[Meonly76]

For as long as i can remember i have had head issues...lol but bad background doesnt a person make, so i've strived to be normal and live a normal life, hold a job down etc, but its becoming increasingly hard, and i find myself in a fragile emotional state.

I have to fix things when they are wrong, and when I say wrong I mean in my own definition of wrong, logical... not always so much lol. Mainly a problem at work, if somthing is not done how it is supposed to be i fight to contain an unrealistic rage over it, this varies from coloured flags being put in a wrong slot to missing info, its hard to explain more without giving details of my job, but i need to cheek and then correct things, if the flags are wrong (it will not cause any problems at work by being in wrong slot btw) i have to switch it to correct it. and the more of these things i come accross the more enraged i get, and some days i cant keep it inside, it pops out with anything from a snarky comment to a full blown rant. I need to have control of everything, and my office manager who has known me a very long time, she thinks its ocd related and i should see my doctor. Now I have clinincal depression and as a result had cbt for over a year a few years ago, but we never touched on my control issues etc.
Also, a side note, if i have a song in my head i have to sing it through correctly in my head, if i make a mistake i have to start again, once i do it right i need to do it a few more times to oh i dunno... seal the correctness i guess, before i can forget the song. I have read a little about intermitant explosive disorder and wondered about that also. Whatever is wrong with me i need to fix it or i will lose everything...

[mab137]

Hello

without knowing you (and of course not being licensed to diagnose) and your situation, it is difficult to be able to say for sure if you have OCD. But it sounds like you are aware of your challenges which is a great first step!!! Why did you never touch on your control issues when you were seeing your doctor? Is it possible to revisit this doctor? Due to your level of understanding and if you are willing to be motiviated it may only take a few sessions in which you could gain tools and skills to manage these issues yourself!

[Travelinglady]

We aren't able to actually diagnose here, but I agree that you need to see a therapist and figure out what's happening. Obviously whatever it is affects your life and your work, and it needs to be addressed.

Someone who has OCD might speak to this situation more, but regardless, make that call and get an appointment, since more and more symptoms keep cropping up, it seems.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Sounds a lil bit like OCD, but I think there's definitely some different stuff going on there, too. Get yourself some help, ASAP. I can't help but to wonder if in your personal life, you feel you have no control over it, and thus this need to have some order and control in your life, is spilling over into unnecessary and unimportant stuff. I have a similar issue, sometimes, I think. I have very, very little control over my life, and sometimes I get pretty irate over simple ****, because they're not how I want them.. but then again.. I do have severe OCD, so IDK if it's just that. xD Good luck, anyways.

[Meonly76]

i saw my doc yest n she said she thinks it could be ocd, and refering me for cbt.
We dont talk to doctors here in uk, each appt is 5 mins max lol, all my treatment has been around depression, but im wondering if its ocd or whatever it is thats causing the depression. control in personal life is same as work situ, i had no control over things happening through out childhood and teens, so i can kinda guess thats the control trigger, and yes unfortunately im very self aware, i just cant fix it. I do have odd stuff like if i have to stop or cant do something in particular i get a butterfly feeling that grows until im literally rocking on the spot until i do or stop whatever it is, and i sing in my head untill i get all of song with no mistakes, then i can stop. never thought of any of it it terms of ocd until my office manager pointed it out after a meltdown on friday. had an awful weekend and day yest, it seems to have brought the depressioon right to the surface, im finding myself near tears very easily at the moment and i usually have better control of myself than that.

[Meonly76]

i just find hiding these inconsiquental (to every1 but me) things from everyone at work so very exhausting.....

[Meonly76]

having a telephone 'appt' on wed with a 'psycological wellbeing practitioner' (omg what a mouthfull.) to assess my issues and decide what course to take..... i need to sit and write a list of the things i have issues with, in and out of work. I so need to be able to stop these things or at least get to a stage i dont get so angry about them not being right, or im gonna lose my job, then thats it game over for me, so its really really important it get this fixed or my life is over, dramatic thought I guess, but im so tired i cant cope with any more disruption or change, my only reason to get up each day at the moment is to go to work. Once im up its easier, but if i lose my reason, whats the point?... grrrr i hate feeling like a drama queen.

Don't worry about it for now just keep trying to work towards finding help for figuring out what it is. Give it time is the best thing to take away here. Let the process work before you start getting frustrated with lack of results or not knowing what it is that's the problem. Write out that list. I somehow didn't think to do that myself but I have been now thanks to your post.

Hopefully you can sort it out. Out of curiosity what's the song? I definitely can identify with your flags thing that even though it's technically not a problem, it is, and why can't people get it right right?

[Meonly76]

The song can vary, mostly its Charlie's enormous mouth by Frank Zappa, but can be other songs, but only songs I know the words to, so like if a catchy song gets in my head, its ok if i don't know the words, but if I do I have to sing it right in my head, i'm sure that makes no sense at all....

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

That Wellbeing thing sounds familiar. 'o.O Thought you might've been a UKer. I think they offered me something with Wellbeing, too.

Drama Queen? PAH. I've seen drama Queens and they're f**king annoying! You ain't no drama Queen, you're just someone struggling with shizz, 'kay? Drama Queens look for the first opportunity to make a big fuss out of nothing, but you are not suffering "nothing", and are simply looking for help, which is absolutely understand, not to mention admirable.

Hug your way has indeed been sent!

[Meonly76]

Yes Aku i'm from uk too. Had the appt this morning and had to do a test/score system questionaire, similar to the ones for depression, and was told scores of 40+ confirms OCD, I scored 62 so I guess thats my diagnosis... but now I can start the steps to help manage things, CBT being the most appropriate route recommended. I was relieved in a way, as I was scared I was going to be told that i'm an anally retentive leery person half the time.... Onwards and upwards as they say...

[RuralOwlUK]

Hello Meonly, I hope that your CBT goes really well. I'm currently having CBT and I am finding that it is really helping me. I wish you blessings for the journey to recovery.