[HelgaDE]

I thought I would get over with my mothers death, but it doesn't seem like it. It seems that as time goes by, I get progressively worst with my grieve.

My grieve turned me into a monster, an angry and bitter person. I'm angry and bitter over my mother. I know deep inside she was a very sick person who refuse to seek help with her issue, which lead her her death.

I sometimes miss her and I sometimes hate her for what she did to my father and to my self.

I often tell my father, after he tells me similar quotes; "She'll be upset if she thinks shes the cause of your anguish and downfalls", that I hope she is suffering wherever shes at for all of the grief and devastation she caused me. This is the monster side of me.

I've never been to a psychiatric hospital before her death, I know have total of 6 hospitalization stays, 3 voluntary and 3 involuntary. I'm well aware of the hipaa law, but i know that if I were to get a license to carry a gun that my psych hospitalizations would be a drawback, as I'm classified as mentally ill. If I wanted to join the military that I would be turned down because of my mental health status and records.

Ugh! I feel that my mother has ruined my life, but I still love her and respect her as my mother. I both hate and love her :/

I know I'm still in the bereavement process. I have all of the symptoms

[okiedokie]

Hi Helga,
My mom died 4 years ago too and I still grieve her. I miss her very much.

All was not wine and roses with her either. She was an alcoholic, stayed with an abusive alcoholic (my dad) and couldn't protect us kids.

She actually died of lung cancer that metastasized to her brain. One weekend we went to a movie and the next weekend she was dead.

I'm sorry your relationship with your mom was so complicated. I think most of "mom" relationships are complicated!

Do you have a T you can talk to or a grief counselor? It sounds like you do need help getting through this. You can get through it on an outpatient basis with the right T! I don't know if you take meds or not....my only thought is that an antidepressant might be helpful but that's between you and your doc.

One of the reasons I had such a hard time when my mom died was that I was so enmeshed with her. I loved her so much, and was so disappointed with her at the same time. It made it all very confusing. We were just starting to get on the same page when she died. I wish we had had more time.

I had my one and only (so far..knock on wood) major depressive episode and winded up in the hospital too. They put me on an antidepressant and helped me move on.

I actually cried when I saw your post. I feel your pain. I still want my mama and I'm 48 years old!

Feel free to PM me anytime. Please let us know how you're doing.
Take care,
Okie

[dorsey555]

Hi HelgaDE,
It's been 14 years this friday since my son died, and I still love and miss him so. My mom died 1 year before he did. I feel your pain. I've learned that grief is so personal and what you do to cope is personal too. I try to give myself permission to grieve, cry, ask God "why?", get angry, take off time for myself...whatever i need to do. After a while everyone goes on with thier lives. But Travis was/is my son, and your mom is your mom, so allow yourself to grieve in anyway that makes you feel better. As long as you don't hurt yourself physically. I will probally spend a day at the beach this week, just swimming and relaxing. do something good for yourself. I used to say, "as human beings, we are not wired to accept the loss of a love one throught death, so it never feels normal." It's taken so many years to allow myself some freedom to grieve. Give yourself that freedom, as long as you are alive.
Love and prayers,
Dorsey

[HelgaDE]

Hi there okiedokie

My mother also was an alcoholic as well, she also did drugs. My mother overdosed of heroin inside of my garage with her friend (another drug user) and by the time the paramedics came to the house to revive her, it was too late, She had 2 cardiac arrests and day later she was on life support. At the time I wanted to kill my moms friend, He went out and got the drugs and shot her up with poison. I could remember the shock that I've experienced when the paramedics came to my house and had my mother on the gurney, they were giving her CPR and could hear the awful sound of air being forced out of her lungs, she made the grunting sound, It was just Awful. It scared the living %#@&#! outta me. I will never forget that sound as long as I'm alive. I could remember when it was bed time, I couldn't sleep, I actually cried myself to sleep.

The next day I woke up and quickly took a shower and went to the hospital to see my mother. I went home for something and I believe I broke down, I was angry. I was inside my bedroom and found my butterfly knife.. I put the knife inside of my pocket and went back to the hospital where I can see my mother again, as soon as I was walking to my mothers room, I saw my moms friend, I was Fricken pissed! I shoved my hands deep inside my pocket, I wanted to take that knife out and stab the heck outta my moms friend for what he has caused. Thank god I has some scene in me, I started thinking about my father and I also started thinking about the consequences that might happen if I did stab my mothers friend. I would be in prison today right now for attempted murder (or murder), I just couldn't let that happen, as my father would be all alone. I took my hands out of my pocket and went to my mothers room where I spent a lot of time with her.

I decided that this was the time to call out for help, so I manage to talk to the ICU nurse about talking to somebody. I expressed my feelings and how I wanted to die and wanted to kill my mothers friend, she mention that I could go to the inpatient emergency psychiatric assessment center to get help. I voluntarily admitted myself to the hospital and that is where my hospitalization got started.

I currently do not have a therapist or a grief counselor as this moment. I do not have health insurance because I cant afford the premiums

I'm not on any medications, I have strong feelings torwards SSRIs. I want to get healthy the natural way, not depending on chemicals that has a potential danger side effect to my liver and kidneys. I'm taking a natural supplement of Iron and St. Johns worth including daily Multi vitamins.

I wish I had a time traveling machine. If I had one, I'd go back in time and try to fix things in a proper manner. I'm 23 years old and I miss my mommy :/

Dorsey,
I'm the military type person. I'm not in the military but my lifestyle is similar. I don't like crying because it makes me weak. I want to show everybody that I'm a strong person and that they could come to my each time they have a problem, If I start crying in front of them, they think I have problems and that I'm not the type to talk to, yanno? I tend to store up bundle of emotions deep inside me, and often I'm like a ticking time bomb and could explode anytime and anywhere. It seems that when I explode, I most likely get sent back to the psychiatric hospital because I cut myself and my personality changes dramatically.

I'm terribly sorry about your son and to your mother. It's tragic for any parent to lose a child, as that isn't what mother nature has in her mind.

I think going to the beach would be a great thing to do

[dorsey555]

Hi HelgaDe,
You're a beautiful person, and you've been through a lot.
Thanks for what you said. It's hard at first but I hope that you will be kind to yourself the way you are for others. You deserve it.
Dorsey