

I can understand how you were in shock.

It's really hard.

I know too well that feeling of expecting our loved ones who have passed to walk through the door. It's hard accepting that they are gone.

I am really sorry to hear that you are afraid of crying in therapy.

I have cried many times in therapy myself.

You have every right to feel upset - even if this very special lady was not technically your grandma, she is a very important person to you.

We go through many stages in the grieving process.

There really is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Please allow yourself this process.

There is an article here on Psych Central.

I hope that this may be able to help you.

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

There are also different support groups - you may like to have a look here -

Psych Central: Grief and Loss: Support Groups

Grief, Healing and the One-to-Two Year Myth | Psych Central

I think you are showing a lot of bereavement symptoms.

This is really hard.

Please forgive yourself.

Bereavement Symptoms | Psych Central

The Two Worlds of Grief and Depression | World of Psychology

i have suffered some very significant losses, the most recent the spring before last, when my mother-in-law (and BFF) passed away...i am over the worst of the sleepless haunted feeling nights and the sudden out of nowhere crying jags of the first year, but i still deeply miss her every day and find it hard to shake the sad thinking when it strikes me hard...working on it...

a book i found very helpful after my son passed away in '98 and that i went dug out last spring to see if i could find some lil things in it i could apply to help me over this latest loss:

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/...f_Rituals?ac=1

good luck, i hope things ease for you soon