[Whykeepgoing]

Not last week, but the Friday before (so it's been ten days) I got a call from my best friend's husband telling me that she had taken her life on Thursday. I was in shock and then I broke down, barely able to speak. I just kept telling him how sorry I was. He told me that he was taking her back to Texas (where she is from) for a private family burial.

I was not thinking clearly at the time and of course, it would not even have been appropriate given the grief he must have been going thru, but I have a million questions to ask him and I don't know how. I knew her long before they got married and was never close to him. But I can't stop thinking about her. About how he is doing. About how things were going and if she left a note. He told me that there was something that he found that he thought she would want me to have, but I don't know what it is. When should I call to check on him and his children (they had none together -- she actually didn't have any), but she was a step mother to his three.

I can't stop thinking about her. And of course, when I do, I cry, so I don't want to call him to meet and just cry and make him feel as tho he needs to console me. What is the way to handle this? He is the only person I know that knows her and can maybe help me to get a handle on this, but I don't want to cause him pain. But maybe he's in pain and no one knew her like I did. Maybe talking to me would be a comfort to him?

Can anyone give me any advice? I feel like I'm climbing the walls. How much time is enough? Too much? I don't know. And that's just trying to deal with the husband. If I got into the meat of my relationship with her and how deeply I feel that loss, I could write a post to rival war and peace, I swear to god! Just any input would be helpful. Thank you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Whykeepgoing

Not last week, but the Friday before (so it's been ten days) I got a call from my best friend's husband telling me that she had taken her life on Thursday. I was in shock and then I broke down, barely able to speak. I just kept telling him how sorry I was. He told me that he was taking her back to Texas (where she is from) for a private family burial.

I was not thinking clearly at the time and of course, it would not even have been appropriate given the grief he must have been going thru, but I have a million questions to ask him and I don't know how. I knew her long before they got married and was never close to him. But I can't stop thinking about her. About how he is doing. About how things were going and if she left a note. He told me that there was something that he found that he thought she would want me to have, but I don't know what it is. When should I call to check on him and his children (they had none together -- she actually didn't have any), but she was a step mother to his three.

I can't stop thinking about her. And of course, when I do, I cry, so I don't want to call him to meet and just cry and make him feel as tho he needs to console me. What is the way to handle this? He is the only person I know that knows her and can maybe help me to get a handle on this, but I don't want to cause him pain. But maybe he's in pain and no one knew her like I did. Maybe talking to me would be a comfort to him?

Can anyone give me any advice? I feel like I'm climbing the walls. How much time is enough? Too much? I don't know. And that's just trying to deal with the husband. If I got into the meat of my relationship with her and how deeply I feel that loss, I could write a post to rival war and peace, I swear to god! Just any input would be helpful. Thank you.

So sorry you are going through this. Death is hard enough but when someone takes their life by their own hands I don't think we will ever have all the answers. Maybe you could call the husband and tell him how you are feeling and that you have a lot of questions. Maybe you two could meet for lunch or coffee if you live close enough. Call to tell him you are thinking about him and offer support to open the door.
People that die by suicide often keep what they are thinking private and that's the scary part. How can you help if you don't see it coming. That's why physical clues are so important to notice.
Best wishes with this. Just wade into the convo. slowly, you will know when it's the right time.

[Whykeepgoing]

Originally Posted by Trace14

So sorry you are going through this. Death is hard enough but when someone takes their life by their own hands I don't think we will ever have all the answers. Maybe you could call the husband and tell him how you are feeling and that you have a lot of questions. Maybe you two could meet for lunch or coffee if you live close enough. Call to tell him you are thinking about him and offer support to open the door.
People that die by suicide often keep what they are thinking private and that's the scary part. How can you help if you don't see it coming. That's why physical clues are so important to notice.
Best wishes with this. Just wade into the convo. slowly, you will know when it's the right time.

. Thank you for your kind message. I will call him, I think. I just need to find the courage. Both to face him and the fact that I wasn’t there for her and also to be strong enough to be a friend to him. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to do either one, but you are right.
I just need to wade in and the tide will take me where it will. I couldn’t control what she did and I won’t be able to control what happens next. But if I don’t at least try to reach out to him, I won’t have done anything and that will eat at me forever, I think.
Ugh... I’m just gonna cry the whole time. This sucks so much.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Whykeepgoing

. Thank you for your kind message. I will call him, I think. I just need to find the courage. Both to face him and the fact that I wasn’t there for her and also to be strong enough to be a friend to him. I’m afraid that I’m not strong enough to do either one, but you are right.
I just need to wade in and the tide will take me where it will. I couldn’t control what she did and I won’t be able to control what happens next. But if I don’t at least try to reach out to him, I won’t have done anything and that will eat at me forever, I think.
Ugh... I’m just gonna cry the whole time. This sucks so much.

Do you live close enough to meet face to face? Or just call and let him know you are thinking of him and you will get a feel for what can go next, just be patient. Answers may not happen this call, or the next. Wait until the time is right for both of you. Yes, it will be hard having that conversation, crying just shows you are human and expressing your pain. No shame in that.

[spondiferous]

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have some thoughts to offer as someone who lost a sister a few years ago. I actually prefer when people talk about her and ask questions. Most people assume I don't want to talk about it and avoid it altogether, and even change the topic when I bring it up, as if she never existed. And then my grief feels too overwhelming for people and I isolate because it feels to me like everyone needs for her death not to have happened, when it will always take up space in my life, no matter how long it's been.

Everyone is different, so your friend's partner may have a different perspective/feelings on it, and you also need to consider your own boundaries and healing and safety, and what feels right for you, but by expressing your grief, you are not putting anything on your friend's partner. For me it was actually helpful to see other people's grief because mine was so huge; it helped calm my fears that I was being irrational or that I was 'too much' for people. You are letting him see that she was loved. When it comes to figuring out when the right time is to move forward with anything, or to talk about it, you can call just to check on them, and then check in with him about when the appropriate time would be to stop by, to collect whatever it is he wants you to have.

I also think it's important to honour your own process though. If it's still too raw for you, or if you have a lot of guilt or whatever it is that you're experiencing, it may be helpful to process that stuff first. I would trust yourself. It might feel in times like this that people closest to your friend are 'more in need' (for lack of a better term), but taking care of yourself is just as important. You also experienced the loss. There is no right way to grieve, just whatever works for you.

And none of this is to invalidate anything you're feeling or experiencing. Just something to think about. I think it's totally normal that you have all those questions about your friend's life and death. Those are questions most people have. I have been in that situation myself where I was asking a family member of the deceased, and they answered a few of my questions and then informed me they didn't think it was the place or time to be having that conversation. Prior to that it didn't occur to me that my questions would be intrusive because I didn't mean them to be, but then of course she'd probably been asked all those same things by dozens of people already and just wanted her own space to process/grieve. So I think it's great that you have that awareness. One thing you can always do, maybe further down the road, once he and his family have had some time to grieve, is ask if you can ask questions. He may never want to/be able to answer them, but then again he might and then you can get that closure. There's no harm in asking permission.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you healing in the journey to come.

[Whykeepgoing]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Do you live close enough to meet face to face? Or just call and let him know you are thinking of him and you will get a feel for what can go next, just be patient. Answers may not happen this call, or the next. Wait until the time is right for both of you. Yes, it will be hard having that conversation, crying just shows you are human and expressing your pain. No shame in that.

Yes, I live close enough to meet him in person, but I'm such a coward I'm afraid to face him. I have so much guilt and I'm looking to him for answers or absolution or something. I don't even know what.

But I appreciate the encouragement and feedback. I feel very alone right now and, even tho it's only been 10 days, I feel like the other people I know in my life have their own problems and are moving on with life.

They didn't know her like I did and, quite honestly, the other people in my life are very peripheral. I don't really have friends. She was pretty much it. So because I'm not close with anyone else, I think they don't understand that I was actually close to someone and that someone is now gone. They just think she was another casual acquaintance, like they are. So, I don't have a support system and that's why I think I feel so crazy about when/if/how I should talk to the husband. But also why I feel so desperate to do so.

So, thank you.

[Whykeepgoing]

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I'm sorry for your loss.

I have some thoughts to offer as someone who lost a sister a few years ago. I actually prefer when people talk about her and ask questions. Most people assume I don't want to talk about it and avoid it altogether, and even change the topic when I bring it up, as if she never existed. And then my grief feels too overwhelming for people and I isolate because it feels to me like everyone needs for her death not to have happened, when it will always take up space in my life, no matter how long it's been.

Everyone is different, so your friend's partner may have a different perspective/feelings on it, and you also need to consider your own boundaries and healing and safety, and what feels right for you, but by expressing your grief, you are not putting anything on your friend's partner. For me it was actually helpful to see other people's grief because mine was so huge; it helped calm my fears that I was being irrational or that I was 'too much' for people. You are letting him see that she was loved. When it comes to figuring out when the right time is to move forward with anything, or to talk about it, you can call just to check on them, and then check in with him about when the appropriate time would be to stop by, to collect whatever it is he wants you to have.

I also think it's important to honour your own process though. If it's still too raw for you, or if you have a lot of guilt or whatever it is that you're experiencing, it may be helpful to process that stuff first. I would trust yourself. It might feel in times like this that people closest to your friend are 'more in need' (for lack of a better term), but taking care of yourself is just as important. You also experienced the loss. There is no right way to grieve, just whatever works for you.

And none of this is to invalidate anything you're feeling or experiencing. Just something to think about. I think it's totally normal that you have all those questions about your friend's life and death. Those are questions most people have. I have been in that situation myself where I was asking a family member of the deceased, and they answered a few of my questions and then informed me they didn't think it was the place or time to be having that conversation. Prior to that it didn't occur to me that my questions would be intrusive because I didn't mean them to be, but then of course she'd probably been asked all those same things by dozens of people already and just wanted her own space to process/grieve. So I think it's great that you have that awareness. One thing you can always do, maybe further down the road, once he and his family have had some time to grieve, is ask if you can ask questions. He may never want to/be able to answer them, but then again he might and then you can get that closure. There's no harm in asking permission.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. I wish you healing in the journey to come.

Thank you for sharing your story and I am very sorry for your loss. My friend and I had a bond that I have never felt with anyone, but as I have two sisters of my own, I cannot imagine the loss that you have suffered. Of course, it's apples to oranges and no one wins in that kind of comparison. We all lost. It sucks.

I got a lot out of what you had to say, though. I am trying very hard to process everything. There is too much to go through. Or maybe it's just too soon to try to go through everything. I don't know. Maybe I need to just sit in the moment for a while. It's only been 10 days, but I feel as though I need all of the answers now. And it's not like they'll be any different next week. It's not like there are any answers guaranteed at all, anyways.

And when I do contact the husband, I won't just bombard him with all of my emotions and questions. I will check in with him and ask him if it's ok to ask him questions and tell him that it's ok to tell me if he needs to stop or talk about something else for a while. That we can go at his pace. That is some very good advice. I need to take his feelings into account and make this a shared experience so that we both can hopefully get something positive out of meeting and maybe I can help him.

I very much appreciate you sharing your story and your input with me. I feel very lost and alone right now and kinda crazy. Like it's all I think about and I don't know what to do about it, but I feel like I need to do something. But maybe I don't have to do it today. Or when I do, maybe I won't completely make an *** of myself. Or, I probably will, but maybe I'll be able to take a breath and reel it back in a little. Hopefully.

So, thank you.

[spondiferous]

I also struggle with the feeling of needing all answers 'now' (or 'five minutes ago') in pretty much everything.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Whykeepgoing

Yes, I live close enough to meet him in person, but I'm such a coward I'm afraid to face him. I have so much guilt and I'm looking to him for answers or absolution or something. I don't even know what.

But I appreciate the encouragement and feedback. I feel very alone right now and, even tho it's only been 10 days, I feel like the other people I know in my life have their own problems and are moving on with life.

They didn't know her like I did and, quite honestly, the other people in my life are very peripheral. I don't really have friends. She was pretty much it. So because I'm not close with anyone else, I think they don't understand that I was actually close to someone and that someone is now gone. They just think she was another casual acquaintance, like they are. So, I don't have a support system and that's why I think I feel so crazy about when/if/how I should talk to the husband. But also why I feel so desperate to do so.

So, thank you.

You always have us here at PC. We are not professionals but we try to help and try to think of some options with you. The anxiety leading up to this talk is probably going to be much worse than the conversation itself. So get it done as soon as you comfortably can to get this anxiety off of you.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by spondiferous

I also struggle with the feeling of needing all answers 'now' (or 'five minutes ago') in pretty much everything.

I can relate to that. Sometimes posting on PC it takes a while to get something answered. It used to bother me but now I just roll with it

"Patience grasshopper"