Getting through the day

As far as dealing with my kids goes, I can honestly say that I've improved because I'm not yelling at them but I'm definitely still kind of 'disconnected' because that's how I respond when I feel overwhelmed. And I feel overwhelmed with my kids all the time. (They're 3 and 2) I guess what I'm saying is I want to be emotionally available for them (my mom was totally emotionally disconnected from me growing up and she was depressed too) but how do I even do that? I guess this just reveals just how emotionally constipated I am, but how do you encourage connections with your children? How do I make myself emotionally available? I feel like I have no idea how to do it. Suggestions?
I give them hugs and physical affection by holding them sometimes, but it still feels like the 'emotion' part is missing. I wonder if I'll be an emotional cripple forever, or if I can learn whatever it is I don't know how to do.
Anyway, kudos to me for getting through the day without being a (very) mean mom, but here's to hoping things can get better.

I am getting ready to go to therapy today and plan on discussing my situation, which is similar. I'm glad that you are reaching out now, when your children are so young. Mine are 11, 11, 11 (triplets) and 16, and it has taken me many years to deal with the damage I must be doing to my children because I yell and lose control. I am a teacher and I'm wonderful at that, but the only emotions I feel with my children much of the time is anger and resentment.

Good luck and hang in there!

Hi Blondemom,
Just to follow up, I did discuss parenting skills today in therapy. I am working on regaining control and being firm. I also am trying to get the guilty feelings under control because I recently spent about a month in a major depressive state and gave my children only the attention necessary to maintain. I am always having to adjust meds to feel somewhat normal. Right now I am feeling "in control" with my current med combination and weekly therapy sessions.

How about you? After rereading your post it sounds like you are working very hard to hold it together right now. I think I know what you're feeling because I visit that emotional state pretty regularly and I still have not learned to visit the docs before I hit bottom. Try really had to gather up the energy to visit your doctor and get help. We owe it to ourselves to try to find happiness-I know it's hard, but there is help out there for you.

Keep us posted-

Bluemountains

I started taking medication again...I was off it and doing good for a long time. Whatever it is that makes me feel down has been triggered. (cloudy weather perhaps? There's probably more to it than that, but I'm sure it contributes) In any case the medication is helping a lot. I'm still working on the underlying 'disconnecting' issues. There seems to be more to that than just the depression. Learned behaviors from family life growing up, I'm thinking. But even there I think I'm making progress. My parents were pretty disconnected and not affectionate growing up, but when I see them I've started hugging them and they seem okay with that. Whether they like it or not is unclear--I think they like it on some level but altogether are uncomfortable with physical affection (it's amazing they had so many kids)--but I'm glad they seem to realize that it's important for me.

I guess the bottom line amidst all this rambling is that I'm having better days thanks to getting back on medication. I even got on the floor and played with my kids today! *Patting self on the back*

Thanks for the feedback...it's nice to know there are others who experience the same thing.

blondemom I am sure that the neglect you got from your mother is confusing your abiltiy to express love to your children. I think that part of you by being around children the age that you felt a need not met brings a reminder of personal doubt and sense of worth so probably unconsciously you had not learned how to express love comfortably with your children. It is important you get to the root of understanding why, hard to say but often we are what we know and it is very easy to continue a chain of emotional abandonment and not truely be aware of it. Give yourself credit for acknowledgeing you do want to connect but cannot seem to break from that pattern that you are continuing on an unconscious level.

Make sure you try to take time out to read to your children. You have to make tender moments happen and sitting close to them and reading, acting out the reading is one way to practice a closeness. I cannot say enough how that truely helped me develope special times with my daughter through story telling.

Keep trying,
Open Eyes

My son is just about to turn 2. It's such a hard age, it really is draining to deal with all the emotional outbursts and ups and downs. I wasn't really given physical affection as a child and I was ignored a lot. I try to just hold my son and be loving to him whenever he asks for it and I can give it. I try not to worry about how I'm feeling at the time, just try to do for him what I would want someone to do for me if I were upset. What I wanted as a kid.

I also try to spend special time with him just doing puzzles or reading books. He is so excited to have my full attention he doesn't seem to notice that I'm tired or bored. You can only do what you can, try not to be too hard on yourself.

I know this post is old, but I am glad I am not alone in the issue. My son is two weeks away from turning 3, and I have a lot of problems with him. He has stayed with my family for a few days, and he will be coming home this afternoon. So, although it is going to be INCREDIBLY hard for me...I'm going to try to be a better parent. I'll get the house good and clean before he comes so that I'm not cleaning (I am obsessive with the tidy home issue). I have deleted my facebook and I'm done buying stuff online, so that will keep me offline. I am going to try to be nicer and more patient. I'll make sure to take all my medicine before they arrive.

Life is hard.