[LMo]

This is going to sound callous, but he became interpersonally incapacitated (brain cancer) in October and died 4 weeks ago. But I can't say I miss him yet. I loved him because he was my dad, but to be truthful he gave me more heartache than comfort or security. He was never abusive or anything like that - just self-absorbed, arrogant, and judgmental. He was not the kind of father I needed or wanted.

Ironically, my brother (2 years younger than I) remains devastated by the loss of our dad, and considers our dad to have been the best father who ever lived. You should have heard the eulogy he wrote. I wondered 'why don't I see him the same way?' But I don't... My dad basically treated my brother and me the same - perhaps slightly different because of our genders. The main difference is how WE treated HIM. My brother was completely deferential and worshipping, but I ... was not. Truth be told I didn't really like him very much.

But shouldn't I still miss my own father?

[I_WMD]

>..LMo ,,,, You have been a member here for awhile ,,, so I feel I probabley could not contribute anymore than has been written here in the threads of this forum .......

I can say Something about the missing part from my own perspective though ...

... As your Brother has ,,, I went the way of no ,, no ,, not yet , . And that went to some of the bad things I had done in my years .... ,,, And realized he cared his own way ,,, but really did the care ,,, rather than spoke it .

Then there was a time that I could close my eyes ,,, and see his face ,,, Drown out my mind ,,, and hear his voice .

Followed by a time of nothing .

And now almost 22 years later >>>>> ,,,, I can see his face again .

Odd thing that,,,,, . W E Feel. And to Each their Own >>>>. ,,,,,,,,,,,, ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL .

[bebop]

maybe you are in the numb stage right now hon. maybe you know he is not suffering anymore. don't kick yourself over it. it will happen when you least expect it. we are here and will be here for you when you need us. (((hugs)))

[lenjan]

I would agree that you are in the numb stage. My dad and I didn't always have the best relationship either, except for his last year or two, but it will be 9 years Aug. 1 and I miss him every single day and wish I could share with him all the good things that have happened in my life since then.

But, it took me awhile (a few months at least) after he died to get my brain around the idea that he really was gone for good.

(((((((LMo))))))))

[Perna]

I don't miss mine much and he was wonderful. I think it has to do with the amount of personal engagement we had with the person, how much we miss them? I miss my father-in-law more than I miss my father I think.

I mostly miss my childhood father, his caretaking self and some conversation but I didn't "need" him for anything for 25-30 years? I don't know if your mother is still alive but that influenced my grieving pattern too, having my stepmother still alive and tending to her, etc.

[nothemama8]

LMo, if you didn't miss him , you wouldn't be asking, also you have sooooooo many things going on right now , the baby, your hubby, your hormones.
It's been 35 years since I lost Mama and I tend to miss her only when I feel quilty about not missing her, I still think at times I should give her a call then I get the quilts big time
Love ya
Angie

[DocClyde]

(((LMo)))

I think that you may be there too, but you never know. When one grandpa died, and I loved him--it was not as tragic, cause I knew he was going to die.

When my dad's dad died, I felt horrible, and cried my brains out.

I dunno--I guess sometimes it happens to depend on the moods you are feeling, regardless of whom the person is sometimes.

[bebop]

another thought I just had was maybe you accepted it while he was dying hon. I think once you can do that it is much easier to let them go. I just went thru this with my aunt last week. I watched her suffer for the last few months so when she passed it was almost a relief because I knew she was not in pain anymore. for me it is hard to grieve in that situation. you did say at one time I think that your brother was having a hard time with denial that is was happening. right?

[LMo]

Everyone, thanks for your thoughts and support - I appreciate it

Bebop, I'm really sorry to hear about your aunt. I've been pretty much off the boards this week and didn't read about it

I think that all of you are speaking elements of the truth about me and my stage in the process.

I'm mostly just thinking out loud... I just want to make sure that I don't bury my feelings. When my mom died, I really didn't cry - I think I cried for the first time this past July, 22 years after her death. Go figure. I'm slow, I guess...

[bebop]

ty hon. really I am ok. I know she is in a much better place and no longer in pain.

sometimes it just hits all at once. you never know when. we will be here for you hon anytime.