[Yismymindblank12]

I really wish I was a woman, had the looks and adored for me being me that way. I wish so badly, it's so hard that you want to change and go through the transition knowing that it wouldn't look right and hating your body and looking at everything you hate about yourself that your stuck with.

Plus being attracted to women too, it's so much harder, trying to play a guy role when you want to be a woman role too. You want guys to hold the door for you, and take the female societal priviledges in stride while finding them bs to begin with. Having a baby, working on my looks and not be laughed at.

Looking naturally pretty and just putting my best foot forward without feeling like you are some monster that just walts in the room. I'm never open about this insecurity. I can't and not able to do it comfortably and feeling like you don't measure up to other guys period.

Then if you want to change your looks you can't look gorgeous and stick with the ugly hack job done to your face and paying all this money for that. It's like I'm in hell with that, and constantly being ridiculed for it.

When all I want to look like is this.

http://wallvan.com/download?filename...Wallpapers.jpg

[kraken1851]

Hi Y! I can relate to how you feel. I'm a gay trans guy, pre-everything. I know passing might happen easier for me than for an amab person, but there are aspects of my body that will never change.

But you will still be a beautiful woman. Beauty isn't what models or cover girls tell us is beautiful. How many cis women look like them? And without Photoshop and makeup? It took me a while to embrace this, but I'd much rather be an ugly guy than a woman looking like a model (I don't look like a model, but for the arguments' sake lets assume I did... ).

I wish society didn't make it so hard for us by understanding that beauty comes in many forms, shapes, colors, sizes.

Hugs

[Yismymindblank12]

If you saw me, you'd never expect I'd be like that. A lot of LGBT friends of mine, were very shocked not in a bad way of course, but never thought I'd be.

It's probably because I didn't say a word on it. I didn't choose to express it at all, because of some of my friends aren't supportive and that I finally sat down and been honest with my own self on how I feel about things.

Like I'd love to be a lesbian. I dream of it happening having a lesbian wedding I pick out my dress and my partner picks out her dress with her family and we meet each other and like "OMG" and so on.

My uncle is very helpful in this, he is gay and is now married to a wonderful man. I was at that wedding recently it was amazing. I learned being out in cali what my life can be if I leave my city in ohio.

I find it very offensive to me and I'd think to any trans person whether true or not, that the stereotype is still offensive.

That, "so you like guys now?" response. It just shows their lack of insight on everything when it comes to that.

I can't be mad at them, but sometimes can't help it.

I like girls, and always will. I find them so gorgeous, I wish I could be one of them and do what I do now as a woman instead of being a man.

As a boy I thought I was a different kind of girl and used to believe a boy is a pretty and different in their own way kind of girl, but finding out that's not the case in very traumatic instances really did a number on me and confused me till 4 years ago to now.

[kraken1851]

Originally Posted by Yismymindblank12

If you saw me, you'd never expect I'd be like that. A lot of LGBT friends of mine, were very shocked not in a bad way of course, but never thought I'd be.

What many cis people have a hard time understanding is that you don't have to be hypermasculine or -feminine just because you identify as either gender. I was certainly a boyish kid, but before acknowledging I'm trans (which took me long enough ), I tried to make up for feeling not woman-enough by wearing dresses and presenting very femme. Well, didn't work and I never felt comfortable, but even if I had enjoyed wearing dresses, it still wouldn't mean I'm not a guy.

Lol, my therapist of all people asked wouldn't I start dating girls if I transitioned. Nooooooo!

[Yismymindblank12]

See, it's cool that you said, that I was expected when I came out, people thought I say the same things you say. I was expected to date guys, despite what I like, but at the same time. When I made the response they all thought I was insensitive to gay guys all the times, like so if I don't like guys and I'm transitioning to a girl I have obviously something against gays in their mind, but really. They don't ever understand that gender identity and sexual orientation are completely different things. See I don't on whatever you like, it makes you you and it makes you happy I'm ok with both of those things even if I don't know you. I have no room to say otherwise and I wish people saw that more where I live at.

[kraken1851]

Oh my... That's a twisted response to someone who is doubly marginalized by cis-het culture as a gay/lesbian trans*person. How does that read as you rejecting gay people?

The only thing for us to do is educate people and get our stories out there. And get to Cali maybe .

[Yismymindblank12]

Exactly. I don't know how that could be possible. If many trans people who were bi and gay did it doesn't mean I have to.

Yeah even though it seems I'm the minority with others in the trans community, doesn't mean anything other than I like girls and that they are hot. It was hard to come out as bi sexual it still is, because of that specifically then it be like, "ah ha I knew it you only like guys all this time!" I am so scared of some people assuming that and then forcing me to date their guy friends or something strange and things get awkward fast.

Like, some of my other relatives my cousin I'll say even though he is in his 50's Paul maybe later 40's. when I came and told him about it, he was super supportive and nice about it.

I love how my family loves me more and is helping me with this, but when I said about me being bi and said that I don't like that when people would assume that. I feel many other gay guys felt the same in general. That if they came out as gay or bi, their girlfriends or guy friends would hook them up with another gay friend of their's and say "you're both gay now kiss and date eachother". Like are we in preschool still? this isn't play pretend. I'm into guys, but rarely, I told him, that I don't find many men attractive for them to be attractive it's almost too specific and not worth trying to have sex with more rather date, but when I do I find their masculinity hot as well.

His response was, "I definitely know exactly what you mean. Many guys even if they are gay too, can be completely unattractive in their behavior and looks to me, but that's ok. I agree"

Like, to put into perspective, I go crazy over girls instantly, guys not so much, only once or twice a month or a year. It's just as rare as seeing a beautiful woman, and literally makes my heart and words skip at the same time and being awkward dunce about it all the other times. Even if a lot of guys adore her and I do believe they are right and she is gorgeous, but I don't go crazy like they do. I find many guys who act like this super jealous overly possesive nature a win lose situation. Why I am bi, is that from the male qualities I find most attractive despite if I was gay and only into guys, I'd be a dominant one when it comes to sex, but like the aggressive manly side. The same stuff women go for, but like women and other guys who experience this first hand find it can easily get out of hand where it's almost creepy and rather obnoxious and objectifying. The fact I don't do it to the girls I like puts them off and they assume I'm gay, like sometimes I ask all the time, "do you even? like seriously do you even human?"

In the end, I find what attracts me to women, is the tenderness the sole fact of her appearance whether she is ugly without all the makeup and she's the hottest model around with it on, and at the same time find her so beautiful just because of who she is on the inside as a person is so amazing the looks don't matter to much rather complete the individual. I saw that moment what I just said of what I really love in women, at the wedding when it came to my uncle marrying his husband, it was the most adorable thing I've ever experienced. I thought it was so perfect, like not even fake it felt so amazing. I cried of how sweet he was with him. They click and are a amazing powerful couple or a power couple in my words I like to say.
The picture was my woman crush lights, I like those looks from a woman and wish I had them might work but Idk.

[Rand.]

Yeah it seems there's still a lot of people who are confused about gender identity and sexual orientation. I'm probably confusing a lot of people by being an asexual, aromantic transman lol. "What's the point of transitioning then?" Luckily, that hasn't been said to me, though I've half-expected it.

[TheSeamster]

Originally Posted by Adespota

Yeah it seems there's still a lot of people who are confused about gender identity and sexual orientation. I'm probably confusing a lot of people by being an asexual, aromantic transman lol. "What's the point of transitioning then?" Luckily, that hasn't been said to me, though I've half-expected it.

My mom actually tried to convince me that my orientation and gender were linked. I'm an asexual, aromantic, and at the time of discussion with my mom, I identified as only genderqueer. I cant even remember her reasoning. I just know it was dumb.

[seraphic]

<3

It's never too late to start transitioning and come into yourself if that's what you want. I haven't seen a picture of you, but I'm certain you already are beautiful. Being both trans and not straight makes things difficult (I'm in a different position, but there are similarities), but if what you want is to be a lesbian, of course you can. Girls who are into girls are pretty awesome, in my opinion.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm really struggling, because I really like this girl who likes me as trans and supports me becoming a girl too. I really want my dreams to come true, I just can't stand being a guy and I wish people saw me who I truly wanted to look like. Yeah, I don't like looking at photos at myself, I don't like looking in the mirror when someone gives me a compliment I accept it, but sometimes I act all awkward, when it's someone I find very beautiful and attractive as well.

I've struggled all my life for every time I really liked someone is that person to see what I see. I hated looking in the mirror at myself feeling always out of place, as a girl. I feel that, I could match my personality with no confusion and feel comfortable being myself for once. I really have felt all my life I never belonged anywhere and all I wanted was to be loved and all I wanted was to be myself and be happy, but couldn't see past my looks. I just never could, I really hated being rejected, because it goes back to how much I hated my looks and how many days I've been starving myself because I really wish I was beautiful. I never wanted this facial hair, I never wanted to have male parts. I never wanted for people to assume, I have to be tough all the time. I never wanted to work so hard and know I'm not like the others and wish I wasn't have to do things in such an inconvenient manner.

I never really liked telling my mother about this, because she expects me to be grateful because we can't afford much of anything. All I see my life is some sort of fantasy novel or fairy tale with a huge developing plot within and outside my life time and that my love story is just beginning. That's what I was hoping at least, in my mind how my thoughts in my head talk were always female, someone younger, around mid teens. I always associated myself wanting to feel classy in dresses and spend time trying to look good for myself and living life no longer feeling I'm tied down by my looks. I know I shouldn't look at the superficial, but when you are spending all your life turned down and knowing you can be more than what others give you credit for and no matter how hard you try it didn't ever reach the surface.

You suffocate on your own weight of anticipation leading only to immediate disappointment that lasts so long. That this interwoven mystery of my life has brought clarity on a lot of things, when I type on the computer this late at night. I look at my arms and see a more frailer body inside, I see that I have smaller breasts and mid short hair. I feel so many times what's it's like to live how I really dream of seeing myself.

I never belonged in my family even though I love them a lot, but even though they love me too. I never felt I should of actually existed my whole life I think I did something that prevented me becoming a girl and this is my punishment. I could live every moment to the fullest despite the bad traumatic stuff in my life and go through my suffering much easier and full of content despite how'd I'd feel, because I know I'll be alright.

I am who I am and no one can change that. I mean I can't really give up now, but I don't have many options.

My thing I had with relationships are a mix of fantasy, sci fi, and realistic experiences. That I'd fall in love with someone many lifetimes away we switched bodies we were once the opposite gender. This time, I miss her again. She and I were connected and never were apart. She's the reason I remember who I am and why I'm here. My female body came into play because not only I dated her and had children when she was a man, but I was happy and felt like I belonged in someones arms being shorter and she was taller feeling like I had a place there, but currently. As a guy going to a transition it wouldn't be the same. I find it silly that I'd bring it up, because I am not really attracted to guys currently, it's very rare for me and I don't mind it. It's just how I am.

Anyways, I felt that this person always was with me. I didn't need the friendships I have and had now or better yet anything. Even my family and parents. I didn't need them, because this person gave me all that I needed. I could shut out the world and be alone again wherever we are.

I grieved so many years in my life, knowing that I'm not seeing this person so far. I know that I cry all the time like now, because I wish I was pretty enough for her. I couldn't be a guy, especially in the body I am in, I think she'd reject me if I'd recognize her and she'd not take a second glance and forget I even exist. Feeling so alone all the time, and maybe this is just my insanity from whatever psych, medical or whatever I've been dealing with as a side effect or not who knows, but I figure. I'll wait as long as I need to, that's only why I'm alive anymore. I just want to see what happens and all I want is to die with this person and feel safe they aren't leaving me anymore.

It's so hard to explain how this all works, and not much room to explain it. As a girl, I remember we dated both as girls. She was my best friend I grew up with and we always did everything together we were meant for each other from the beginning as best friends to lovers and bff's.

We painted each others nails, we played outside a lot rode on bikes, talked about our boy troubles, did school work together, and spent a lot of time reading books and going on vacations. Finding out so many years later we were soul mates and that feeling I may have hurt or lost her. I don't remember, but it's so hard not knowing if I'll see her again.

Sorry I didn't want to say that, it's something super personal to me.