Just count to 10

You know you have children, you raise them and then they turn into adults.

I have to count to ten and compose myself before my husband comes home. This child is already on her father's **** list.

Maybe I should stop being the peacemaker and let them hash it out.

How old is the child? Is your husband able to discuss things with the child in a relatively peaceful way? You must have some concern, I would think, or else you wouldn't be intervening.....

Well she's not a child, she's 24 . It's a difficult transition. She can sometimes be... selfish. She's kind and generous with her friends, but has been taking her family for granted lately and it is difficult to swallow.

My middle son moved got an apartment with her this year to help her while she's in grad school. He cooks, cleans, and does so much for her. It has really been good to see them connect as adults and leave the sibling rivalry in the past.

A few weeks ago she got two kittens from the shelter. Both she and her brother are allergic to cats. Not as bad as their father, they will get used of the dander but it is a miserable transition. My son had no idea she planned on bringing them home. In any event he's sick. When she text me tonight I asked her to set up the vaporizer with the vapo steam in his room for him so when he gets home from work, he just has to pop an allergy pill, turn on the vaporizer and go to sleep. And hopefully feel better tomorrow. (He has done these things for her already, plus made her homemade chicken noodle soup. But she hates to cook.) It turned into an issue because she had to go down the street to get him the allergy meds. Stating he's an adult, he can get his own medicine.

We are very disappointed with her behavior lately. I'm glad that she's grown into a strong independent woman. But we did not raise her to be this selfish. When she was sick, our son took care of her without even being asked.

Plus, as I pointed out to her, she brought the cats home even though she knew her brother would not like it. They were sick of course, and he's the one that has been giving them their meds etc. (She is a full time grad student, with an internship and a full time job, part-time job and volunteer work in her field).

She's going to drive me to drink I swear! I was talking to the son that lives with her about a family issue that came up with my mother. She went off on me! I do not know what has happened to her. I did not raise her this way and I do not like it. I do not know where this attitude has come from!

My concern is that my daughter can sometimes be thoughtless. My fault entirely, I was raised in an oppressive household and did not want my children raised that way. Somehow we went from voicing your opinions with respect to this current behavior. And she can take something out of context these days and hold a grudge. My husband's feelings are valid, but I'd rather keep the peace than let them go at it and hurt one another's feelings.

She made a comment two years ago to my husband that cut him to the bone. It is still raw, so when she does stuff like this he has a very short fuse. I've tried to explain to her why he's so hurt, but I think by trying to save her feelings (because if she realized, she would feel horrible) I minimized how much she hurt him.

My question would be, comparing it to my situation with my own mother, is there room in your family for her to be competent? It almost looks like she is trying to be an overachiever. Yet she doesn't even cook or really know how to care for someone else. I can kind of relate to that - my efforts to do those things in the house were usually made fun of or undermined in some way. I finally apologized just this week for an awful remark I made to my t many years ago and oh yes he remembered it. But it took me this long to see it was an echo of something my mother had said to me many times. You know, my mother ca n really cook, and usually that is something italian mothers teach their daughters - but not in my case. it was too wrapped up in her own identity, she couldn't pass it on without losing herself.

She is not only competent, she is extraordinary. She cannot cook because she has no patience or interest in it. Literally if it takes longer than 30 seconds to reheat she'll eat it cold. She has never shown an interest in cooking, and I was not about to force her. Truth be told I think its because she's afraid of failure. Most things come very easy for her, and for some reason this does not so she avoids it. When we're cooking as a family, she will sit there and join into the conversation.

She can care for others and does for her friends, she just chooses not to for her family members. I have no doubt if it came down to it she could and would if it were something serious.

We all feel taken for granted. On the one hand it gives me a great deal of pleasure to know that she knows that we are here for her for anything big or small.

I am happy that she is secure enough in herself to state her opinions even if they oppose my own. Which is one of the reasons that I rationalize these comments she makes without thinking of what she's saying. She is everything I ever wanted in a daughter, but I do not like this new attitude. She was raised in a loving home, allowed to fully speak her mind and voice her opinions openly, but we deserve the same respect that we that we show to her.

Can I jump in here? I've told my children that all I ask is respect. I expect nothing more, and I'll ACCEPT nothing less. They have remembered this, and I've never been dis-respected by them. My son is 43 and my daughter is 37. They both speak their minds too, to a certain extent -- to the point where it will NOT hurt anyone's feelings.

I think I'd talk to my daughter if she was saying things that hurt you or your husband. Being disrespectful is just not acceptable. Just because you're her parents doesn't give her the right to walk all over you. You deserve respect as much as anyone else! And I wouldn't be afraid to tell her!!!

Just my opinion. But I think she needs a talking to. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I agree with you Lee. I did call her on it immediately when she jumped on me on facebook. She immediately apologized. We do need to address the comment she made to her father a few years ago, but I'm not sure that I'm the one to do it. I have gently skirted the issue, but I do not think she knows how greatly she hurt her father's feelings. That wasn't really a respect issue, more of a taking everything we've done to make her life as easy as possible for granted issue.

This is a new thing to us. I would have thought if she was going to go through this rebellion stage it would have been in her teens instead of her mid 20s