Feeling angry and rather wrecked

I am coming up on three years since my husband died suddenly of a drug overdose (may 28). I thought I forgave him last year but as it turns out, nope. I am full of rage. I hate him so much for doing this to me and my son. In the beginning I cried and I missed him but I have shut all that off. I do not cry and I feel no love for him, only hatred. He spent the last two years of his life mired in addiction. He routinely lied to me about using. I didn’t know he was using again when he died so I was completely shocked when the coroner called and said he found opiates AND cocaine in his system. ****ing cocaine??? I caught him a week or two prior and he admitted to using cocaine but once again lied and said he “didn’t even like it” and wouldn’t do it again. Yeah we see where that went.

I never want to see pictures of him, I want to completely erase him from my life and pretend like I was never married. I can’t do that because I don’t want my son to hate his own father. My son was only four when he died. He’s been asking more about his dad now that he’s older. He likes writing him notes and looking at pictures of his dad. My blood boils when I do this with him. I swallow it down so my son doesn’t know but still, the hatred and rage is real.

I also feel like I am completely messed up forever. I used to be very caring and empathetic; now I could care less about anyone except my son. My sister in law wants me to date “when I am ready” but that’s her assuming I want someone else in my life. Part of me does and part of me thinks what’s the point, I can’t trust anyone anyway. I trusted my husband and he spent two years (that I even know of, could have been longer) lying to me. And worst part is he claimed when he was clean that he hated doing it, and yet he ****ing did it again right before he died. So how could I trust another man? And how could I expect the universe not to rip another person away from me? I’m positive my son is going to die, I just don’t know when. It would be fitting.

I just feel so damaged. I feel like there’s no way to get past this. And that I’m a horrible person for not having any compassion for people anymore. I’m just a shell of a person.

Thanks for letting me rant. I do have a therapist but we never seem to talk about these issues. I know I should.

((((((((((Wildflower))))))))))))

You're right. You should.
It's got to be hard to deal with. I'm sorry you're having this understandably much trouble. Keep talking about it until it gets better, and it will.

((((((((((( Wild ))))))))))))

now you know why i have been single and celibate for 24 yrs. i highly recommend it for people who have horrible relationship issues. it gives you a chance to focus on yourself, what you want, what you can do for yourself that is rewarding and fulfilling. mostly, a person who spends a LOT of time alone with themself comes to see more and more how much our choices affect our outcomes....

(((Wildflowerchild)))

I haven't been by this part of the forum for a while. It's difficult for me to look around here sometimes.

My reaction to my mom doing herself in was anger. I totally get that. I was even angry with my husband for dying young, even though it wasn't his fault.

My last thought right before opened the forum was, "If my daughter dies, I won't even come into work. I'll leave this mess here and never come back." I often feel like I'm going to lose her too. She's it. The last thing I've got. She is mostly OK, except that she has turned anxious since her father/my husband died.

I swear, I think being bipolar makes grief more painful.

I make a list of what I want to talk about with the therapist. Maybe that would bring issues you need to talk about to the top if you make a list.

(((HUGS)))

Wildflower, I believe that the way you feel is totally normal, and to be expected. My precious sister died of cancer last year, but she had been an addict for 40 years. She had severe cardiac damage and lung damage from street drugs. That did not help her survive the cancer- and possibly, maybe, even contributed to the cancer.

I miss my sister something awful and I am also SO ANGRY at her!!!! She was the most colorful, brightest, intelligent, talented, lively person I've ever known, WHY did she hate herself so? The anger almost chokes me.

I greatly commend you for putting your son first. He is so small and needs to feel only love for his dad at this point so he can love himself and who he comes from. You and your son will deal with what happened later on.

So in a freak turn of events, I have met a man. I shouldn’t be getting into a relationship right now but hey, yolo right. I of all people know that. It’s going to take a LONG time to trust that he’s genuine and not just stringing me along or something but I don’t WANT to be this ****ed up bitter person anymore. He inspires me to be better.

The anniversary of my husband’s death is quickly approaching. I don’t know if I’ll be with this man by then, but it doesn’t matter. My mother in law always want to go to the cemetery on the anniversary and I hate ****ing going but you better bet I’m taking my *** there this year and I’m really gonna give my husband what for. I’m gonna keep it quiet because everyone will be around but if I could I would scream at him. I’m gonna start writing again. I’m a little scared to do so because I’m acared of this rage. But I can’t live like this. If it works out with this new man, I don’t want to constantly be suspicious of him. I want to choose to trust him and if I get burned...so be it. At least I’ll have experienced something.

I just wish I could hear my husband say he’s sorry. I know he is. I know even though his actions say differently, he loved us more than anything. Except drugs. But I want to hear him say it. That’s impossible, I know. I don’t really believe in signs or an afterlife.but if I could just know for sure he’s sorry...

Anyway I’m working on it and myself. I hate living like this. And I don’t have to.

"inspires to be better" should be you from within, but I understand why you feel you need that.
I know this day coming is difficult, but you're sufficient to get through it and all life. Be patient and loving with you.