[onlymedid]

So, I know there are many stages of grieving, but I just can't deal with the anger and sadness right now. On top of that I have a p-doc that canceled two days in a row and I can't see him til March 12th and I REALLY need to be back on meds.

I am sooo soooo soooo angry that I can't control it. I had such an outburst tonight and told my boyfriend I was going to leave and wouldn't be back out of fear that I wouldn't be able to control myself.

It is so not fair that mom had to suffer for the last 6 years only to lose a battle that few seem to win with cancer. I am only 33, I am supposed to have my mom there for my wedding, for the birth of my first child and just for emotional support. She is the one that always cooked the holiday dinners. She is the one that kept us in line. She was the rock and now our rock has crumbled and gone.

I miss her so much. I just want her back...not in pain. I don't want to be angry and sad anymore. I don't want to have to go to work pretending like I am just fine and I am dealing wonderfully....cuz I'M NOT! I know "things will get better in time" and "time will heal your heart" and "it's ok to be sad", but is it ok to be so darned angry at the world? Is it ok to just hate everything and everyone right now? Is it ok to just wish to be with her sometimes? I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything, please don't take it like that, I just want to be held in her arms again.

I am struggling to keep myself in check and it worries me that I am going to just lose it all together. I don't know what to do.
I just really needed to vent.

[bebop]

I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time hon. may I ask how long it has been? I too lost my mom to cancer. it took 10 months from the time we found out. very hard to deal with for sure.

[onlymedid]

It has only been since February 6th....not long at all.

[Pita]

Onlyme -
Anger is a stage of grief. It is okay to be angry and maybe just talk to your boyfriend and explain how you are feeling. The world stinks for you right now and you are just going to feel what you feel - there is no right or wrong. He may not understand exactly but at least he will know it is not about him. If you need med's do you have a family doc that you could talk to since you cannot get into your Pdoc for a few weeks?

The only thing that I can suggest is that when I lost my Mom and was angry and sad and lost, the only thing that I could do was to run and work out until I was ready to drop - just wear myself out and it seemed to wear the anger out - did not do much for the sadness or lose but at least I was not seething at everyone else in my life.

At the worse times I also would constantly try to remind myself that my Mom would not want me to be so distraught - and I am sure your Mom would not want you to distraught either - she sounds like a great Mom.

I am so sorry - it is sooo not fair.

[bebop]

hon you have to give yourself time. it is so recent all the normal stages are happening now. for me the initial stuff probably took at least a month or 2 with my mom. with my granddaughter it took much longer. different circumstances altogether.

[bebop]

maybe this will help some. I copy these things from another website that I found.

Normal Grief Reactions
When experiencing grief, it is common to feel . . .

like you are "going crazy"

unable to focus or concentrate

irritable or angry (at the deceased, oneself, others, higher powers)

frustrated or misunderstood

anxious, nervous, or fearful

like you want to "escape"

guilt or remorse

ambivalence

numbness


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Pita said:
Onlyme -
Anger is a stage of grief. It is okay to be angry and maybe just talk to your boyfriend and explain how you are feeling. The world stinks for you right now and you are just going to feel what you feel - there is no right or wrong. He may not understand exactly but at least he will know it is not about him. If you need med's do you have a family doc that you could talk to since you cannot get into your Pdoc for a few weeks?

The only thing that I can suggest is that when I lost my Mom and was angry and sad and lost, the only thing that I could do was to run and work out until I was ready to drop - just wear myself out and it seemed to wear the anger out - did not do much for the sadness or lose but at least I was not seething at everyone else in my life.

At the worse times I also would constantly try to remind myself that my Mom would not want me to be so distraught - and I am sure your Mom would not want you to distraught either - she sounds like a great Mom.

I am so sorry - it is sooo not fair.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks, Pita. Maybe I need to go for a walk or something. I know my mom wouldn't want me distraught, you are so right. She would understand my being upset and missing her, but not as distraught as I feel now.
I do have an appt with my family doc on the 5th. Still seems so far away.

BJ

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
maybe this will help some. I copy these things from another website that I found.

Normal Grief Reactions
When experiencing grief, it is common to feel . . .

like you are "going crazy"

unable to focus or concentrate

irritable or angry (at the deceased, oneself, others, higher powers)

frustrated or misunderstood

anxious, nervous, or fearful

like you want to "escape"

guilt or remorse

ambivalence

numbness


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Thank you for that, bebop. I totally feel or have felt most of that over the past two and a half weeks or so. I think I am afraid of more to come.
Thanks again. It helps to know that I am not alone in the ways I am feeling.

BJ

[DocClyde]

(((Onlyme)))

[bebop]

you will never be alone here hon. if I can help in any way let me know and I will do what I can. (((hugs)))

[I_WMD]

<<<<<. That is a picture as a feeling represents .

.Pain is a feeling we understand when we bump our toe ,,, or break a bone .

But I have found that the pain that has no description of how or why ,,,,>>>>>. Is the Pain Of a >>>>>,,,,, broken heart. .

And I have never known mine to heal ,,,,, Just beats stronger. .

Oh ,, B F Knows you having a hard time too ,, I would have to think .

[onlymedid]

Thanks for the hugs Clyde!

Bebop, you are a totally nice person and appreciate your kindness!

WMD, You are incredibly wise! My heart is truly broken right now. I know my BF knows of my hard time because I am taking it out on him...unintentionally. He is very concerned for me as yesterday I was at the lowest point of my life in a very long time. I just stopped talking and was so very very very angry at the universe. I didn't care about anything at all....not even him. I was ready for exiting this world, but having him by my side constantly helped a ton. Today I am not as down or angry, but still a bit angry....ya know?!
My car broke down last night and so that just put the topping on the cake. UGH! Oh well, I can only do what I can do I guess. *big heavy sigh*
I just feel.....lost. How the heck do I get back to feeling connected and not like I am floating in some fog all the time?!

BJ

[bebop]

awe thanks hon for the kind words. I only speak from the heart. I know how the lost feeling feels. I wanted so badly to exit the world when my granddaughter died. I think that is the hardest thing in the world I have ever had to endure. It took me a very long time to even look at babies her age. still at times I have a hard time with that and next month will be 12 yrs. You will make it thru this hon even though right now that is so hard to see. Hang here with us, lean on us and together we will all make it thru. (((hugs)))

[I_WMD]

Yea the added stuff at tough times are usually last straw and then we tend to really say WTF Next ?????..

.onlymedid<<<<,,(((((((((((((((((((((( BIG Hug ... ))))))))))))))))))))),, ..

To Help when the Big Sigh comes again .... Rest and deal as this is slow and kick butt to the mind and eyes ,,, The tears will be dry ,,, But they will leave there mark in the puffiness....

Rest and Just lay your head on B F's lap and sleep .

This is the most blank your feelings will feel ,,, and most slow of time to pass.

T/C.

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
awe thanks hon for the kind words. I only speak from the heart. I know how the lost feeling feels. I wanted so badly to exit the world when my granddaughter died. I think that is the hardest thing in the world I have ever had to endure. It took me a very long time to even look at babies her age. still at times I have a hard time with that and next month will be 12 yrs. You will make it thru this hon even though right now that is so hard to see. Hang here with us, lean on us and together we will all make it thru. (((hugs)))

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

((((bebop))))
How long did it take for the feelings of wanting to exit the world stop? I mean, I am cool right now, but I know that feeling might creep up again and it scares me.
Do you ever stop seeing her image in everyone and everything? I keep seeing and hearing my mom wherever I go.
Thanks for helping me even though you don't "know" me.
BJ

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I_WMD said:
Yea the added stuff at tough times are usually last straw and then we tend to really say WTF Next ?????..

.onlymedid<<<<,,(((((((((((((((((((((( BIG Hug ... ))))))))))))))))))))),, ..

To Help when the Big Sigh comes again .... Rest and deal as this is slow and kick butt to the mind and eyes ,,, The tears will be dry ,,, But they will leave there mark in the puffiness....

Rest and Just lay your head on B F's lap and sleep .

This is the most blank your feelings will feel ,,, and most slow of time to pass.

T/C.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, I hate that WTF next stuff!!!!
I sure hope these feelings pass sooner rather than later.
I think I will just lay my head on my BF's lap, thanks for the idea. That actually sounds very comforting and I know he would let me.

Thanks for the

BJ

[bebop]

it took long enough for me to finally accept her death and the reasons. I would say when we got the autopsy results back for that and it was 5 months. acceptance is the first step in the healing I think. I think maybe the wanting to exit was way sooner than that though. some are sooner than others. your mom had cancer right? you have to start thinking about would you really want her to still be here and in that kind of pain. she surely would not want to be here like that. of all the ones I have lost in my life there is not one person I would want to come back like they were. I am a pretty religious person though and I know in my heart the ones I have lost are in a much better place with whole new bodies and no more pain.

[I_WMD]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
onlymedid said:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I_WMD said:
Yea the added stuff at tough times are usually last straw and then we tend to really say WTF Next ?????..

.onlymedid<<<<,,(((((((((((((((((((((( BIG Hug ... ))))))))))))))))))))),, ..

To Help when the Big Sigh comes again .... Rest and deal as this is slow and kick butt to the mind and eyes ,,, The tears will be dry ,,, But they will leave there mark in the puffiness....

Rest and Just lay your head on B F's lap and sleep .

This is the most blank your feelings will feel ,,, and most slow of time to pass.

T/C.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Yeah, I hate that WTF next stuff!!!!
I sure hope these feelings pass sooner rather than later.
I think I will just lay my head on my BF's lap, thanks for the idea. That actually sounds very comforting and I know he would let me.

Thanks for the

BJ

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ..

I just add this then onlymedid ,,,,,,, Not odd to hear their voice ,, or see their face ,, or remember their words .... and Feel the hugs and smell their scent ,,, or be trigged when a favorite recipe is made that is a comfort food that you two shared .

Your closeness will be it's own resolve ,,, and you might find ,,, A S M I L E . .

Leave the exiting for the time that is meant for you ,, kinda ,,, Not at your choosing time >>> OK > ? <<<.oxox.Rest.............................................................. .

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bebop said:
it took long enough for me to finally accept her death and the reasons. I would say when we got the autopsy results back for that and it was 5 months. acceptance is the first step in the healing I think. I think maybe the wanting to exit was way sooner than that though. some are sooner than others. your mom had cancer right? you have to start thinking about would you really want her to still be here and in that kind of pain. she surely would not want to be here like that. of all the ones I have lost in my life there is not one person I would want to come back like they were. I am a pretty religious person though and I know in my heart the ones I have lost are in a much better place with whole new bodies and no more pain.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yeah, she had cancer and I would never want her to come back the way she was. That would suck! I know she is with my grandfather now, he passed on October 28th, 2007.

[bebop]

try to remember the good times and know that in spirit she will always be with you. she would not want you to grieve so terribly. she is resting now and pain free.

[onlymedid]

I'm tryin' bebop. I'm tryin'.

[bebop]

I know you are hon. I will be here anytime. right now is too fresh. let yourself grieve and try not to rush it. I know what you are going thru. it stinks.