Childhood & beyond questioning

When I was around 11-12 my parents went through a pretty messy divorce caused by his mental health issues and alcoholism. It was around this time I suspect that my Bipolar began to manifest itself, all in all, a messy period of my life.
Also around this time, I began to have very strong feelings that I identified as being female rather than male, but being the early 90's it wasn't really a topic for discussion. Instead I would spend evenings and weekends dressed as a girl and this continued up until present day. There is a feeling of comfort and steadiness in being dressed like that. When I was around 14-15 I read that the female contraceptive pill if taken by males, would result in breast growth and I attempted this by stealing the pill from my sister. Alas at 34 the only breasts I have are as a result of a lack of exercise rather than anything else.
Recently the Bipolar has caused my life to collapse around me, and I realise I need to confront and understand many issues, and this gender issue is one of them. I spoke briefly to a psychiatrist about it and whilst he was very forward thinking and said that gender is a fluid concept, he didn't really give me any answers.
I accept that I am living my life as a male, and I will continue to do so, but I'd be interested to hear how people have lived their lives with these feelings as I'm trying to work out how to rebuild and go forward with my life from here.

Hello 19J82: Well... okay... I'm 68 years old. And being transgender is something I've struggled with my entire life. Of course, back when I was young there was no such thing as the internet. And the words "transgender" & transsexual" hadn't even been coined yet. Add in to this the fact that anything related to human sexuality was considered to not be an appropriate topic for conversation (except when it came to smutty jokes passed around between men) &... well... I just grew up hiding.

Over the years I became pretty good at hiding too. I've lived an outwardly pretty normal male life. But being secretly trans has taken it's toll on me. I've also struggled with depression & anxiety as well as with a lot of anger issues. I was seriously bullied, both physically & verbally, throughout high school & I presume that also contributed to how I turned out. I've self-harmed & survived two major suicide attempts... so far.

For many years, I assumed that, as I aged, my "transgenderness" would gradually go by the wayside. But, in fact, there was a period of a few years, quite recently actually, when it unexpectedly flamed. (In talking with other transgender men more-or-less my age, I've come to the conclusion this is more the norm than the exception.) It's only been within the last... oh... I'd say year or two or perhaps three... that my "trans-ness" does seem to have finally dissipated to some extent. At this point, I'm really neither male nor female. I've reached a point where I kind-of view myself mostly as just a generic old person. But, at the same time, all I have to do is give the surface a good hard scratch, so to speak, & my trans-ness is still right there beneath the surface. As has sometimes been said, if you're truly trans, you're trans for life. It never goes away.

Nowadays I simply keep to myself. I am married. But I have no extended family & no friends or acquaintances. I seldom leave home unless it's necessary. It's not that I can't go out. I simply prefer to keep to myself. I'm no longer on any psych med's nor do I see a therapist. Neither has ever been of much help to me. Instead I maintain what I guess might be termed a "spiritual" practice, although I'm not really a spiritual person. For me it's simply a means of coping day-to-day. Oh... & I spend a bit of time here on PC... So that's me, in a nutshell, as the saying goes. I don't know if any of that is helpful.

P.S. I'm always open to communicating via Personal Message.

Hey 19J82.

Your psychiatrist was right - gender is a fluid thing. However - some people do identify as one side of the spectrum, whether cisgender or transgender. Some people have a varying concept throughout their lifetimes. And it is possible to know and to be confused, or to not do anything about it in terms of transition, etc etc. When it comes to gender expression (and, most importantly, how gender is 'performed'), there are no hard and fast rules. That said, it can be difficult to feel that way when all around us there are hard and fast rules about femininity and masculinity, very little room to bend those rules, and an influx of trans people in the media who show very clear definitions of what it means to be trans (ultra 'masculine' or 'feminine', and above all, 'passable'). l

It's amazing how much gender identity can affect mental health. I think it is probably pretty common to think of a changing concept of gender identity as part of mental illness; after all, for so long it's been in the DSM as a psychiatric diagnosis. But I believe that mental illness, among other causes, can be caused, in whole or in part, or aggravated by forcing ourselves to be something or someone other than we truly are.

Are there any transgender supports where you live? Support groups? Social gatherings? Health or other community resources? Have you joined any trans-specific social networks online? Having to navigate gender can be so confusing. This has been the experience for me. I've been questioning my gender my whole life, literally since before I entered school as a young child; I just never had the language for it. But there was never any doubt to me that I was born in the wrong body. At 38 now, I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea what I want to do about it. And there are so many options: hormones, surgery, attire, different ways of grooming, etc. I just tend to get stuck in the idea that as a trans man I have to be ultra-masculine, even though of course this is not the case. And I don't hold anyone else to this expectation, only myself.

Anyway. For the last five years or so my journey of gender exploration has been concentrated. It wasn't until last year that I realized I am probably a trans guy, and that has only been further solidified for me this year. What Skeezyks said is so true: when you're trans, it's not something that goes away; you're trans for life. Whether or not you transition, whether or not you come out as trans, whether or not you change your name, your hair, your identification, etc - nobody can take that away from you.

I will second another thing that Skeezyks said: if you need someone to talk to for encouragement and/or support, I am open to talking via private messaging. I too could use the support.

Hi I can relate....I have had an inner conflict with this since my childhood. They do say gender is fluid. I have seen it wax and wane from my own experience. I was assigned male at birth but have long held feelings of certain feminine traits. I have never cross dressed but was pressured into being a female in an ill conceived role play with someone I thought was my BF when I was ten....this further messed me up and I do believe it has created some gender dysmorphia as a result. Although I would never go through a transition I see certain parts of my body a female rather then male if that makes any sense and it has essential lau sabotaged every intimate relationship I have been in....sorry for the long response

I apologize if this is a duplicate post. I can identify with most of what you are saying. I was assigned male at birth despite all indicators I was to be a girl. I have never really felt comfortable with my body and have had some strong feminine traits; some personality wise some possible physical and some perception wise. I have never cross dressed or anything like that but I did have long hair for years and I did indulge in a navel piercing on my 22nd birthday which screams feminine side. I truly buy into childhood experiences can shape or distort our perception of our gender. They say gender is fluid and there have been times where I fell like a guy the way society believes we should, times I feel like a femm, times I feel like a female. Sometimes I can be in remission so to speak and some external stimuli triggers these dysphoric feelings all over again and the cycle is once again set in motion. I'm just glad I'm not alone on this as I have felt so for most of my life. Hope you can find inner peace with yourself

I had a long struggle if my gender identity is valid, or if it's just the mood shifts.

Some days I had bad disphoria, some days I was somewhat okay with the way it was. And then one day, after a big depression crash, I wondered if this performing of a gender that I don't belong to, is in fact a bad elevator for my mood shifts. Then again, what if my feeling were because if the mood shifts? Maybe I was just so disconnected from myself, maybe I just wanted to escape from myself?

But then I thought: hell, even if it's my bp, it's not less THERE. It's not like I'm not bipolar in 40 years

And I experienced so much gender euphoria since then. Transitioning was one of the best decisions of my live (I recently started HRT so who knows, but my transition started years ago).
Of course I still have my mood shifts but I feel a little bit more at peace with myself now.