[sdcg76]

My bouncing baby boy just turned 16 this past Nov. and I'm to the point now I'm ready to throw him under a bus!!! NOT that I am, just saying. I'm also so incredibly tired of ppl telling me its the "teenage" years, well thts hogwash to me because tht doesn't give him the right to be my daddy and tell me who I should/can date and call me names like dummy and everything else he feels like. Now he's saying "damn" and "hell" like nothing, and he says its ok because these words are in the bible?!?! I mean geez he may as well drop the F bomb As of the other night he told me he's cutting himself again because he life fell apart since we were middle class and now we're "lower" class. Told him he needs to seek therapy but doesn't want to do tht at all. I have tried to be the best mom I could but it's to the point now I cant wait for his 18th bday so I can have my freedom!!! I love him yes, but haven't liked him since he was 12. I was so distraught with him among other things this past July tht I was hospitilized for my depression and I swore I'd love myself to NEVER let tht happen again! I just don't know anymore...any other moms out there can relate?? Thx 4 listening.

[Caretaker Leo]

Yup. Know how you are feeling. I think most of us go through issues similar to yours.

Thoughts:
- ask the school if they can have a counselor talk with him.
- arrange for him to see a professional counselor.
- keep in mind that that he is a minor and you have the rights as a parent to seek and take him for help.

Look into finding a counselor or support group for yourself. More ideas and strength can come from listening and sharing with many people.

I only have sons and discovered that between the ages of 16 and 18 (and even into their 20's) it isn't easy to parent them. I was divorced and had to learn how be a PARENT who was willing to draw the line of what is ok and what is not. (As the pediatrician warned me many years ago - they will be bigger than you - so you need to learn how to carry a big stick). It isn't always easy, but I've learned that it is necessary!

My sons are now over the age of 20. They come for dinner every Sunday and I always let them know that they can bring guests. Very basic rules remain in place. Neither my spouse nor I will tolerate rudeness or bad language from anyone who attends. And guess what? My sons always take time to alert their friends about our rules ahead of time. No guest has refused to attend dinner...

[AAAAA]

I can definately relate. I love all of my children dearly, but it seems we have more issues now than we ever did while they were growing up. They are all wonderful human beings, but can be so thoughtless sometimes, they were not raised that way. I am sorry to the the bearer or bad news, but it has been my experience that as they get older it gets worse. (My daughter is livinging in a beautiful house in the worst part of the town she lives in. It was so inexpensive because it is the worst part of town. I cannot stand the woman my youngest son plans to marry. These are life changing issues).

Having said that, it sounds like he's been going through a lot of changes. It is difficult for a mature adult to deal with these changes, as a hormonal teen it is nearly impossible. Acting out is a way to ensure he gets your attention.

I would also offer this gentle reminder. You are his mother and it is highly unlikely that he will ever think anyone is good enough for you. But remember you are bringing these people into his life without and this is beyond his control, that is very frustrating for him. Also, any violently negative reaction by my children would give me pause. I'm a middle aged adult and I honestly believe I would take issue with my mother bringing a man I do not care for into my life.

Now I'm not saying that your teenage child should control your social life, but I would sit him down and explain that you're willing to listen to his opinions on the matter if he is willing to discuss them in a respectful fashion. Teach him communication. Good Luck!

Um, what are the rules here? Are we allowed to actually give honest feedback, or are we limited to being "supportive"?

I went and read your previous posts, and wow, it sounds like your son is pretty normal and struggling to cope with what has been going on in your life. If you're depressed, stopped taking your meds and quit therapy, my guess is that your behavior is not making him feel safe and/or loved at this point, particularly in light of what you are saying about not liking him since he was 12. Kids can pick up on that, I know I did.

Your son's behavior with other people that you mention in other posts tells me that he is fundamentally a good kid. Maybe it's time to take a look at whether you're treating him with the love, acceptance and respect that a kid deserves from his mother, instead of dwelling on how you don't like him. Maybe rethink your meds and therapy situation and take a good long hard look at who you're dating.

Sorry to be a hag about this, but you blaming your son for your depression and hospitalization is just unacceptable.

[lad007]

Having a teenager can be stressful but it is also a wonderful time to see your child grow into an adult. Have compassion for your child, try to sit in his shoes and see how his life is going. If you have gone from middle to lower class that can be hard for a kid, also if you are dating that may make him feel less important, unwanted.
I dated when my daughter was 15 and she had similar behavior problems, so I decided to wait until she was out of the house. So did I let her "run my life"?, you may say so but she was the child and it was my responsibility to care for her. After she moved out I dated and married, but not before.
You will need to set boundaries, and they will be pushed. It's like having a 2 year old again in many ways. Try to enjoy the wonderful moments until he is gone, but focus on him and how to transition to adulthood. You had the child and it is still your job to do that to the best of your abilities, including making him first until he is grown.
Best of luck.

[sdcg76]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Um, what are the rules here? Are we allowed to actually give honest feedback, or are we limited to being "supportive"?

I went and read your previous posts, and wow, it sounds like your son is pretty normal and struggling to cope with what has been going on in your life. If you're depressed, stopped taking your meds and quit therapy, my guess is that your behavior is not making him feel safe and/or loved at this point, particularly in light of what you are saying about not liking him since he was 12. Kids can pick up on that, I know I did.

Your son's behavior with other people that you mention in other posts tells me that he is fundamentally a good kid. Maybe it's time to take a look at whether you're treating him with the love, acceptance and respect that a kid deserves from his mother, instead of dwelling on how you don't like him. Maybe rethink your meds and therapy situation and take a good long hard look at who you're dating.

Sorry to be a hag about this, but you blaming your son for your depression and hospitalization is just unacceptable.

Sure he's a good kid since he has no juvi record, hasn't knocked a girl up and isn't a druggie, however that still doesn't give him the right to disrespect me. And as far as my depression goes I NEVER said tht he was exclusively the main cause of it,as I NEVER would do tht. I have always loved my son and treated him with love, acceptance and respect, but I won't apologize to know one how I feel about this sitiation as every yr he gets worse. And as for dating, I just started back up after being divorced for 3 yrs. I just turned 36 on Monday and I'm not dead yet Thx 4 ur reply.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm sorry you feel you are in such a tough situation, raising a child is never an easy task, especially when that child becomes a teen. What I always recommend and ask other parents to do is try really hard to think back when you were a teen. Be honest with yourself. It's natural with all of the hormones for a child to act out in teen years. Swearing and saying hell and damn really aren't the worst things a 16 year old can do. The fact that he is cutting himself means he is punishing himself, he is down and feeling really bad about himself right now. As a parent, that's when it's our job to step in and get them help. He's only 16, you can and should make him see a therapist, perhaps even family councelling to learn to handle his outbursts and for him to learn to accept you having other relationships.

He's 16, he thinks he's a man so he's going to step in line being the man of the house and try to keep a "close eye" on you to keep you "safe" from any man that could harm you. Being a teenager, any man that approaches you is going to harm you so he doesn't want you dating. It's actually very common for teenagers to be like this. It's also common for them to swear and yell.

What seems like needs to be done is you need to reestablish your authority over that home by sending him to therapy, he doesn't want to go? Good he can involuntarily go to the psych ward than to get the help, but he really needs help. One day his cutting may go beyond just superficial scars and it would be the end of him, I don't think you want that.

You also need to work on your patience and understanding with him. I know it's easy to throw the teen card out when they are acting up but it really is often the case. Remember when you were a teen? All of the confusing mixed hormones you were going through? Everyone goes through that.

Your children make mistakes as you have in your past and will continue to do throughout the future, we are not defined by our mistakes but are defined by what we learn from those mistakes. Take this time, these old wounds and mend them. Learn from the mistakes of yourself and your son. It is up to the parent to fix things, he is still (although at 16 it gets harder to see) only a child. It is up to the parent to recognize and fix the problem. Your son and yourself have a gap in the relationship, a gap that needs to be filled. It's up to you to seek help for this. He wont do it, he thinks he knows everything. But you know what is needed so it's up to you to do it.

Teen years are hard, but remember they are hard for him too!

I hope you find what you need to build a better relationship with your son.

[sdcg76]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I'm sorry you feel you are in such a tough situation, raising a child is never an easy task, especially when that child becomes a teen. What I always recommend and ask other parents to do is try really hard to think back when you were a teen. Be honest with yourself. It's natural with all of the hormones for a child to act out in teen years. Swearing and saying hell and damn really aren't the worst things a 16 year old can do. The fact that he is cutting himself means he is punishing himself, he is down and feeling really bad about himself right now. As a parent, that's when it's our job to step in and get them help. He's only 16, you can and should make him see a therapist, perhaps even family councelling to learn to handle his outbursts and for him to learn to accept you having other relationships.

He's 16, he thinks he's a man so he's going to step in line being the man of the house and try to keep a "close eye" on you to keep you "safe" from any man that could harm you. Being a teenager, any man that approaches you is going to harm you so he doesn't want you dating. It's actually very common for teenagers to be like this. It's also common for them to swear and yell.

What seems like needs to be done is you need to reestablish your authority over that home by sending him to therapy, he doesn't want to go? Good he can involuntarily go to the psych ward than to get the help, but he really needs help. One day his cutting may go beyond just superficial scars and it would be the end of him, I don't think you want that.

You also need to work on your patience and understanding with him. I know it's easy to throw the teen card out when they are acting up but it really is often the case. Remember when you were a teen? All of the confusing mixed hormones you were going through? Everyone goes through that.

Your children make mistakes as you have in your past and will continue to do throughout the future, we are not defined by our mistakes but are defined by what we learn from those mistakes. Take this time, these old wounds and mend them. Learn from the mistakes of yourself and your son. It is up to the parent to fix things, he is still (although at 16 it gets harder to see) only a child. It is up to the parent to recognize and fix the problem. Your son and yourself have a gap in the relationship, a gap that needs to be filled. It's up to you to seek help for this. He wont do it, he thinks he knows everything. But you know what is needed so it's up to you to do it.

Teen years are hard, but remember they are hard for him too!

I hope you find what you need to build a better relationship with your son.

Thank you for your reply. I and my sister were just talking about therapy for him and she mentioned since he won't go freely to talk to my therapist about getting it court ordered, as I know tht will be the only way he'll go. So hopefully this will happen ASAP.

sdcg, I am sorry if my post sounded gruff, but this is the part of your post I was really talking about: "haven't liked him since he was 12. I was so distraught with him among other things this past July tht I was hospitilized for my depression"

Here's my point, and I'll see if I can make it more gently. Children can FEEL when you don't like them. Trust me on this. I have LIVED IT.

Your reply said this: "I have always loved my son and treated him with love, acceptance and respect, but I won't apologize to know one how I feel about this sitiation as every yr he gets worse." And you'd stated he doesn't have the right to treat you disrespectfully. I get that. Really I do. BUT, and this is a huge BUT, you are the mom and have to react to his disrespect with love. I know that is hard and sounds weird. I know you're saying that you treat him with love and respect, but the treatment of your son that you talk about in your posts is not loving or respectful.

My son's behavior was truly horrible as he was growing up. He was oxygen deprived at birth and had some HUGE behavior issues. This is a kid that would scream and bite and flail around, and say horrible things to me. I refused to ever think he was anything other than a GOOD kid who was just extremely sensitive to his environment and his feelings. I cannot tell you how many times he has said he hates me over the years. EVERY time, my response was "that's okay, I love you enough for the both of us." We emphasized how much we love and adore him, but didn't like his behavior. We always tried to teach and model self control and to help him learn techniques to control himself.

He told me recently how much he hated, and yet at the same LOVED hearing me say that I loved him enough for the both of us. He loved the safety of knowing that no matter what he did or said, I loved him, and I was there to help him contain his emotions and help him get control when he felt like he had none.

So many people told me I was doing the wrong thing with my son. That he was spoiled and disrespectful. We just kept plugging away with the self control thing. Now, he's trying to decide which scholarship offer he's going to accept -- and whether he wants to accept Stanford or Berkley's offers or go with the Ivy leagues. He has lots of friends. His teachers love him and he has a great girl friend.

And money sucks for us. We're poorer than all his friends. But my son feels SECURE in how much I love him and how important he is to me. He knows that even now when he gets overwhelmed, every once in a great while, I am there, I am safe and I will help him, not condemn him. Sometimes he curses. I help him identify the emotion that is causing the issue and address that, while asking him to change his behavior. Like, "I know you're frightened and lets talk about that, but please don't curse." And it works.

The dating thing sounds like it is coming from a place of fear and caring by your son. I'm not saying you shouldn't date. I'm saying be careful of who you bring in your son's life. He feels unsafe and out of control already. Adding another man into the mix, particularly if your son thinks the man seems unsafe for you, is just overwhelming.

I hope I expressed my thoughts better this time. Sorry to write such a book.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I hope it works for both you and him. It doesn't matter whose "fault" it is, all that matters is that you build a strong and secure relationship with your son and you show eachother respect and kindness. It wont happen over night but what's a year or so of hard work if it will pay off for the rest of his time?

Originally Posted by sdcg76

My bouncing baby boy just turned 16 this past Nov. and I'm to the point now I'm ready to throw him under a bus!!! NOT that I am, just saying. I'm also so incredibly tired of ppl telling me its the "teenage" years, well thts hogwash to me because tht doesn't give him the right to be my daddy and tell me who I should/can date and call me names like dummy and everything else he feels like. Now he's saying "damn" and "hell" like nothing, and he says its ok because these words are in the bible?!?! I mean geez he may as well drop the F bomb As of the other night he told me he's cutting himself again because he life fell apart since we were middle class and now we're "lower" class. Told him he needs to seek therapy but doesn't want to do tht at all. I have tried to be the best mom I could but it's to the point now I cant wait for his 18th bday so I can have my freedom!!! I love him yes, but haven't liked him since he was 12. I was so distraught with him among other things this past July tht I was hospitilized for my depression and I swore I'd love myself to NEVER let tht happen again! I just don't know anymore...any other moms out there can relate?? Thx 4 listening.

You say that your son is cutting himself? That is a big issue have you asked him why? I know you said because of lower class but maybe it goes deeper than that? I have a 16 year old son too and believe me it could well be the "teenage years".

I have 4 teenagers and sometimes they can be a nightmare, I do think that you're being a little hard on him. Please sit down and talk to him.

[AAAAA]

I forgot to mention one thing. I ALWAYS make sure that I tell my children that I love them, but I do not like a particular behavior. It is so important that you make that clear.

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I forgot to mention one thing. I ALWAYS make sure that I tell my children that I love them, but I do not like a particular behavior. It is so important that you make that clear.

Yes I agree with this, I do this too so important.

[Ardmore]

Originally Posted by sdcg76

My bouncing baby boy just turned 16 this past Nov. and I'm to the point now I'm ready to throw him under a bus!!! NOT that I am, just saying. I'm also so incredibly tired of ppl telling me its the "teenage" years, well thts hogwash to me because tht doesn't give him the right to be my daddy and tell me who I should/can date and call me names like dummy and everything else he feels like. Now he's saying "damn" and "hell" like nothing, and he says its ok because these words are in the bible?!?! I mean geez he may as well drop the F bomb As of the other night he told me he's cutting himself again because he life fell apart since we were middle class and now we're "lower" class. Told him he needs to seek therapy but doesn't want to do tht at all. I have tried to be the best mom I could but it's to the point now I cant wait for his 18th bday so I can have my freedom!!! I love him yes, but haven't liked him since he was 12. I was so distraught with him among other things this past July tht I was hospitilized for my depression and I swore I'd love myself to NEVER let tht happen again! I just don't know anymore...any other moms out there can relate?? Thx 4 listening.

My mother was thinking the way you are now and look how badly she messed up my childhood.
If you're going to think of your own flesh and blood like that then you shouldn't have children.

[Trippin2.0]

Your son sounds like an angel compared to what myself and 2 of my siblings put my parents thru during our teenage yrs. Then again, maybe you're not going into enough detail to articulate the distress, idk.

If you know you have MH problems, you need to stay pro-active. Not wait for the sh,t to hit the fan and partially blame your son for being hospitilized. That's not very responsible.

Please think about the damage you're potentially causing him with your negativity. At his age I would've thrown MYSELF under a bus if my mom didn't like me, didn't listen when I had something important to say, and couldn't wait to get rid of me. Ouch, ya know??

It's so easy to play the victim when life gets tough, don't fall into that trap. Take responsibility for yourself AND your CHILD, yes he's still a child. You don't like how he speaks to you? Be the parent in the scenario and change that. And imo, 'hell' and 'damn' is the least of your problems.

You have a child that is in danger of grievious bodily harm, address that.
Maybe you 2 need to go to therapy to learn how to re-connect, and treat EACHOTHER right...
I apologise if I come across as harsh, but seriously? Parents have no idea how they fk up their own kids, and I don't want that for your son.

[Caretaker Leo]

sdcg76 - I notice that some of the responses here seem less than supportive...

Each person here in PC comes from different backgrounds and experiences and those will color our responses.

I can sense that you are not trying to mess up your son's life and you are trying to find ways to help him and yourself. When we suffer from our own demons, it is very common to try to assign the blame elsewhere and it isn't unusual to have thoughts of wanting to throw someone else under a bus just to make the pain stop.

Very, very honestly, I wanted to throw my first-born down the stairs during his first month of life. Awful, isn't it? And I have continued to have thoughts similar to that over many years as his MH issues and mine created a lot of chaos in life.

Hang in there and keep searching for answers and help. The journey may be long and hard, but there is always HOPE.

Caretaker Leo, I don't see hope in this situation until she sees and addresses the actual issue. Several people have tried to say it nicely, but to no avail. As long as she's just blaming things on her son, and not addressing her own issues and responsibility for the situation, the situation never improves.