[Trace14]

Does it ever get easier? It's been 4 years now and seems like yesterday. Everything about the day reminds me of that eve and what we did the night before he died. Does the soul ever stop bleeding? Is there some way to keep the darkness out of your head and life after finding a loved one after the act? It's a horrible last memory, makes me want to vomit. Had so many panic attacks today, trying to stay distracted, but trying to distract myself only makes me think about it more. *sigh*

[pegasus]

I'm sorry. All I can say is to allow yourself to grieve. Take care of you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by pegasus

I'm sorry. All I can say is to allow yourself to grieve. Take care of you.

But it's been 4 years already and I have been doing what I can through therapy, constantly. I'm tired of trying , maybe this is as good as it gets. Thinking things will get better is a unrealistic goal for me. When do you have to accept that? That this is as good as it gets and stop trying trying to make chicken salad out of chicken s____.

[Trace14]

9 more minutes

[pegasus]

When it's so complicated, it takes longer to come to a place of more peace.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by pegasus

When it's so complicated, it takes longer to come to a place of more peace.

Maybe so.

[Trace14]

It's here, 10-29

I haven’t been the same after a couple of deaths of close family members (one suicide (mom) and one died during an artificial heart transplant (husband)), but it does get better. The second death worsened my bipolar, seriously, and I’ve been diagnosed. My main problem is anxiety.

I’m trying a therapist that practices DBT and CBT.

Please keep trying therapy. It is possible to get better, and you can find a way to get there!

I promise!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by key tones

I haven’t been the same after a couple of deaths of close family members (one suicide (mom) and one died during an artificial heart transplant (husband)), but it does get better. The second death worsened my bipolar, seriously, and I’ve been diagnosed. My main problem is anxiety.

I’m trying a therapist that practices DBT and CBT.

Please keep trying therapy. It is possible to get better, and you can find a way to get there!

I promise!

I'm so sorry for your loss. How long has it been since they passed? Today is 4 years, though it seems like yesterday. I understand we are human and death is part of living. But it hurts so many people so deeply and there's no chance for goodbyes. Nor give the loved ones a chance to help

[Trace14]

So the day is here. I keep going over in my mind the events of that day. Knowing that a change or two may have prevented this from happening, at least on this day. Wishing there was a way to turn back time but really it wouldn't be for just this day. All the way back to childhood. I know my traumas are not as bad as some others. But now knowing what they were and how they impact my life later, maybe I could change things. Why can't my heart and head let go of these memories so I can live?

My mom died 17 years ago, and my husband died 5 years ago.

My mom left me a recording. She said she wanted me to have a nice life.

Your dad would want you to think of the good times. His life isn’t just how he died, and if there was anyway for him to have you think of the good times, I’m sure that is what he would want you to do.

I’m sorry - this day is a tough one, I know

[pegasus]

Because when memories are disjointed and not complete, when blame is felt by the victim, because of the manner of the death, because of the complexity of the feelings... I'm so sorry you are going through this. Complex grief takes a long long time but you will reach a point of peace with this.

[Trace14]

He didn't even leave a letter. He called and left a partial message on my answering machine .....he was crying and he paused talking and the answering machine hung up shortly after he started talking.

I am so sorry

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Because when memories are disjointed and not complete, when blame is felt by the victim, because of the manner of the death, because of the complexity of the feelings... I'm so sorry you are going through this. Complex grief takes a long long time but you will reach a point of peace with this.

Thanks I wish it would hurry up and resolve. It's a lot of work to deal with all these emotions and memories.

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by Trace14

He didn't even leave a letter. He called and left a partial message on my answering machine .....he was crying and he paused talking and the answering machine hung up shortly after he started talking.

I feel suicidal impulses a lot in my bleaker periods but what has always held me back is knowing the effect it would have on my own daughter - I could not do that to her having experienced a suicide threatening parent myself throughout my childhood. I know it is hard for you but I do want you to know you have helped me maintain my resolve, I know why I must resist those temptations. Even though it's bloody hard at times to keep going somehow I manage to claw my way back from the precipice and get help in time.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this yourself

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Carmina

I feel suicidal impulses a lot in my bleaker periods but what has always held me back is knowing the effect it would have on my own daughter - I could not do that to her having experienced a suicide threatening parent myself throughout my childhood. I know it is hard for you but I do want you to know you have helped me maintain my resolve, I know why I must resist those temptations. Even though it's bloody hard at times to keep going somehow I manage to claw my way back from the precipice and get help in time.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this yourself

I'm glad you thought those emotions and feelings out, especially for your daughter. The forum is always here if you are struggling, lots of crisis lines out there, there are options.
We help each other here, it's a give and take.

[Trace14]

The day has come and gone and you would think that would be the end of pain, but actually 4 years ago it was just the beginning. It will take a few days to deal with this mental hangover, maybe. Could be longer, feels different than before like it was more intense this time. Don't remember large parts of yesterday, been up since 2:30 a.m. Things just seem outta whack. It certainly has my stomach all messed up.