[cantstopcrying]

Sweetheart, please get yourself to a doctor now. Stop worrying what they might say or might think or might do. Your body is calling out for help. Please listen to it. I don't have to tell you, but I will, that what you did to yourself last night was abuse yourself. I know it's the only way you know how to cope. What would be the repercussions if you took a semester off school? You need need need to get into a therapist who will help you, you need need need to get your health back. Your dreams of being on stage will come to naught if you aren't around to make them happen.

[silver_queen]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

The bleeding's come back with a vengeance, it's pouring out, literally and it's more like period blood now, it's that much.

I think you need to go to some kind of urgent care centre, today!

[ThePainNeverDies]

I will, I will!! I'll go as soon as I can.

I'm nearly at the end of my course, i have until May to get all the work and such done, it's fine. I'll make it. I'll make myself make it. Then I'll have.. 4 months to look for a decent Therapist, then I'll be back at college doing a course in veterinary nursing, that'll help my mental health hugely. I know much more about animals than I do music. So, I don't want to quit the course, it'd make me feel useless.

I may as well stick all this out and just wait for it to be over, and in the meantime search for a real, proper T. It wasn't last night that I hit myself and such, it was this morning/this afternoon. Connor was there when I did it. He stood up and tried to grab my wrists, I got scared, thinking he was going to hurt me, so pushed him away he wasn't going to hurt me, but I just.. Felt way tooo vulnerable in such a state, with his tall body looming over mine.

I'm worrying about that now though, because he's thinking it's break up or the arguments could get worse and we could end up hurting each other . But, I'm just trying so hard to get the help and support I need and no-one's helping at the moment.

[cantstopcrying]

[ThePainNeverDies]

Feel sick. Really, really sick. I just know when I go back to my room I'm just going to break down again.. And there's no-one to talk to about it. I can't trust anyone taht lives in this place, they all spread stuff and I just.. I can't deal with it all on my own.. Sky's there, but I just.. I don't know.. It's just more dumping and she'll be shocked if I cry on the phone to her and stuff.

I don't know.. I'm just slipping down again If Connor leaves me, what will i have left? I need him

[cantstopcrying]

K--you will have YOU. No matter what, you will always have you. I know you don't feel like it, but you are a stand-alone whole person. Trust me, I know the heartbreak of having no one, but I also am learning to know the comfort of having myself. Also, listen to the words you're saying, "what if". You are using precious energy and creating bad thoughts for yourself by worrying about this. Spend that energy thinking of how to talk to him, how to remain calm. These may not be techniques you know, but you can learn. The more you think about "what if" the more it will eat at you and create a big sour spot. Maybe write down why you think he will leave you, then discuss that with him. You know you are more likely to SI if you are alone and this upset, so please try some calming techniques. Remember that we are here with you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. That's all I can say right now. We have spoken to each other and I've said that I'm going to try and see Benjamin, Connor's old English teacher, my old counsellor. He was quite helpful and I think if I have more time with him, I'll be able to move on a bit more. He works in whatever way i wish, even with music and art and such. So, I'm going to give him a try again. I will have to get hold of him somehow and speak to him about it.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to afford both going and seeing him, and seeing someone from SWEDA. :S It's all awkward and expensive.

Gah! My stomach's really playing up and I'm in pain It's really not helping my mood right now.

i do know those techniques, just need to put them into practise more often. I'm trying not to be alone. I know I isolate myself a lot, but I'm trying, really I am. You believe me, right? God, I've got college tomorrow. I'm a bit scared to be honest. I'm going to try and get some more research and some essay writing done in my hour off 2nd lesson, then more at lunch time. I need to get Luke's essay done. Then Heather's is just easy. Let's just hope my stomach is kind to me tomorrow

I'm in sooo much pain!!! Just want it all to go away.

[cantstopcrying]

You have nothing to apologize for. I think it would be a good idea if you can get in to see Benjamin. I know you are trying not to isolate--it's vey hard when all you want is curl up and be alone, while at the same you want to be held.

It would be good to practice those techniques as often as you can, even if you're in the midst of a full blown got-your-anger-on. I know you try, I hear it in the words you say.

Why are you doing Luke's essay? And Heather's? Please please please don't say that you are taking on other's work when you can barely keep your head above water,

[ThePainNeverDies]

No, no I mean the lecturers are Luke and Heather. Sorry. it's something we say between us in the class "Have you don Luke's essay yet?" etc. Luke and heather are my lecturers. i wouldn't even bother taking on anyone elses work! Pff! Fat chance!

I'll practice them as often as I can. i get to see my hypnotherapist on Wednesday, so we'll talk through these things. I trust her. I could cry in front of her if I needed to. So, I'm looking forward to that. At least 45 minutes in my favourite, dreamy place Mmmm what heaven! teehee

Uhh. Apart from taht I'm trying, as usual

[cantstopcrying]

Oh thank goodness....I was going to jump on a plane and come over there!!! Keep practicing and remember you aren't alone!

[lizardlady]

Hon, if you have blood coming out of your rectum like it's menstrual (sp?) blood you need to see a doctor ASAP. Forget about paperks, class assignments or fights with your boyfriend. You need to go to urgent care, a walk-in client or the ER. Please don't muck about with this. You need to have the problem checked out.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I'lll go tonight. See what happens. See what they say about it. I'll be gutted if I have to have time off college for it though stupid, stupid body of mine, just doesn't know when to stop giving me hassle does it?

So.. Yeah.. I'll go after college and see what they say about it. I'm tired. Didn't sleep well last night *yawns* so feeling quite weak today. Don't feel like eating, so haven't bothered packing any lunch for college.

Just want to curl up in a ball and sleep the days away.

[KUREHA]

Hi,

It's good that you're going to the doctors about this

Sometimes it can be nothing because the skin can tear quite easily, but then again it has been a while. I just wanted to say something that might help you feel a bit better about it

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thankyou. It's much appreciated. I'm panicking my arse off about it, but I have.. 5 hours of college before I go anywhere, so I have plenty of time to prepare myself. I think.
*gulps*

I'm scared!

[KUREHA]

Well I hope it goes ok
I'm sure it will

Take Care

[silver_queen]

Good luck with the dr appt, pain.

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thankyou.
Feel like crying right now. I'm all confused and upset

[free2beme]

((((((((( pain ))))))))))))

i'm so glad that you are going to get checked.

[Sannah]

Did you go? What did you find out?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I had a salsa dancing class and had to help cook a chilli con carne for everyone. I'm making sure I go tomorrow. I just so wanted to do this salsa class because it's another thing to add to my CV and will help me further my career as a singer, being more able to dance than I already am..

I promise I'll go tomorrow.. When I get the inkling of a chance. I'm gonna be so, so busy.. Seeing hypnotherapist at 11.30, Jason at 2, Abi at 3, then Alec (the horrible T) at 4.30. Don't want to go to see Alec. not one bit. But I have to have this one last meeting with him, then I'll finish it.

Thanks for being here everyone, you've been really helpful

[Blue93]

You're making up excuses tpnd... just go!
I know its hard but you really just need to go... no more making up excuses 'why you will go tomorrow'.. ok?

Blue

[silver_queen]

pain .... to see a doctor you need an appointment, you know this. Either you didn't have an appointment booked for today, or you missed it. Even if it is something really simple, the doctors are going to think you are very stupid for not being seen earlier. All you are doing by delaying is making something worse that could be very simple to mend. I delayed over an abscess that could have been fixed in the dr's surgery and because I delayed so long, it involved a night in hospital for an operation under general anaesthetic, and a scar which still causes me pain, though it's over a year later now. Just get the appointment booked and find out what it is. If you're worried about privacy, don't be, the doctor won't think anything of it. And he will probably ask if you want a chaperone anyway, though for that use she will be

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, i know. I keep making up excuses. I will let you know how it goes. Promise.
I didn't make a dr's appointment because I had college and today's my day off, so I'll make sure they can fit me in today. If not, I'll make myself go to the hospital. Promise.

[pegasus]

Well this has been going on now for over a week, we are all very concerned for you. Your health is very important. Please get yourself checked out as soon as possible.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, sorry I've had so much else on. I'm taking control now, I promise..