[gracebuttercup]

Hi there
I have a mom who has classic NPD. First time I knew about it was in 1989 when a psychologist diagnosed it about her. I was wary. I am not someone who believes diagnosis without a significant amount of confirmation. Over the years I got that confirmation from brothers and sisters in law who came to that conclusion on their own. One of whom was a psychologist. Yes, it seems mother is classic NPD. Nothing slight about her symptoms.

After this last visit with her I need to find some support for myself. I am looking for a support forum specifically for relatives of those who have NPD. Since I am a member of this website community I thought I would start looking here.

If anyone knows of an active forum for relatives, I would love to hear about it. Thank you, Grace

[marmaduke]

I would like to join that group.
My mother was NPD too.

Covert, ice cold secretly mean. The family had the typical golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

I have had posters on here telling me 'I know nothing, that mother was not NPD' That my diagnoises of mother is 'nonsense'
Which is invalidating and hurtful so a safe place to go would be great, to provide mutual support.

There was an excellent site called
'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' which was a safe place to go and chat but unfortunately that has gone.

Maybe administration could make a safe place. I would much appreciate that.

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[marmaduke]

How was your mother?

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[gracebuttercup]

Hi Marmaduke. I am so sorry you have been invalidated . For me, that was exactly how I was treated regarding my mom. She even told me " just remember, you can tell anyone you want but they won't believe you. She was right about that. I tried. But to the outside world, she was amazing fantastic etc. and I was the cause of her pain. People believed her. Never me. Eventually I believed her and went into decades of a prison of silence. Her voice became my definition of myself. The prison. So again I am so sorry that you were not believed.

A psychologist in the late 1980s diagnosed my mom. But I do not easily believe diagnosis'. Eventually when I heard it from enough family members as an adult I knew the diagnosis was accurate. Now I am left with crippling self blame, and more. Especially when I See her and she heaps on blame and anger. Then playing the victim if I feel hurt. Once again claiming I hurt her feelings for no reason. ( as my brother says, she swings from perpetrator to victim). I was a HSP child which didn't help matters. Now, it is up to me to heal from the constant barrage of messages I took on. To release myself from the prison of guilt, self blame, etc. that's now mine. Thing is, I love her do much. And try my best to protect her.

I think talking about this here may be inappropriate for me to do. I am looking for a website that has a thread for daughters (or offsprings) of NPD parent. It probably is unfair to post my pain and challenge here. I posted at one other website forum. If I find any leads I will let you know

[marmaduke]

What is a HSP child?

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[Atypical_Disaster]

My mother is a Psychopath, not exactly the same but similar. How about a toast to mother issues?

Originally Posted by marmaduke

I would like to join that group.
My mother was NPD too.

Covert, ice cold secretly mean. The family had the typical golden child/scapegoat dynamic.

I have had posters on here telling me 'I know nothing, that mother was not NPD' That my diagnoises of mother is 'nonsense'
Which is invalidating and hurtful so a safe place to go would be great, to provide mutual support.

There was an excellent site called
'Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers' which was a safe place to go and chat but unfortunately that has gone.

Maybe administration could make a safe place. I would much appreciate that.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Anyone who tells you that your mother didn't have NPD is an utter fool, they are the ones talking "nonsense" not you. She's a classic malignant Narcissist from what you've posted about her.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

What is a HSP child?

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Highly Sensitive Person if I recall correctly...

[marmaduke]

Atypical.
Thank you x

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[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

What is a HSP child?

yes, Atypical is correct. its a dx: "Highly sensitive person". There was a book written about it by a woman named Elaine Aron. I thought it was a good read. I got the book from the library.

Atypical. I am so sorry your mom is a psychopath. How did you survive growing up? Did you have support from anyone? Did anyone help you?

Marmaduke, how did you survive ? Did you have any support or help?

[Atypical_Disaster]

How did I survive? Genetics(I'm also extremely tough minded and narcissistic), dissociation to the point of having Dissociative Identity Disorder, and sheer dumb luck to be frank.

I had zero support and I still have no support to this day. Both of my fathers were Narcissists and my family is so full of dysfunction it's incredible. I had to get myself out, because it was clear nobody was going to do it for me. Survival of the fittest is how it worked in my life.

I am in therapy right now but frankly I don't know how much good it's doing me.

[marmaduke]

I had no support, mother didn't like anyone in the house 'nosing around' so I was pretty isolated.

Suicidal thoughts came early, about 8 years old. Should I throw myself out the moving car? Walk in front of one of the juggernauts that thundered though the village?
I had a serious clinical dark depression at 16

A total breakdown.

The only place I've ever read about the same thing was in the book by Sylvia Plath 'The Bell Jar'.

I was given pills, anti depressants I suppose. I felt a little better after three weeks.
I kept crying. Mother said she was sick of the sight of me and my 'grizzling all over the place irritated her immensely'.

Nope. No support.

I hope the therapy helps you Atypical x

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Having a ****ed up abusive father is one thing in our society but when it's your mother?

People often don't believe you at all.

People seldom ever believe me about my mother, because on the outside you'd never know. She's charming as hell, polite, engaging, social butterfly, etc etc... but it's all an act. Underneath she's colder than ice and she has a unique flavor of sadism.

[Writer82]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Having a ****ed up abusive father is one thing in our society but when it's your mother?

People often don't believe you at all.

People seldom ever believe me about my mother, because on the outside you'd never know. She's charming as hell, polite, engaging, social butterfly, etc etc... but it's all an act. Underneath she's colder than ice and she has a unique flavor of sadism.

That's a textbook Psychopath for you. People like you are what gives me the drive to go to school for Psychology. It's horrible when people don't believe you and want to just ignore the bad and hope it goes away. I was molested when I was 6 and no one, except my parents, believed me. And the cops were *******'s about it. People who don't take cries for help seriously are just as bad as those doing the abuse.

[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Having a ****ed up abusive father is one thing in our society but when it's your mother?

People often don't believe you at all.

People seldom ever believe me about my mother, because on the outside you'd never know. She's charming as hell, polite, engaging, social butterfly, etc etc... but it's all an act. Underneath she's colder than ice and she has a unique flavor of sadism.

yes, when it is a charming mother, people do not believe the kid. That was my experience. My mother is charm to the max. She is very very popular and socially powerful in the city where she lives. And she did want to cause me to suffer. Not now. but when i was younger yes. She def. wanted to see me suffer. Did you know she was sick? Or did you believe her and blame yourself? I always blamed myself. Still do.

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

How did I survive? Genetics(I'm also extremely tough minded and narcissistic), dissociation to the point of having Dissociative Identity Disorder, and sheer dumb luck to be frank.

I had zero support and I still have no support to this day. Both of my fathers were Narcissists and my family is so full of dysfunction it's incredible. I had to get myself out, because it was clear nobody was going to do it for me. Survival of the fittest is how it worked in my life.

I am in therapy right now but frankly I don't know how much good it's doing me.

I hope the therapy is helping some. Even if it is not obvious.
Guess it's a very good thing that you are tough minded. If you had a psychotic mother, narcissist fathers then makes sense that you live with DID. Was the way you survived. I am really sorry things were THAT horrible for you. No one to turn to.

I was highly dissociative but not to the degree of DID. Although some people did question if I was. I am not. My father was not an abuser. Just was too weakened. He just wanted peace at all cost. Wasn't a bad guy. Just had no way to protect his kids. So I was luckier than many. I didn't have 2 abusers. Just my mom. But she is VERY strong willed and was hell bent on wanting to mentally torment me, whenever she felt like it. And then somehow would always blame me for harming her. That was the pattern. Of course I would believe her that it was my fault. I still do. She is very smart and strong willed. I believed it was all my fault. Perfect storm. Her the abusive narcissist, me the empathic HSP. Bad combo. BUT believe me, there are many who had it much worse than I.

[gracebuttercup]

for some reason replying with quote is not working now. I have tried many times. So will make my own quotes !
Marmaduke: "I had no support, mother didn't like anyone in the house 'nosing around' so I was pretty isolated.

Suicidal thoughts came early, about 8 years old. Should I throw myself out the moving car? Walk in front of one of the juggernauts that thundered though the village?
I had a serious clinical dark depression at 16

A total breakdown.

The only place I've ever read about the same thing was in the book by Sylvia Plath 'The Bell Jar'.

I was given pills, anti depressants I suppose. I felt a little better after three weeks.
I kept crying. Mother said she was sick of the sight of me and my 'grizzling all over the place irritated her immensely'.

Nope. No support.

I hope the therapy helps you Atypical x

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk"

I am SO sorry you had no one to help or support you. But I do understand about the abusive parent not wanting anyone around. Sorry to say its kinda classic Kids get no protection.

I too was suicidal. Still am some of the time. But really I dont think I could ever go through with it. Because I feel like it would be better if I finish what I started. Still I beg that spirit takes me soon.

You wrote: "juggernauts that thundered though the village" What are those? I dont think we had those where I lived.

I had the same thing when I cried. Mother would get very annoyed. Even when her son died. I sat there crying. It was my brother who died. I was not making sounds. just my eyes leaking. But that was not okay. If ever i said I was upset about it she would bark back at me "well how do you think I feel? He was my son". Honestly I never discounted that. But that's the nature of NPD.

Do you have any relationship with you mother now?

[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by Writer82

That's a textbook Psychopath for you. People like you are what gives me the drive to go to school for Psychology. It's horrible when people don't believe you and want to just ignore the bad and hope it goes away. I was molested when I was 6 and no one, except my parents, believed me. And the cops were *******'s about it. People who don't take cries for help seriously are just as bad as those doing the abuse.

I am really sorry you were molested when you were 6. That's horrible. And yes, people who ignore cries for help, or turn their back on kids who say they are being harmed, or were harmed are just as bad as the abuser.

[marmaduke]

Grace.
A juggernaut is large lorry.

My mother died last year at 92
I didn't love her, there was nothing to love. I don't miss her, there was nothing to miss.

Truth is it was a relief when she died I felt free.
Free from my mother and middle sister a narcissist/sociopath and mothers chosen Golden Child, her mini me. They were a package.

Though NPD middle sis secretly hated mother even tho she was doted on, worshiped by her.

I do feel the best thing someone can do if they have a destructive NPD family is to get away, as far as possible.

Then there is a chance to be the real you rather than the character imposed on by your narc FOO. Who never 'see' you.

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[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by Writer82

That's a textbook Psychopath for you. People like you are what gives me the drive to go to school for Psychology. It's horrible when people don't believe you and want to just ignore the bad and hope it goes away. I was molested when I was 6 and no one, except my parents, believed me. And the cops were *******'s about it. People who don't take cries for help seriously are just as bad as those doing the abuse.

I'm a survivor of molestation and rape as a child also, sucks you went through that too.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Originally Posted by gracebuttercup

yes, when it is a charming mother, people do not believe the kid. That was my experience. My mother is charm to the max. She is very very popular and socially powerful in the city where she lives. And she did want to cause me to suffer. Not now. but when i was younger yes. She def. wanted to see me suffer. Did you know she was sick? Or did you believe her and blame yourself? I always blamed myself. Still do.


I hope the therapy is helping some. Even if it is not obvious.
Guess it's a very good thing that you are tough minded. If you had a psychotic mother, narcissist fathers then makes sense that you live with DID. Was the way you survived. I am really sorry things were THAT horrible for you. No one to turn to.

I was highly dissociative but not to the degree of DID. Although some people did question if I was. I am not. My father was not an abuser. Just was too weakened. He just wanted peace at all cost. Wasn't a bad guy. Just had no way to protect his kids. So I was luckier than many. I didn't have 2 abusers. Just my mom. But she is VERY strong willed and was hell bent on wanting to mentally torment me, whenever she felt like it. And then somehow would always blame me for harming her. That was the pattern. Of course I would believe her that it was my fault. I still do. She is very smart and strong willed. I believed it was all my fault. Perfect storm. Her the abusive narcissist, me the empathic HSP. Bad combo. BUT believe me, there are many who had it much worse than I.

For a long time I had no idea that anything was all that wrong with my family, being psychopathic and/or narcissistic is normal in my family so I didn't really think anything of it until adulthood... and I'm also highly narcissistic so realizing I wasn't normal was... fun, lol!

I never blamed myself, though I did wonder the usual questions, whys and all of that. Now I just accept that evil people do evil things, there's no understanding for it. Just acceptance.

I certainly hope you can stop blaming yourself, this **** isn't your fault, seriously.

I think I would be far less functional if I wasn't a Narcissist myself, I'm very high functioning. I don't work due to physical problems(I'm crippled thanks to all the torture I endured), but I still do a lot and I have a very fulfilling life.

I don't think talking about who's had it "worse" is all that healthy. Pain isn't on a hierarchy.

[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Grace.
A juggernaut is large lorry.

My mother died last year at 92
I didn't love her, there was nothing to love. I don't miss her, there was nothing to miss.

Truth is it was a relief when she died I felt free.
Free from my mother and middle sister a narcissist/sociopath and mothers chosen Golden Child, her mini me. They were a package.

Though NPD middle sis secretly hated mother even tho she was doted on, worshiped by her.

I do feel the best thing someone can do if they have a destructive NPD family is to get away, as far as possible.

Then there is a chance to be the real you rather than the character imposed on by your narc FOO. Who never 'see' you.

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okay, I just googled the meaning of the word Lorry. Got it now.

Sorry your middle Sister is NPD and sociopath. That must be hard. Glad you felt free when your mom died. That at least says you had completely indivuated from her. My brother who had compassion died. The other one is intense and intensely sensitive. But he has a cruel bite unless I am ultra careful. He is a powerful lawyer. So his bite is a bit lethal for someone sensitive as myself. I walk on eggshells around him. It seems to work okay. Just as long as I am beyond careful. His wife seems to have ice water running through her veins. She was a trained psychotherapist. But she doesn't practice. They hate my mother. I can find compassion for her. What they complain about with her is nothing in terms of what mother does to me. But the brother tends to be very short tempered. and yes, abusive. So I am alone. He is way too abusive to ever have a real relationship with. His wife, ice water. I am healing. Have been working on it for decades. But the healing of it all is slow. on a functional level I will always be too broken. One of the dx for me is learned helplesness. the example usually used is of an animal that has been caged all its life. When it is set free it cannot move. The bars of the cage are not physical anymore....

But there are other levels that have been healing. eg I am much less dissociative than I once was. I usually do not lose time anymore etc. Other ways i am healing. Even if the bars are still there. My heart still breaks easily. But at least I do have a functioning heart

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

For a long time I had no idea that anything was all that wrong with my family, being psychopathic and/or narcissistic is normal in my family so I didn't really think anything of it until adulthood... and I'm also highly narcissistic so realizing I wasn't normal was... fun, lol!

I never blamed myself, though I did wonder the usual questions, whys and all of that. Now I just accept that evil people do evil things, there's no understanding for it. Just acceptance.

I certainly hope you can stop blaming yourself, this **** isn't your fault, seriously.

I think I would be far less functional if I wasn't a Narcissist myself, I'm very high functioning. I don't work due to physical problems(I'm crippled thanks to all the torture I endured), but I still do a lot and I have a very fulfilling life.

I don't think talking about who's had it "worse" is all that healthy. Pain isn't on a hierarchy.

Sounds like you have a lot of courage to face things. Admirable, imho. I guess not blaming yourself made it easier to face your own stuff. And you are so right in not blaming yourself. Nothing was your fault, of course. Sorry you are physically disabled. I hope you are not in physical pain. Awesome though that you have a fulfilling life. We are opposites in that respect. Except for all the basic illnesses that go along with anxiety, heartbreak, depression I am very physically functional. Just low functioning in every other way. But I do make progress working on it all. Someday I will feel worthy of being.... liked, loved and just being. I do try to help people whenever possible though. AND I try to have a good sense of humor and smile a lot. That helps. A LOT

[marmaduke]

Leant helplessness is difficult. It meant I was utterly unable to stick up for myself. Bullied at home bullied at school bullied by neighbours bullied by NPD ex husband.
So shy and timid. Frightened of everyone and everything.
I have managed to relearn and l'm OK now. Well as OK as I'm ever gonna be
Don't give up working on yourself, it takes much time and effort but things can change.
Self esteem is the key. Self esteem is what we lack. Mother made sure I saw myself as useless.

Your brother the lawyer sounds scary.

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[gracebuttercup]

Glad you are doing better Marmaduke. Glad you have reclaimed self esteem.
I am working on it all. From the roots/core on up. I do not know how much self esteem I will ever reclaim. But I know I am working on reclaiming myself. I have hope the progress will continue. Sometimes stuff slams me in the face so I can see and work on it. So now I am working on what has come up. The "opportunity", if you know what I mean.

[marmaduke]

Self esteem can be reclaimed. It might sound impossible but it's not.
Problem its a long process took me 3 years of daily work. Self help books, positive mantras, improving my body language, hypnotism, mindfulness.
Tapping is very good.

And I take meds. Paxil, which works well for me.

Persiverance is the key. Never give up. You'll get there x

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[gracebuttercup]

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Self esteem can be reclaimed. It might sound impossible but it's not.
Problem its a long process took me 3 years of daily work. Self help books, positive mantras, improving my body language, hypnotism, mindfulness.
Tapping is very good.

And I take meds. Paxil, which works well for me.

Persiverance is the key. Never give up. You'll get there x

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yes, yes, yes and yes. Thanks for sharing. I have made much progress from how I was before. A combination of psychological and alternative things. Including meridian tapping. Still have a long way to go. But have made considerable progress. Glad you have seen improvement. Everyone deserves freedom

Originally Posted by marmaduke

Self esteem can be reclaimed. It might sound impossible but it's not.
Problem its a long process took me 3 years of daily work. Self help books, positive mantras, improving my body language, hypnotism, mindfulness.
Tapping is very good.

And I take meds. Paxil, which works well for me.

Persiverance is the key. Never give up. You'll get there x

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Quick derail question- tapping?