[ishiru]

hello...
it's been (how long i didnt come here?)..

2 years..i hid this problem..and now i really can't hold it anymore..

i'm a male..but the inside of me is a female..i don't know how i describe it but i'm sure the inside me is a female.

i really want to let my mom know this.but i'm afraid i would hurt her as my religion also prevents me to be a trans.

i gave every signs that might help me to let her know indirectly like my hairstyle, how i sit, my expression, and how i take care of my body.

but i got nothing!.she didnt realize me!

it's hard to make a letter since i always cried when i want to tell her.it's like a fear of being rejected!

i have several scheme how it might ends.either being totally rejected, accepted with terms i should be a straight girl, or totally accepted as a "L".

i also wants to change my name..but i also in doubt if she accept it or not

please help me!.i want this stressful things ended soon

[Grey Matter]

The main thing to do is care and protect yourself. It can be very hard to come out, especially to parents who are religious, but that being said, does not mean you should suffer for it. You are who you are, and that is beautiful.

It's natural to have a fear of rejection. I promise you. We live in a society that does not nurture us discovering our gender identities. That is not your fault. It is a very scary thing. You're not alone in this.

My advice, since she is religious, is to take this slowly. Have small, safe conversations about this. Even in a neutral, non-home setting may make this easier.

Your safety is the most important here.

[Rand.]

Grey Matter said it perfectly. I don't really know how to add to that. Coming out to, especially religious, parents is hard. My parents are religious so I know this first hand. Taking things slowly sounds like good advice. Being afraid of rejection is something we all face when coming out. But first and foremost, be kind to yourself and protect yourself. You deserve it.

[ishiru]

my parents were not an extremely religious one but still religious enough..

anyone can give me small example of slow coming out?..i dont really have idea because i'm basically couldnt take things too slow

Originally Posted by ishiru

my parents were not an extremely religious one but still religious enough..

anyone can give me small example of slow coming out?..i dont really have idea because i'm basically couldnt take things too slow

Hello Ishiru: Well, I don't know if I can give you an example of coming out slowly. From what you've written, you've done several things already as far as hairstyle, clothing & mannerisms go. At some point, you do just have to come out & say it, or write it. And this can be difficult because you don't know what to expect. I don't know if you see a therapist. How to approach this would be a good thing to talk with a therapist about.

I suppose one way in which people come out slowly is that they first tell a trusted friend or family member (probably not parents.) They see how this goes. Then they wait a bit & tell another one or two trusted individuals, etc. This allows them to practice what they say & how they say it, and to make adjustments as they go along. They delay telling the individuals who may be the most challenging until they've had a chance to practice on a few more sympathetic persons. Does this make sense?

It sounds as though you're pretty certain you are trans. I do hope though that you have had an opportunity to work with a gender therapist on this. Or, if not, that you will be able to do so. Transition is a process that can be difficult. You need someone you can talk things through with as you proceed along the path. In the meantime, though, at least you do have PC. And there are many knowledgeable people here. So keep posting!

[ishiru]

i actually would go to a therapist..but i'm afraid they will force me to stay as a male .

the only person know this were my gf.at the first, i want to ask her to tell my mom but too bad i was way tooooo late.she already go to the eternal world.

now i'll try to write a letter.i hope my mom and dad would accept the true of me..

Originally Posted by ishiru

i actually would go to a therapist..but i'm afraid they will force me to stay as a male .

the only person know this were my gf.at the first, i want to ask her to tell my mom but too bad i was way tooooo late.she already go to the eternal world.

now i'll try to write a letter.i hope my mom and dad would accept the true of me..

Ishiru: I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your girlfriend. This must have been difficult for you.

As to the question of seeing a therapist, I think that most trans individuals who have undergone transition would say that having a therapist is very important. Transitioning is a long & difficult process. It has many challenges. The important thing is to find an experienced gender therapist. Because, you're correct, there probably are therapists out there who would try to convince you that you're not really trans, or that somehow you can be "cured" by some other means than transitioning. You don't want to see someone like that.

I, of course, don't know anything about how available experienced gender therapists are where you live. My suggestion would be to try to make contact with some other transgendered / transsexual individuals where you live & find out who they see.

Good luck writing your letter. I do know that writing a letter is one way that has worked for other trans persons. Just be gentle. Remember that, as is often said: "It's their transition too..."

[ishiru]

thanks!.i'll let my mom know this first..

i couldnt bear the pain anymore!

anyway, i have a question..

this week i've been driving everyday (long trip).and somehow i feels my chest were a little bit bigger and everytime the seatbelt touched it i feels very uncomfortable (it's like losing my concentration, feels something very weird.like turned on?)

is it normal for a male or..my hormone changed a little bit?.i always think this is normal but i couldnt bear the..um..tickles or what?..i'm out of idea!

[ishiru]

letter was done and awaiting my mom to read and respond

crossfinger...

Hi Ishiru: I would say that unless you're self-medicating in some way or other, it's unlikely that your hormone levels are changing significantly enough to produce the effect you're describing. I would be more inclined to think that it is simply a combination of spending large amounts of time wearing your seatbelt, perhaps along with the temperature & humidity (if these are high), & your desire to have more there. Our minds can play many tricks on us, especially when we want something SO badly as one does when s/he is trans. On the other hand, it is certainly within the realm of possibility that something could be going on. So, if the feeling continues & / or becomes more intense, you may want to see a doctor.

[ishiru]

i'm on self healing therapy right now (no medicine involved except food suplements).so i guess my minds play role here and affecting the whole body including my hormonal?

i already gave the letter by electronic but i guess she didnt read it yet

The only thing, in the way of food supplements that could be having this type of effect, that I'm aware of would be if you were taking in large quantities of soy. That can have an effect on your hormone levels. Good luck with your letter. I'm a pocket rider!

[ishiru]

i ate soy based food pretty much since i was kid..i guess it's not counted?

my supplements were zinc, B6, and C.

Ya know... I don't know enough about this stuff to really say. I think one has to take in allot of soy in order for it to affect hormone levels. I've known some transsexual YouTubers who could not afford to get hormones from a doctor & so took large amounts of soy. I guess they did achieve some success with it. But I'm under the impression that taking these large amounts of soy can actually be dangerous. So I wouldn't recommend trying it,

[ishiru]

i think soy wouldn't hurt since they're natural supply

umm..now, i have several question again..it's about the progress and things..

how does it feels when those buldges started to grow?
if i got bottom surgery, can i get pregnant and....virgin? (sorry if i was too rude!.but i really want to know it!)

and does the surgery hurts?..i'm pretty scared to be hurted

Originally Posted by ishiru

i think soy wouldn't hurt since they're natural supply

umm..now, i have several question again..it's about the progress and things..

how does it feels when those buldges started to grow?
if i got bottom surgery, can i get pregnant and....virgin? (sorry if i was too rude!.but i really want to know it!)

and does the surgery hurts?..i'm pretty scared to be hurted

Hello Ishiru: I can't answer your questions from personal experience since I have never had hormones or trans surgery. However, I have developed relationships, via YouTube, with quite a few trans YouTubers & I can tell you what I have learned from them.

First of all, though, I want to say that, with regard to soy, I've been doing some reading on-line about this. The consensus of opinion is that in order for soy supplements to have any effect at all, it is necessary to take SO much, that it IS dangerous. The normal amounts people eat on a day-to-day basis have no effect on a person's hormone levels.

As far as the physical changes brought on by taking female hormones goes, every person I have known who was transitioning was thrilled to see her new body taking shape. After all, they were finally beginning to look like the person they always knew themselves to be! Another change that also occurs, on hormones, is that the skin becomes noticeably softer. This often seems to be the 1st thing transitioning individuals notice.

But in addition to the physical changes that hormones bring on, I think that most individuals who transition would say that the psychological or emotional changes are the most striking. Most trans persons I have known have said that they became calmer, more emotional (able to cry, for example) and more tolerant of other people. So there's a big mental shift that takes place as well.

As far as pregnancy goes... sadly... no... as things stand now, you will not be able to bear children. Sometimes male-to-female transitioners will "bank" sperm for later use if they want to have children of their own. Of course, medical technology is advancing all the time. So it's possible that, at some later date, childbirth may be possible for trans women.

Does bottom surgery hurt? Well, yes. Almost all surgeries hurt. And there's allot happening when you're talking about bottom surgery. Of course, you won't feel anything while it's being done. You'll be anesthetized. But once you wake up, it will hurt. However, modern medicine has gotten very good at pain management And, most trans people I've known have said that there wasn't as much post-operative pain as they expected.

One additional thing about bottom surgery though, once the surgery is complete, the new vagina will have a tendency to close up if it is not stretched regularly. As a result, you'll be given several "molds" of different sizes, to insert into the vagina on a daily basis to keep it from closing up. This can be time-consuming & a bit uncomfortable. Also unless you're sexually active, once you've healed, my understanding is that you have to keep inserting these molds for as long as you want to keep your vagina open. The good news here, though, is that the surgery has gotten SO good, that even a gynecologist can't tell. That's pretty impressive!

Thanks for your questions, Ishiru. Please feel free to ask any other questions you may have.

[ishiru]

thanks!..
i'll just talk about this directly and might be using a helmet to prevent any deadly hits .maybe today or tomorrow or later when i'm 100% ready

so..i should insert those things..ew..ew...eeeewwwwww.....that's pretty embarassing!

and about emotional, i'm not sure if it's changing or not since i'm not concerned on it (i was a crybaby back then but now i still a crybaby )

There are some pretty good videos on YouTube that describe the whole bottom surgery & healing process. You can look them up there or, if you let me know, I can put a link to one here in the Transgender Forum.

[ishiru]

umm..if it's okay, why not?

[doppeling]

hey ishiru,

i want to let you know that your not the only one whos going through this problem. (well obviously... this is what this forum is about) But i myself am in the same footsteps as you. growing up as a guy was really not my thing, the roughness and the other things required to be a man... i just didnt really like that as a kid. so one sleepless night i decided to play a game with myself, pretend to be a girl. so whenever i was alone id just think of myself as a girl and do some girl things. (like... taking 5 min to style my hair or hop and skipping around... or never standing when going to the washroom) it was a fun game... but very saddening for me. i kept my feelings in the closet because everyone around me seemed to want me to grow up and be a strong man... or something... and back then i didnt know that it was possible to have a trans operation. when i found out that it was possible for someone to change sex, it just made me even more depressed that i didnt know.
years have passed and now im like... 17ish... and my feeling have stayed in the closet and i still play the same game i played as a kid. but now im really cracking up because of various comments that are said around me. the comments said around me really hurt me, like one time i was complaining that i was being forced to exercise too much. they said "men dont complain... and its the right amount of exercise a teenage boy should have" its like boy was enforced on me... the comments have really gotten out of hand and im very depressed that iv had to act like someone im not.
i really want to say something... i have said it to a select few, the family therapist just recommended a website that didnt help me at all, and my gf said that she wonders what its like to be the other sex too... dont think she knows what im saying... but i really feel like i need to say something, but im terrified of what the reaction will be if i say it to family and or friends. so i start by coming here to this forum and reading the OP of this thread. i learned some things by reading this thread and wanted to share my feeling about how awful this feeling feels.
anyway, if you want to talk to someone who is feeling the same way, just shoot me an email or something...

p.s. you really gotta have a mold in your... thats... um... wow

Hello Doppeling: What you have written here all sounds very familiar to me. The one thing I want to say is, if you're around 17, you have plenty of time to undertake a transition if this turns out to be the direction you need / want to go. The only thing you lost was the opportunity to take testosterone blockers to delay the onset of puberty. But I've seen many trans individuals on YouTube who were older than you are & who transitioned into beautiful trans women.

What you mentioned about your gf wondering what it would be like to be male is significant though. It is true that pretty-much everyone has these sorts of thoughts from time-to-time. Even individuals who think they are transsexual sometimes, in the end, decide that they are not after all. And some persons who do turn out to be trans decide, in the end, not to transition for one reason or another. So the fact that you play the games you describe does not necessarily confirm that you are transsexual, although it may be suggestive.

There is no test that can confirm trans-ness. It is something you have come to a decision about yourself along with the help of an experienced gender therapist. From my perspective, it is important to find an experienced gender therapist. Therapists who are not experienced sometimes do more harm than good.

I'm glad you found your way to PC. There are many supportive people here. It's also a great place to learn more about being trans & about mental health struggles in general. Keep in mind that the more you post, & reply to others' posts, the more you'll get from the time you spend here. Best wishes!

Okay Ishiru... it may be a day or two before I can find a video I think is appropriate. Nothing too graphic. I don't want to scare you to death!!! But as soon as I find a good video, I'll add a new reply to this Thread with the link to the video.

Hello Ishiru: This is the YouTube video I've come up with for you. This is basically an ad for a very well respected trans surgeon named: Dr. Sherman Leis. In the video itself, Dr. Leis just talks about what a person should do if s/he thinks s/he is transsexual. Dr. Leis does have other videos uploaded as well. In one, he describes the bottom surgery itself. You should be able to get to that one by first clicking on his channel name (Dr. Sherman Leis) and then clicking on the word "Videos" toward the top of the screen.

The most important reason that I selected this video is because of the website Dr. Leis maintains. This website is: www.thegendercenter.com . There you will find all sorts of additional information.

Finding a video to put a link to, here on PC, was tougher than I expected. Allot of the videos are very graphic & I didn't want to scare you to death before you even get started! Plus, I felt as though such graphic material was, perhaps, not appropriate to link to here on PC. However, these more graphic videos are on YouTube, as are videos where trans individuals talk about their own surgeries. You will be able to begin accessing these, if you want to, by clicking on some of the "Thumbnails" that run down the right side of your screen.

I hope this is useful to you as you continue to think about your personal situation. Let me know if you have any problems accessing any of this. I will be glad to try to help out any way I can!

[ishiru]

hello!..

i'm so sorry for didn't come her pretty long

so..yesterday...mom busted me browsing about trans.i was like.."oh crap!".but then she didn't bother it..and at night, she caught me practicing my dance.and it's very girl-ish dance..again "CRAAAAPPP!!!"

couldn't cover myself anymore and i'm glad she didn't kick me out .but i still doubt if she would accept me like this or forcing me as a man..

at least 1 more problem released.feels sooooo better than before

@The Skeezyks : thank you for the videos!.i'll take a look