I Pushed It All Away..

Everything.. The emotions, the thoughts, the things I should do everyday. I just pushed it all away without realising.

I've been numb for so long, I haven't actually been able to think, feel, or do anything. I've just been on auto pilot and I only realised it last night when I was talking to Kevin, a counsellor who's a friend of my close friend, Sam, who died not very long ago.. I started talking to him easily about it all and started to finally open up more fully to someone and so easily, too. It opened up many doors that I have kept tightly shut and locked for so, so long.

I thought about Sam, her death, how I'd grieved for a while, but then just locked all the emotions away, just become an 'it', a robot just doing the normal day to day things; wake up, get out of bed, get dressed, maybe have breakfast, go to college, deal with college, come home, maybe eat, see people, go to bed and wither sleep or don't sleep. I thought about Chris, Sam's husband, his death. I thought about everyone in my life that has died and started to realise that it's always been when I've just got close to that person, and the last 3 deaths were of people who I'd agreed to meet, agreed on a date and everything.. Sam and I.. We'd arranged to go to a Josh Groban gig, with our close friend, Georgie. Chris and I, we'd arranged to meet up to talk stuff over, Allie and I had arranged to meet up, to get to know each other better.. It's awful. Why did it have to happen then?

It's overwhelmed me so much that I can't even go to college today.. I can't even face anybody today.. I have a meeting about becoming a board member for the residents here at the YMCA, which means meeting monthly with the manager, chairperson, governors etc. Scary stuff, it's another thing to take my mind away from all this..

I just wish I had that chance to see them, meet them, say goodbye to them.. One thing I'll always regret is not being able to go to their funerals.. I'll always regret that. I hate, hate, HATE myself for that

I wish I'd been stronger and faced up to all those feelings and thoughts.. I wish i could understand it.

TPND,
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Funerals are for the living. Those who are gone aren't tied to those types of rituals or material things. I do understand though, having felt that way when I was declared too young to go to my cousins.

You have been through a lot. It's hard to get in touch with such a tremendous amount of pain. I have no words of wisdom on how to "unstuff" it because I do the same thing. But I hope you can be gentle with yourself and find some sense of peace.

I just wish I'd taken that opportunity, those last opportunities to just say that one word.. "Goodbye". I can only try not to be so hard on myself, but I believe I will always hate myself for not going to their funerals.. I feel I don't deserve for them to be watching over me

It's a horrible feeling to have and, after reading your post, Blossom, I can understand fully where you're coming from too.. It's just not fair.. I lost my Foster Dad to cancer and it was so unexpected.. I didn't know what it was until he was already gone.. Now I'll not see him ever again.. I'll never get to meet the people I promised I'd meet

those who love you understand and accept you for all your misunderstandings.. those passed are all good people and want the best for you... not to feel disconnected and lost, but connected to their spirit, a goodness within that we each share.. sending kind and gentle thoughts ((Pain)))

Thank you, nowheretorun.

I know that they were all good people and that's what makes me angry.. Why do all the good people get taken away? All those that care about people so much and love people no matter what flaws they hold? All those people that are so careful about their lives, that make everything right.. It makes no sense and that's what kills me most..

I feel like there's such unfairness in the people who die and don't die.. Of course.. No-one deserves to die, but those who kill.. I just.. Why? Why the people that are such saints to the world?

I hate this. It kills me so much

Tell them now. Write a letter to each and every one of the people you didn't get a chance to say goodbye to and let them know how crappy you feel about not seeing them one last time.

Write their names on balloons and one by one say goodbye or whatever you need to say as you let them float away. Send them up to those people and talk to them. "Dad, this is for you." kinda thing.

I know it's not easy. I have had my share of deaths too. It gonna take time and a lot of tears. Tears, for some reason, we don't seem willing to shed. One of my brothers died 12 years ago and I am just now able to smile when I think of him and his antics. Before, even the good memories were too sad and made me cry.

Keep posting. It will help a little.

feeling killed inside is a killing in a way ((Pain))) we are stuck here in this place where people do things that harm others and death is one of the factors for us all to face... senseless killing of others is huge for us to deal with.. i remember as a child coming to terms with the idea and didnt like it one bit

i have learned that every breathe, every moment is precious.. my death to life experience as a teen still returns and the memory becomes clearer each time..

i know other have experienced this going/returning and it is a real eye opener if we live long enough to appreciate..

let the sadnesses drift away from you.. Oranges ideas are great...

fill your lungs with fresh clean air and take in life and love and let beauty be your partner in all that you seek and do.. the path will pull you forward...

friends and loved ones matter, every one of them and they are still with you to guide you and advise you

That sounds like a good idea.. I will have to try that some day soon.. I have tried writing letters, poems and such.. One including a song for one of my closest friends that died.. It's helped a little, each page tear stained of course

I don't know how I'll ever be able to live with the knowledge that I didn't go to their funerals, with the knowledge that I didn't even know them all as well as I wanted to.. With the knowledge that I'll never know the one person I should know and who is now dead.. My Dad..

I'm not nagry with him, no, I'll never be angry with him.. I just feel such sadness inside, and such emptiness knowing that I have nothing to remember him by, my sister has all the pictures of him and she's probably burned them by now and that I'll never know him at all, that I'll never properly know anyone of those people that died, apart from my Foster Dad.. the most wonderful Man I've ever known

I do, every day think how lucky I am to be breathing every breath that I take, but each breath that I do take is filled with such a heavy weight, of sorrow, pain, despair, anger, frustration.. I feel like there must have been something I could have done.. i blame myself for each and every death

The stars are the only things that keep me going.. All because of something my Foster Dad said that I'll always remember and treasure in my heart.. I wish he was here