Update here... So I have ended my therapy sessions after about a year of figuring out and realizing my time in therapy has been a waste due to a couple of therapist not equipped to handle my issues. I sat with my P-doc this last week and she showed more insight with our past 5 minute sessions than my T's have been able to do so in a year. Our last session was for about 45 minutes and she agreed with many of my beliefs in regards to the lack of actual knowledge in their fields. To sit with a T who tries to focus on their own comforts has led to so much time thrown away. Has some helped with what comes along... Yes but does it constitute the amount of time wasted??? Most definitely not. I am now in search of CBT and DBT to see if I can get "rewired". To feel that when I open up in to my real mind I am not looked at as if I have 3 heads. My last session was me telling her how I am not coming back and of course she asks what I have I gained in the time spent with her. I told her based on relationship she has been helpful but based on my needs of working with my PD no help. During the conversation she told me who I am was complicated which made me laugh. I told her that when I came to her I asked that we have time to communicate based on my feelings towards her insight. Well reality is that my prior T tapped into a very dark-side that at the time I had to leave(Couldn't handle I suppose). I blame myself too for the waste not only her. I am a narcissist who is not proud that the fact is that I am insecure, my weakness is myself and yet allow a facade to show another side that is not true. I am not perfect as I make myself to be but a simple minded person who gains acceptance by any means needed. I have created a world for myself to dominate and not to fall back behind the areas that so many do. To not accept things for what they are but to make a problem into something because of myself being hurt. Letting these things roll off is so much easier said then done. Why let a side become so hurt that I must shut down to the world at times. As I go on the weakness I see and know to be true are the same things I never allowed to be shown or even thought of. A door that has remained close for so many years needs to be opened. Again so much easier said than done. Anyway I will give another update when CBT begins with the chosen one.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Well here I am again. Still struggling with the same old ****, but my denial caught up to me as per usual so I stopped posting in here. Besides that I've been too busy being psychotic to actually contribute anything of value. Stupid schizophrenia. Ah well, I'm trying to make the best of things.

I have a new therapist now. She isn't aware of my PD, I've only seen her once thus far though so we shall see how it goes. Yes, I'm one of those rare narcissists that actually wants therapy.

Denial is a strange thing, it ebbs and flows like the tide. I'm not doing myself any good with denying my issues but I haven't found very many practical ways to combat it as of yet. If anyone here has any advice I'd be willing to hear it.

I understand the thoughts!!! I too ride the wave of difference depending on the day. At this time I really am trying to get into the deep parts of actions more than reasons. I am accepting facts that "I" am weak, my fight has been another mask of strength or defense. I have quit my second therapist and am looking to get with a schema or cbt therapist as I do believe I need help in the rewiring and insight from a person equipped to better understand my issues. After a year of recognizing my thing I really never took it for what it was. I am now!! I am sick of living this way, to not even know who I really am. Mind boggling to say the least. The darkness has always been with me and will get much darker before it gets brighter. I look forward to the path of recovery. At least I believe this to be true. Denial is another defense to make it easy, to get better we need to be weak and broken, basically who we really are. Good luck I feel the frustration.

Ok well I just wanted to write some more today. Maybe even get some thoughts and insight from others here. I tend to magnify everything all the time, whether it be what I should of done or what I feel at any given time. It really is like a constant ticking that goes on or more like gears that are always spinning with no real reason. My wife always tells me that I never am myself when we go out, especially around other people. That I always act weird when interacting with others. She say's that I am a very embarrassing person with things that I say to others. Now more than ever I do see that I am not myself in these times, that I never really feel comfortable unless around my family. She works with autistic kids and say's I show traits of Asperger's I will assume more in a joking manner. I know I have eye contact issues but what does that mean. Is it because people have to look in eachothers eyes while speaking and if so why? For respect or because someone once said so? I do notice that when I do look at people while speaking it is work for me, like almost having a staring contest but in a way I think this is more comical that anything else. I remember my last therapist saying to me look at me when I speak. With my N traits I did just this in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. Almost to prove that I could look at her better than she could look at me. So stupid isn't it? Anyway maybe this is aspd traits or intj traits or because I don't like people much traits. Whatever it is I notice it more now than ever. The feelings of fakeness when I smile and wave and so on. I dislike feeling nothing, never really happy but at the same time not unhappy just nothing. I do not interact well and I know that's my upbringing.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Underground,

I'm actually the opposite of you. I make eye contact with people constantly. People tend to be intimidated by me at times because of it. They see me as very confident and self-assured, and a lot of people don't know what to do with that.

I may have written in a sense that only I am getting like most of the time lol. My confidence is not the issue, when interacting I never come of in a way that people feel as if I am intimidated by them. If anything I am always told how I intimidate others. People have also told me that they are usually able to read others yet never can read me. My interactions are usually that I just don't care about even trying to accommodate others interests. I think this is one of the reasons I am embarrassing to others with things I may so or do. My discomfort comes as I think the way I see people, for instance my wife and I went away to Boston and got lost. We stopped and asked a guy for directions and he actually got in his car and told us to follow him to where we needed to go. This screwed me up for a while as I wasn't equipped to handle this kind of interaction. I suppose being from NY I am use to all the A#$holes and may of become more of one because of this. While social I used to be the life of the party in my younger years, outspoken and the one who always made the night memorable for all. My confidence is usually still shown as seeing people and always thinking they catch my eye and are usually intrigued in some way. My discomfort is being around say other parents at a school event, they make me sick with their little talk and stories of who did what and so on. Other places as well that would have similar scenarios. I guess it may be harder to explain than I thought as my mind is always racing. Trust me as my main mask has always been to be the best!!! Just so tired of all the BS surrounded by the area!!!

[Atypical_Disaster]

If anything I am always told how I intimidate others. People have also told me that they are usually able to read others yet never can read me.

Hahahaha, same here!

My interactions are usually that I just don't care about even trying to accommodate others interests.

I can relate. It's hard to care about accommodating others when you don't feel empathy.

[r3b0rn]

I am wondering who I am, cant even figure out my own lies anymore LOL. When you can tell yourself you're going to do something, guess what isn't happening! I am suffering from major self absorption since discovering I am a narcissist, I mean I was self obsessed before but even more now all I can think about is who I am what I want.... why do I always wonder how something will benefit me, why do I twist all stories to make myself a badass, and I mean it goes on and on. I don't know if I can change? I found out my granpa was like my dad and even my great grandpa was the same..... maybe its genetic? I don't even know I cant tell the truth about caring about getting help. I cant identify the feeling to seek help Lol.