[Rapunzel]

My brother died by suicide yesterday (Friday).

He had schizophrenia, and spent the last two years in jail for something that he did while he was having trouble with his meds and couldn't get help when he asked. He was always pretty impulsive, as if he didn't connect actions and consequences. They never gave him a trial. Recently they moved him from the jail to a couple of other places, the last being for evaluation preparatory to permanent placement at a hospital or a developmental center. He had hoped to be able to go home, but there really was never a chance of that. He had meds, and sometimes they helped, but sometimes the meds were the problem too. As far as I know, he never got any treatment besides meds, and sometimes his meds were denied him too.

He was always just a weird kid. When I lived at home ( I left when he was about 10 or 11) I really didn't like him. He was so annoying. Later on, in the years before he went to jail, I had broken off almost all contact with my family and he started exchanging email with me. I miss that. He was my main connection to the family during that time. He wasn't allowed to send email in jail.

I'm mad that he didn't get much of a chance to have a semi-normal life. He was smart, and sometimes funny, and he had some interests that he could have done well with if he had gotten the chance. I wish that I could have done more to help.

Rap

[sujunew]

((((((((((rapunzel))))))))))

[Christina86]

I'm sorry (((((((((((Rapunzel)))))))))))))

((( Rapunzel )))

My heart goes out to you.

Petunia

[sabby]

((((( Rapunzel ))))

I'm so very sorry for your loss. He is at rest now, no more illness, no more demons.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

oh sweetie....i'm so sorry....if you need a shoulder.....let me know

I lit a candle for you and him at http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng

The initials are PET if you do a search.

You'll be in my thoughts.

Rapunzel, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother.

My heart is with you, your family and the positive "footprints" he left on this earth.

mandy

[bebop]

I am very sorry for your loss hon.

I'm so sorry. ((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))

[DocClyde]

(((Rap))), so very sorry sweetheart...

[Rapunzel]

Thanks. Please forgive me for not having the energy for individual replies right now, but I do appreciate every one of your responses. The gratefulness.org site looks really neat. Thanks for that too.

(((((((((((((Everyone))))))))))))))))))

I do really appreciate your support. My brother is in a better place now, and probably doing better than he was. He had a very hard life, and I am sad and angry that he didn't get a chance to do more than he did. But I've been sad and angry about that for years, so his suicide basically just validates it. I'm not sure that there is really more to feel than I already did. It's just one more symptom of the family that I grew up in, which is dysfunctional and destructive, now fatally so. It wrecks lives. Not just his, but everyone's. It's amazing how much damage a dysfunctional family can do without even the assistance of drugs and alcohol. Just imagine what my family could do with that stuff.

Rap

[(JD)]

I know you struggled along with him at times... you were a good sister...and yes, he's in a better place.

[January]

((((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry. Please pm if you want to talk.

Hugs,

Jan

i'm so sorry.......love, pat

[mssumom]

{{{{{{{{Rap}}}}}}}}

I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother.......you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[dottie]

Hi Rap! My brother died Sept 22nd of last year...due to an accidental overdose of alcohol and pain killers. A year before that..my youngest brother took his own life in his garage. My eldest brother died in the hospital after 4 days of recovering from heart surgery. I have a half sister in California that does not seem to want a close relationship. All this is a daily load I carry with me. I am considering getting counseling regarding this but have not done so as yet. I don't know what the heck I'm waiting for. I wish you well. This is an incredible pain. You are not alone.

Love,
Dottie

[Rapunzel]

Dottie,

Wow - you do have a heavy burden.

At this point I am mostly mad that my brother didn't get treatment to help him cope with his symptoms. Meds may be necessary for Schizophrenia, but they don't preclude the need for supportive therapy, or therapy to overcome dysfunctional family issues and trauma. I'm the only one in my family who prefers the talk route to meds. The rest of them pretty much just use meds, and don't value therapy.

Thanks everyone for the support! It is appreciated very much.

Rap

Rhap--I lost two older brothers to drugs. One was 38, the other 42. Neither one was ever dx'ed with a mental illness but now that I am look back and after all I've read it is very clear to me that they had personality disorders and were both bi-polar.

Anger that I couldn't do more or that they didn't do more is something I am still working on. One was clean for eight years. Thought he was free. Heroin thought different.

I think being in contact with your brother through email was a wonderful show of sisterly support and I'm glad you had that.

PM if you ever need to talk. I understand.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Rapunzel.
I am sorry for your loss. Try to take care of yourself. soidhonia

[boopsie73]

(((((((rapunzel)))))))))

[Juliana]

(((Hugs)))) to you, Rapunzel. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I lost my uncle to suicide this summer. He had a traumatic childhood and struggled with severe depression throughout his life. It makes me so sad that he didn't have a happier, fuller, longer life... and, like you, I feel angry that he didn't get the help he needed. It seems like such a waste and there's so much grief in our family.

I know it's hard not to agonize over wondering if you could have done more to help, but ultimately it was out of your hands. Your brother struggled with a powerful illness. We can't control what goes on inside another person's mind. You didn't have the power to fix any of that for him. You loved him and you will miss him. It's so very sad. I hope you can find some solace in the happier memories you have of him.

[Rapunzel]

Thanks. The funeral is Friday, in California, and I have to go finish moving out of my old house this week too, so I'll just check in here when I can. I wish that I could get myself out of slug mode and get something done. My sister sent a story that my brother wrote. Maybe I'll post it here later. It shows what he was like a little bit.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dottie said:
... All this is a daily load I carry with me. I am considering getting counseling regarding this but have not done so as yet. I don't know what the heck I'm waiting for.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> omgoodness dottie..(((dottie))) you'll go when you're ready but my goodness you've lived through so much loss over the past few years.

please do get counseling as it could help a lot.

kindly,

[__zh]

very sorry to hear of your loss Rap. maybe his death will enable some of those feelings that have been locked away so tightly to come up and out a little?

please take care especially as you have so much driving to do finishing up your move.

our sympathies.