I'm scared that I'm a covert narcissist

Sounds difficult. Several "red flags" for possible attachment issues and trauma -- but having said that, what would you like to do about that, if anything?

I often worry when I talk about these kinds of things that I'm exaggerating or making myself a victim. Because it wasn't always bad. It's not always bad now. It just fluctuates a lot. Sometimes my mom hates my guts and wants me to die, other times she'll be literally crying because she misses me or is so worried about me...no, I don't trust that.

What I was mostly getting out is how insults from her now just register to me as "Oh shut up already...".

Do about it? I keep thinking a lack of contact. Separate enough that she doesn't need to call me except a couple times a year for legal things (I'm still on her health insurance and have to be, legally, until I'm 26). It's been getting better, however gradually; though, interacting with her is always a chore. I have to throw a tantrum to get the change to finish a sentence. I'm not really sure what else can be done about it besides separation.

Sounds healthy, for you.

What I was trying to say in my brief comment earlier was that it really does sound like you had a legitimately difficult situation with your parents and lack of other family growing up. Not to label or try to stigmatize her in any way, because I have a great deal of “empathy”? “sympathy”? I’m not sure which, for other people with PD’s, but have you considered that your mother may have one? (Maybe BPD?) Which means that you are certainly at risk for difficulties yourself, especially combined with the early loss of your father.

At any rate, even if you love your mother, her life and mental health are primarily her problem. And that really sucks because I think the mental health profession often has very little of a clue what to do, especially for people who don’t have a clue to start with either. But that’s another topic.

So. . . what can you, perhaps, do for yourself mental-health wise? And given the can of worms you might get into, what do you want to try to do for yourself and your life, potentially? Are you in therapy currently? Or have you been in therapy before?

I say that therapy can be a can of worms because that has certainly been my experience and if you look on the Psychotherapy forum, it seems to have been the experience of quite a few others. Nevertheless. . .it can be worthwhile sometimes, too.

Whoa on some of this -- just happened to notice your thread in "Layoffs, Recession and the Economy". A lot of your situation could easily come from the fact that you are a young adult in the phase of life where you are (still) just starting to make a life for yourself and define who you are, so some of these issues may clear up on their own. . . though, as I said, with the "risk factors" for your own mental health, if you could see someone it might be worthwhile. Could make getting out and on your own easier, too, but there's probably some anxiety about all of that? Also sounds like you and your mother are very different, you may need your own place, probably not going to happen right away, I can understand if you feel frustration and uncertainty.

I've long known my mom has mental health issues - originally major depression (I've witnessed her episodes since early childhood. It used to worry me immensely when she would spend 22 hours a day in bed, now I just kind of know she'll get past it eventually).

I've been self-analyzing almost obsessively for a few years now with little to no action...I guess I keep waiting for a perfect plan to execute perfectly, or else finding reasons not to bother. I don't have much access to therapy, nor much experience. I've had Ts before, but my mom would decide they weren't helping so she wasn't going to pay for them anymore, and we would stop after 5 or 6 sessions. Plus, my last one thought I had an attention disorder and put me on meds that messed up my emotions.

I've been thinking on and off about empathy and love today in relation to this thread. Worrying I actually do lack empathy, or am incapable of actually loving another person. I guess...I have almost nothing in life. Nothing I enjoy, nothing that makes me happy or fulfilled, no one to care about (the one screw-up relationship I had was actually a great feeling, even if it was likely to be short lived), and I'm a master at convincing myself not to try. So I worry, I feel broken, and I just sort of drown it in mindless internetting.

It's getting old, and it occurred to me today that I'm really losing a lot - including a number of mental and emotional things that made me myself. I want the damn life I never started.

And yeah, being broke and dependent just makes everything worse.

Sounds really tough and although I am old (that's one thing I like about the internet, people are just people!) I can really relate.

Have you looked at the definition of OCPD? I probably had that before my late husband died and I fell apart. And OCPD is, of the PD's, generally pretty functional. Lots of things you can do jobwise with those tendencies, although there are drawbacks, too . . .

I like the way you write -- clear and analytical. Although I was thinking about challenging several illogical or all-black statements in your Recession thread. If you like, I can go back and do that? Maybe they stick out to me because, well. . . it takes one to know one?

Loss. . .I numbed mine out most of my life. I noticed that your mood was listed as "numb". I believe that it's a way to keep functioning despite pain but it has its price. . .So at some point maybe you'll get a chance to do some decent therapy with someone who knows what they're doing. At 21, there is still plenty of time for you to get started on the d. . . life. I'm so much older it's embarrassing, but I'm still working on it. I have some friends now and some other stuff is working. But gee golly whiz has it been hard. Hopefully they'll be getting some better therapy techniques soon. They're better now than they were years ago.

Keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other, is my motto. Even though sometimes it's well. . . very hard.