I've been found out 3 or 4 times in the last year on what I've done. I was only found out because I got lazy covering my tracks -- not real-life relationships, though. I prefer to be able to cut the connection easily when I'm done... But after the last 3 months I've been completely behaved. Deprived. And it is driving me absolutely batshit insane!
I'm used to freedom. I'm used to having small bite-sized morsels of fulfillment wherever I go & I cannot handle being confined. I can most easily let my hair down & open up to someone who idolizes me. Admires me. And someone I can throw away. So this **** of having no one anymore? This **** of having to wait patiently for therapy visits every 2 weeks only to feel like nothing has gotten done?
I'm in a very unique state of fury right now. And no one seems to ****ing get it.
Of course everyone relates to the victim... They're all ****ing victims! "They never asked for it." But I'm the one who is struggling. Having to control every thought & action. Being reminded daily of how I ****ed up & the potential for the same in the future. It's enough to drive me insane, if I weren't already.
I would have left normally. But I do love him & have already expended so much effort/time. If he didn't solely support me & already provide me such a long leash as it was. But it's maddening & I feel like I'm about to explode. And there is no one that gets it... And isolation is awful fodder to add to the flame.

Ugh. This was probably stupid & makes not a damn bit of sense. I just needed to post somewhere before I put myself in any ridiculous situations. Or started a fight just to get a rise. I'm just not dealing with this well.

Originally Posted by Shayatanica

Ugh. This was probably stupid & makes not a damn bit of sense. I just needed to post somewhere before I put myself in any ridiculous situations. Or started a fight just to get a rise. I'm just not dealing with this well.

Your used to being you. One who doesn't settle for someone else to hold you back. You do things because you know you can win at the end. Do wrong and be accepted back probably because you like to manipulate the situation for him to beg for you back. Or that even after doing the wrong things to him you can still find away to be forgiven and this is what keeps you going. It seems as if you took a page from me while writing and knowing most cannot understand but you do it for you. Understood completely!! Don't worry we are great at finding whats needed to always remain on top and you already know that it will work out for you in the end. The things that make us who we are are the things we make for what we need. Have fun with the game that is about to begin once again between you and your boyfriend, little does he know that it's all a game.

Every ****ing word you say depicts me exactly!! Every last one. I always get my way & never have to worry where I'll end up, because I always have a plan. Options. And the main reason for my distress HAS to be because there is no shortcut this time. And because I lost my leverage to be forgiven, since I managed to exploit him one time too many. ****.

I'm not sure about the"game" bit, though. Never would I have come so far for anyone else... He is special. But the longer this is drawn out, the more I lose sight of why I am making myself miserable for someone else's benefit! LOL

The "game" is more of a term I use for our ways. Not to take away the feelings you have towards someone but more why we do what we do. Lets put the pieces together which are the ways we bring the negativity on purpose in a way just so we can fix it. To feel like its at the bottom only to bring it right back up. The part that brought a smile to my face is when you said " no shortcut this time. And because I lost my leverage to be forgiven, since I managed to exploit him one time too many. ****." We know this is far from the truth as your already probably making strides for this to change already. "game" Also take in to account that this will happen if you want it to or else your done with him and it will be on to the next. We have a special way about us that allows us to move in and out so easily that nobody outside of us can get. Anyway I do get you as another quote from you says "And there is no one that gets it... " So let me know how the "game" is going LOL!!!!

[here today]

My father was probably N and used cheating as supply for much of the time he was married to my mother. And I’ve got an N “part” inside but am usually more co-dependent – or is it covert N? I’m not sure. Anyway. . .

He was almost 90 and died of pneumonia but a contributing cause to his death (according to the certificate) was “failure to thrive syndrome.”

Although usually analytical and logical, I “felt” it coming, because his second wife didn’t seem to care. . . maybe she was worn out with him, was probably N or borderline herself. I tried to intervene – didn’t work so well – she wanted her status and her money.

Point being . . . eventually the “game” ends and what we are left with is just life. Sometimes people escape, through a heart attack or accident, etc. But not always.

So why do I care, here? Usual co-dependent trying to “help” the N’s? Maybe.

Whether my dad was capable of love or not, I don’t know. He did validate me (therefore manipulating my affection) when my mother was down on me. But a child loves as a child loves. Unconditionally. That’s what you all deserve – somewhere. Every person deserves it. And my guess is, you have that capacity yourselves, only it got very hurt and hidden. Don’t know if you can find it or not. From my perspective, it’s better than a game. Tough, painful. But real.

Whatever . . . hope you don't mind this post in "your" forum. Let me (or the mods) know and I/they will delete it.

Underground: Ohhhhhh, okay! Gotcha. I'm just trying so hard to remove the typical patterns of my thinking. "Mindfulness" & whatnot. So I suppose I was over-sensitive about that terminology... I'm just hitting such a brick wall with trying not to be destructive. Or self-destructive. I've even been undergoing waves of denial -- how could I be disordered if I'm even making what brief strides I have been? It's very conflicting.
And yes, I know how easy it is to move on... It's definitely something I admire about myself. But I'm trying to fight that because I've already put in so much effort. It'd make the past 3 months a complete waste of time! And that's something that's more uncomfortable than trying at all.
I've been medicating my Bipolar & that's helping me stay focused & has been slowly removing the intensity of detrimental traits. Impulsivity, callousness, etc. So at least I only have my PDs to worry about -- making my hand much simpler to deal with. I've been reading this book "the Wisdom of Psychopaths" & I'm trying to reverse-engineer it into using my powers for good. Or at least productively.

Here Today: Awwwwwh, well thanks for being so helpful with that insightful anecdote. I think I'll spare the deletion since it was in good faith.

[peacefulplace]

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and I think it's commendable that you are going through so much in order to change things. I think he is lucky to have you, because you can see how special he is.

I think we cut ourselves short, I don't think we're as bad as we make ourselves to be, or how others make ourselves to be.

hugs

It IS very commendable, thank you for noticing! Hahahahhaa. And yeah... He is incredibly unique & very sweet. One of a kind; something that I really could never have imagined myself saying. I may have problems but I'm not completely blind. So that fact might help me get over this! Even if it is difficult to the point of neurosis & fatigue.

I don't think we're as bad, either. But it's hard to cut out that programming that is shoved into our skulls by the rest of the world. Honestly? I think they scapegoat us all so they don't have to identify with our motivations or actions... That if we're "bad", then they're not & can feel better about themselves.

[Thorn Bird]

As a non (sorry invading your post) I do kinda agree with what you say - after all there is good and bad in everyone and maybe you are misunderstood and used as a scapegoat for all the bad things.