[Lexicon78]

Last night me an my bf were trying to have sex...we did once earlier in the evening but later we tried again and I just couldn't get turned on...things were not working at all. It seems like when I want to have sex I dry up like the Sahara. I know this is kinda embarrassing but it really worries me. Any advice would be appreciated as to what I should do.

[sqrlb8]

Hi Lex. Brave question, but all of us must struggle with it in one way or another since intimacy like all our experssions are so easily compromised by one disorder or another.

Sounds like you have a partner who must be aware of how things are for you, and that's a good starting place. You are going to have to be patient with yourself as it just isn't likely to go the same way each time. When I'm in the dysfunction zone, I try to really focus on the "giving" side of the equation. Sometimes, a few minutes of that can restore my absent libido, and things pick right up.

The other thing I'm thinking is that you could bring a certain degree of ritual to the lovemaking. I saw in your bio that you are wiccan oriented. Well, you know then how doing a ceremony or ritual the same way each time brings you to a (pick a term here) vibrational awareness, focus, clarity, even if you have other distractions in the background, that sameness of ceremony eventually serves to train your inner spaces to attune to your intent. Lighting candles and incense for example, enhance mood for one thing, but if done with intent can help bring you to the present.

I hope you can hear that i'm only sincerely trying to respond to your courageous question. I would feel terrible to cause offense at such a moment.

Keep trying.

[Peanuts]

I also struggle with becoming extremely dry - even if I'm aroused. Sometimes a lubricant like astroglide helps. But even that drys eventually. I'm not sure what causes this and have seen two different doctors who seem perplexed. I have an appointment with another GYN next week and hope to get some answers and suggestions myself. I also will get very red and swollen - very uncomfortable and painful even to sit down. And yet, there is no infection. At least none that has showed up on any tests done so far. I am lucky to have a warm and understanding husband who is patient and understanding. Maybe you could talk with your partner and explain how it is for you and that the two of you may need to get creative in how you are intimate with each other. Good luck.

[colors]

Noticed your post and found it interesting. From what I know about the topic, it can be from any of a number of reasons.

You could try condoms with extra lubrication, which might help. Another thing to try .... (may sound silly but it works) is spicy foods. Salsa and hot peppers are two types of food that act as natural lubricants when eaten a couple of hours before sexual intercourse.

One thing that I have experienced - is my female cycle. I have noticed that dryness seems to be a problem about three days before my date.

Every woman is different. It may even be some chemical you use regularly.

Hope this all helps. If not it was worth trying for sure.

Colors

[richard]

I suffer from erectile dysfunction and was prescribed Viagra which does work, however the other night I took the 1/2 tablet that my Dr. suggested but it didnt seem to work as well. I had taken extra in the past because the 1/2 dose didnt work as well but i thought i would try again. Also, I had a few glasses of sherry which i think hurt. So I have 2 questions. Does alcohol affect the potency of Viagra? and Can I please get some input from the womans poit of view so I can understand more?
Thanks in advance
Richard

[richard]

P.S. I do not drink as rule. this was the first time i had any alcohol in over a year

Well, as a woman, I don't know a thing about Viagra. But I DO know that both men and women are affected by alcohol in it's impact on orgasm. So if you want one, I'd suggest not drinking before sex. If the Viagra dosage is not working for you, please talk to your doctor.

What sorta of input did you want from the women on this forum Richard?? I'm not sure I answered that part of your question. Take care.

Emmy

[richard]

Hi Emmy and thanks
I'm looking for feedback on how you might feel if your partner had this condition and at times didnt function as well as expected.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psychcentral richard! You've come to a good place in your life!

[obsids]

Richard,

Ack... of course by responding to this, I am putting myself in a position of potential embarassment...

I know that alcohol can affect a man's ability to achieve an adequate erection. I would recommend skipping the alcohol.

As for your other question, this is performance anxiety that you are wondering? I think it really depends on your partner and how much trust is in the relationship. Viagra and Levitra certainly add a dimension to sexual intimacy, allowing for more creativity and definitely more confidence for the man. But think for a moment about what the core of your relationship is. I don't see intercourse as being a necessity to intimacy. There are many other ways to experience physical intimacy. At the risk of offending others, I shall not go into details. But if your partner truly loves you and trusts you, I think that you will discover your own intimate likes and dislikes.

I know there are some women who just want to get pounded like an animal... but honestly, I have always preferred a gentle touch, exploration... finding a way to pleasure my partner. You don't need viagra for that.

My DH takes the viagra or levitra occasionally when we have a long evening and a lot of energy. But our intimacy does not require viagra... it just enhances it, adds spice, so to say. I have never had a problem with his difficulties because I love him for who he is. We kind of see it as a 'treat'... like dining out at a nice restaurant. Not better... just different.

Also, I might add that I was surprised by his difficulties when we first became intimate. I had not encountered that issue in previous relationships. I know that performance anxiety from his previous marriage was an issue. I can't say it didn't bother me at first, but I learned ways to bring him satisfaction and confidence because I loved him. On the nights he had difficulties, I shifted the focus away from his 'performance.' I think the worst thing about pop culture and tv/movies, etc, is that they have you believe that the man has to perform. Sex isn't about performing... it's about giving your partner pleasure. When you place expectations on something, too often you will be disappointed. If your woman really loves you for who you are, I think you will find common ground together.

Does this make any sense or help you understand a little better?

Obsidian

[kimmydawn]

richard,

the only times that my husband has ever had problems maintaining has been when he's drank...not a good choice before sex.

the other time was when he had a prostate infection. when the infection was gone, he was fine. he had SO much more of a problem with this than i did and he's the one with the lower sex drive. i don't think a mature, involved woman has NEARLY the problems with this situation that most men think. every woman i have ever talked to about this has been kind and understanding, and believe me some of these woman like to "dog" their man about anything else, but won't about this.

this is one area that i'm so glad that i'm a woman. i can't imagine the performance anxiety a man must feel, so i can only imagine what the feelings must be when there are problems.

just my input on it.

kd

[richard]

Thanks to all who responded and thanks for the welcome.
I don't consider my Partner shallow but the times we were successful, it was more than just a sexual experience. I guess that is what bothers her most of all. I think and hope we'll work through this.
I would welcome more viewpoints
Thanks Obsidian and Kd and again emmy