Bad mom-emotionally disconnected

I am battling depression and my kids are suffering from it. I never wanted kids, ask anyone who knows me, but my husband did. I adored them as babies but when they hit 3 1/2 -4 yrs old everything changed. I dont like little kids, you would think them being yours it would be different but its not. Their Whining, crying , fighting, drives me nuts and I work full time. It breaks my heart that I am not that nuturing mother for them and I have a hard time showing them any emotion. I know what you are thinking " what a cold heart *****". I know and I am stuck on how to even try to change. I would rather work 24/7 just so I dont have to deal with it. Any advice? Anyone feel the same or am I just messed up? Please dont posted anything thats not helpful. I know what you are thinking cause I feel the same way.

I really hated that age too but if you can pretend let you being nurturing loving mom then when they become a preteen their much easier to stand. also because you know you have this issue you generally a lot better parent because you have to work harder at it. We generally very negative towards behavior that we find unacceptable like crying, but we are very warm to him when he comes to us and talks about his issues. you're not a cold hearted b****. you just don't like kids, and unfortunate everyone says that your own kids are different but thats not the case. I find it more difficult for my kid then others because I can get the kids back to their parents. Generally I would just be you would like that parents are coming home any moment and you're just babysitting them. Try be the best babysitter in the world, make sure that in as many extracurricular activities as possible, and that they go to bed on time so that you can have adult time and unwind. I think everyone has ages that they like and they do not like unfortunately we have to go through all the ages. Try not to be too hard on yourself and if you have a therapist you should probably talk to him and her about it. It took me a good eight years to get over the way that my son left my body and not be angry at him for it but there's no way for him to tell or anyone outside looking in.

The fact that you are even concerned about this shows that you really are a good mom. Some parents just don't "feel it" but that in itself does not make them bad parents. Miguel'sMom has some good advice.

p.s. Sometimes kids can just be a handful too, and many parents, at one time or another, feel they would rather be someplace else. I don't feel that you are messed up. You do not sound like a terrible mother to me.

I say all the time that I never, ever should have had kids. Ever. 1) At 46, I still don't even know who I am. Thanks BPD. 2) I am far too selfish. 3) Barely, if at all felt the bonding that -should- take place. 4) Can't afford it. 5)Just... no.

I ask myself how different my life would have been had I just never, ever made those particular choices. Why I did and the circumstances of a teenage pregnancy will definitely be things to bring up with the new therapist, I'm sure. But if I had it to do over again?

No. Way.

I often feel the same way.

SJW
I totally u deerstand what you're saying! I can totally get where you're coming from. I sometimes asked myself how much damage in my doing my own kids. What a horrible parent I am. I can say is that we are trying. We know that we have problems and that were trying to work on them. I think that does help I can understand being totally off the grid way comes to parenting. There's so many things in ur thread that I can understand. For me it makes me very SU. And the whole guilt that goes with that it's just horrible feeling.
I don't have any advice for you but I can say that I admire you posting about it. there are other people like me out there that feel the way that you do and you're not alone.

I understand how you feel. I feel like a bad parent the majority of the time. I used to try harder when my child was younger but it always lead to struggles and disappointments for both of us. He's difficult and I guess so am I.
I always thought I'd be a great mom but I've just accepted how things turned out for the most part and try not to beat myself up too much. You are probably being hard on yourself too. You are not cold hearted or you wouldn't feel or care enough to recognize your thoughts and feelings.

I feel you may be closer to normal, that many in society would brave to admit.

Whining, crying, fighting, messy chaos, kids add another stress level, in an of themselves.

I don't quite, relate to having never wanted, however, I can relate to just wanting some 'breathing space', especially when I am exhausted, tired, going through a depression or anxiety phase.

My ex freaked on me, one mother's day. Because, I took time away from the kids. (I'd been struggling with the loss of my own mom...seriously, who says I must do things to others expectations, just because its 'mothers' day?...and how, exactly, does that make me a terrible person, again?)

You are a woman, as well as a mother. Give yourself, a pat on the back, for at least acknowledging that you feel a disconnect from the kids, at this point in your life. Knowing is half the battle.

Do you perceive, other's as being more engaging than yourself? How's your husband, on being supportive, when you 'need' your own space from motherhood?? Any other family members, pitch in and try to be supportive?

As others have said, I don't think you are alone in how you feel. Growing up, getting married, and having kids is so ingrained that sometimes not enough thought is given before making big life decisions. I have teenagers and still wonder what life would have been like had I not had kids. My husband and I made a decision to have them, but really, I would not say I was mature enough at the time to really think it through. I do love my children, but they can really take over your life.

My advice: Acknowledge your feelings, accept that you have not chosen to feel this way, and realize that there are many people who feel the same way. Perhaps if you sit down with a piece of paper and make a list of things that are driving you crazy about your kids, then, try to devise ways to make the things less annoying, it might be helpful. At the very least, it might make you feel like you are taking charge of the situation.

Ok some examples:

1. You can't stand it when they cry and whine. Solution--take a Mommie time out. My friend used to do this. As long as the kids weren't hurting each other, she would go to her room for some quiet. She would explain that if she didn't take a time out, she would start yelling and she needed to calm down. Not only did it get her some peace, but the kids learned to follow her example to calm down themselves.

2. You can't stand the fighting. Solution--the kids get a time out in separate rooms. There is nothing wrong with the kids having to entertain themselves. I also could never stand the fighting and would often separate everyone!

3. The kids mess up the house and you feel overwhelmed with taking care of everyone (ok, you didn't say this, but it's one thing I feel myself quite often). Solution--even at age 4, kids can be responsible. They can put things in the dishwasher, sort laundry, get their own snacks (yogurt, cheese, fruit). You can reward them for doing each task. It's a respect thing that kids should learn.

So, sorry if the examples seem insulting and not at all what you were looking for. For me, sometimes it helps to have something solid to work on. Also, it took me quite a long time to not feel guilty about using the TV or videos to help. Sometimes I would just not want to deal with the kids and would set them up watching something. In reality, it was probably better that they watch TV rather than have me irritated (or yelling at) with them for just being kids.