All too soon and all too real

The 31st is creaping up and I am really struggling with it. My babies due date. It is getting harder and harder to look at babies, pregnant women, my own kids....

I have this strong sense of loss right now. What my little baby would have looked like. Boy or a girl. How sweet they would have been. I found myself at the store buying pants for my son and I ended up in the baby section. I stared at the newborn clothes, cribs, toys, even diapers. I am so sad and want my baby back.

I am not sure how to get through this day. I am alone for this weekend. My kids are with their dad, bf has to work, my parents will be out of town looking for a house to buy. I really am not sure if I will be "safe with myself". How terrible does that sound!!! Its honesty at its finest. I am scared, angry, and simply hating myself. Did I make the wrong choice? Maybe I could have carried this baby safely. Now I will never know. My baby had no chance to prove everyone wrong and I made this choice. I wish I could hit that rewind button. Cause it hurts so fricking much and I want to smash everything is sight. And its my own doing....

Justy

I am having nightmares. I start as a happy new mom, then suddenly something happens. Something goes wrong.

I had "planned" this month to be the time when I "go". I thought I had fought this and realized that this is not the answer. But the urges are back and strong.

I am trying so hard not to do anything I will regret. The SI is screaming for me. I think I am punishing myself because of my baby. And not sure how to deal with this.

Justy

You did what you felt had to be done at the time. It's natural to go through feelings of loss, remorse, or guilt, for a while, but remember that you did what you felt what was right then. I have a dear friend going through these feelings right now... for her it was fear of what the drugs and alcohol would have done, afraid that she wouldn't be able to give that baby a chance of a healthy life. I don't know if you beleive in god, Justy. But if you do, you know god forgives. You need to forgive your self, you will some day if you can't right now.
I don't know where souls go, but I've a good feeling that little soul gets another chance, and in the time in between, it understands. Wherever we go when we're not on this plane of existence, there are no grudges.
Please be safe, Justy. Don't give in to the thing that wants to punish you. You're already in pain. Keep talking to us, don't give in.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Justy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know how you feel and nothing anyone said could comfort me. It's something I worked through on my own because I felt no one understood the pain I was feeling. I want you to know that your not alone. Please keep us posted as often as you can on how your doing.

((((((((((JUSTY))))))))))

When I was at my doctor's office to see him about my back: he was in the next room and I could hear the ultrasound of the lady's babies heartbeat. I love that sound and it brought me to tears. I wanted to run into that room and feel her baby move around. It is such an amazing sound (for those who have been able to experience this and for those who have not, I can't really describe it). It is such an neat sound. The babies heart rate is so fast, it takes me away just hearing this sound.

I keep thinking about the baby, hearing babies heart. Yes, I do believe in God but someone once told me that we have to forgive ourselves before God can forgive us: this I do believe so I don't think I will ever be forgiven.

Justy