Is This Good Advice or Not?

I've been given done well-meaning and I really believe, good advice by several people. My boyfriend's house, where I live, is full of trash. If you're not familiar with my situation, look in this same forum for "Living in Hell (Trash)" by me, including the updated pics near the end.

What I've been advised to do is, when my boyfriend goes on one of his longer trips, hire some college students or others who would be willing to get all the trash and cat poop out of the house. I don't have money for this, but I could save a little. Professionals want thousands of dollars, and my boyfriend didn't want anyone to see the house, so he's against hiring anyone. He's also afraid someone would get the house condemned. I don't think it's at that level yet.

But he will be furious with me if I do this behind his back. It won't matter that the house is clean again, and I wouldn't have them touch his office or bedroom. I'm not sure if he would throw me out and/or do things that will make my treasured items and me dirty in terms of my OCD (which may not be able to be reversed, as far as my OCD hours), but I worry about that.

I can't do the cleaning myself, and I'm also scared of the trips and vacations he's soon to take, leaving me to take care of the cats and bird, which is all kinds of OCD hell. Again, if you need more information, see my previous thread.

Even if I could get someone to help, should I do it? He's not going to do it, and I can't stand living like this anymore. He says he is, but it will take a long time. It's taking him forever to get things done so I can use my computer again. Some cleanup has been done (I'll post the updated areas below), but still do far to go. If I do this, I'm all alone. What do you think? These people are good and right about making a change, but I'm worried about the ramifications it'll mean for me.

Oh, and I don't know if anyone would be able to do it without the homeowner's permission. The professionals I called awhile back said they'd need the homeowner's permission.

I imagine it's illegal, yeah. You want to invite strangers into his house and have them move things around and throw stuff out. I'd call the police if you did that to me.

That's what I'd do if it were my house, too, or at least sue. It's just that so many were advising this and telling me if I want change, I have to make it happen. I have nowhere to go if I get thrown out.

I am curious, how happy are you in this relationship? The fact that you are worried he will throw you out concerns me...how good can a relationship be if you fear that your significant other would throw you onto the streets for cleaning his house?

Do you work or receive any social assistance? Maybe you could save up money to have people come clean the house while he is around to supervise the process, or save up to get your own place if you feel you can't live in this situation anymore.

I will answer this when I can keep my phone plugged in (it's dying and doesn't work for long away from the charger). Just wanted to let you know I saw your message.

ScaredandConfused, I've not been happy in this relationship or my life ever, really. We don't share the same politics or beliefs, he is controlling in some ways, gets irritated with me easily, procrastinates way worse than I do, and I've given up my young days (20s and 30s) being with him. Partially, I wanted to stop living in my mom's house at the time.

He won't let me hire anyone, even if he could supervise. He says it's because they might condemn the house, but he's also said in the past that he just doesn't want anyone to see the house, or neighbors seeing lots of bags of trash going out. I don't care what the neighbors think, but he does. Additionally, he doesn't like the judgment we might get from those cleaning the house. He says they'll "talk amongst themselves." For me, it's like, so what?

He can't even keep up with the yard, and we've gotten in trouble with that. A neighbor mowed our front lawn shortly after we first moved here, and while my boyfriend agreed it was nice, he didn't want him to do it, because my boyfriend feels it's his responsibility.

One other thing, I have always hated this house. He jumped on it without talking to me first because his first two choices for bought fast, and he didn't want to miss the opportunity. I've always been mad he didn't consult me first. I want paying for it, but I'm hours girlfriend, and it was going to be able my home, too.

Here's my plan (although some details have to be worked out): When he makes it possible for me to use my computer again, I'm going to try to make money writing and save up to move somewhere. I'm 49, and don't have time to do much with my life anymore,to build wealth (I dream) someday while I'm old enough to enjoy it.

My cats and bird deserve a better life. I don't want to lose them, but my OCD makes it hard to live with them. I have indoor cats and outdoor cats, and it's expensive and my OCD is crazy. I know if anyone saw inside our house, they'd probably take our animals away. I don't want to lose our bird most of all. He was here first. The cats were never meant to become indoor cats, but I'll spare you that story, as this is already long.

If I could make the changes necessary, I could handle so much more. My boyfriend is almost never home, and when he is, he's in his office or asleep, rarely coming out, and not saying much to me. Everything I want to do, he wants to get "over with."

I'm lonely. I don't want to lose my stuff at home and in storage (which includes things my mom left me, including stuff from my dad, as well).

I have more to say, but I'll end this here for now. Sorry so long, but I'm truly depressed and feel stuck.

Oh! In answer to your question, I get Social Security disability right now. That's all.

And if the police are called, they won't do a darn thing. All your bf can do legally is file a complaint with the police department. But I promise you, they will not take any action.

Really? I'm also afraid he'd throw me out. There has to be a solution that is faster than what we're doing now and doesn't end up with my animals being put down (if taken, I want them to have good homes, of course) and me not losing my things. I also don't want a judge to tell me I can't have any pets, because in a clean environment, I take care of them very well, and would be able to clean the litter boxes (although I do expect my boyfriend to do it sometimes, too, because the cats are half his, but I would make sure it got done if he didn't).

What I'm saying is, if your bf reports to the police that you hired people to do something in the house while he was away, the police will not do anything. Many people have the idea that the police get involved with personal situations. They don't. They won't. The only time they get involved is if there is physical abuse and someone is left with marks of the abuse on his/her body.

How can your bf throw you out?

I don't know what the law in New Jersey is, but here in California if someone receives mail at an address for three months they are considered a legal resident of that address and cannot be thrown out.

2 years ago I had a situation in which I was living in a house with my cats and a room-mate. Room-mate trashed the place. Room-mate had not payed a dime toward rent or anything else for over a year. I begged for help from the police on several occasions. There was nothing they could do. All they told me was that if I was unhappy with the situation, I (yep, I!) should move out. Bear in mind, I was paying full rent and ALL other expenses for myself and for my room-mate.

Well, one night my room-mate (who I strongly suspect was using meth) threatened me. I was really scared. I mean, REALLY scared. I put my cats in my car, grabbed my family photographs, my computer, and the very few things I could fit in my trunk and LEFT. I went to a different town and restarted my life. I notified the landlord of my previous residence that there was someone living there and I hadn't been able to get the person out.

I was DONE.

Lost most of what I had owned. Had to let it go. My cats were far more important to me than any possession I owned. I cut off all contact with my room-mate; I don't know what happened to that person. I only know that the police never did anything to assist in any way, and I know my cats and I were finally safe.

If what you say is true, that you were never very happy with your bf, and you're having to live in the horrible mess he made, and you wouldn't live like that were it not for him, what are you doing staying there? This is your life, you know what I mean?

I would move in a heartbeat had I the money to do so and still had Internet, plus room for my things (I have two storage units, one I inherited from my mom, all her stuff, yet to be gone through, and one that's all my stuff... My plan is to take what I want of my mom's and put it in my storage unit, and I'm not sure what to do with the rest. My boyfriend wants to just abandon the unit, but I feel kind of bad to do that... Maybe donate it or something), I'd move. I want to live in California or New York, with certain reservations (earthquakes, heavy snow, etc.), but that's expensive. I'm not getting any younger.

Like I said, I want to make some money writing. I also would like to get into digital art, but I need to get better at drawing before that.

I don't have money for even one month's rent anywhere. I literally have less than $25 in the bank, no cash of my own. I don't normally tell anyone my bank information like I just did, but I'm letting you know it's not just that I'm unwilling to spend the money.

I don't know about NJ law... I'll have to look into it. I thought, his house, his rules. I have lived in this house with him since he bought it, about 10 years ago, plus the apartments we've lived in.

I really feel for you; you're in deep. In all honesty, I'm not sure what kind of support you're looking for. Maybe you just need to vent.

I've vented my heart out. My boyfriend is doing a little at a time (with missing some days often), but I know it will take him years to get the house clean. Our air conditioning stopped working last year, and we've yet to get it fixed. He talks like we'll be getting it fixed soon, but I don't see how he's going to make the house clean enough to let a repair person in.

Even if he can't throw me out, he can make my life a worse hell than it is now.

Venting helps, but it's not enough.

What would you like from this forum?

I don't know. I wish someone could get me out of this mess. I wish I could do it myself, but I don't have the money and don't know how to take care of myself. I mean, I know you have to pay bills, but I'm afraid I'd forget something.

I'm so sorry, Maven.

Hey, Maven, just to let you know I'm rooting for you. Could you maybe get a call center job you could do from home? It might be a lot quicker than hoping to make a decent amount of money from writing. About 18 years ago I tried that and never got anything but rejections. I know you don't want to hear that because it's so depressing. I am just trying to think of options for you to get on top of this as quickly as possible.

Thanks, Angelique67. I'd need a new phone for that, because our landline isn't really in use now, so the phone got dusty and dirty, but that might be a possibility. I wouldn't do it with my mobile phone. I'm not at home most days once I get up and get ready to go out, but I don't *have* to go out. It makes life a little more bearable, but it's not a requirement. The only thing is, the house is already hot, and summer isn't even here yet. We can't get our air conditioner fixed until the house is in better condition. But I will look into that as a possibility.

Yes, you'd need a dedicated phone line. I hope you'll think of more options. Sorry your apartment is hot, I hate that too.

I hate kicking my cats out of my room at night. I want to share my bed with them, but my OCD is too strong. 😢

I hate myself. I have no money and I won't be able to live somewhere nice and accomplish my goals. I live in a disgusting house and my boyfriend will not let people in to help. It's so hot because we have no air conditioning. Can't get the air conditioner fixed until the house is cleaned. Boyfriend going away in a couple of weeks, leaving it all up to me. I'm so weary. I'm weak. I'm a fool. I don't know how to solve my problems.

I see my doctor today, just for a followup on my blood work.

There are moths, spiders and some other kind of tiny bugs. I want to move out. Have my own house. I don't see how I'll ever be able to do it.

I believe you will find your way with these problems. Can you stand up to get any decluttering done? And then shower?

No, I have to get all the trash up and then shower. I don't have the strength to do it every day, and I don't have my shower seat put together yet. Trash still has to be cleared out of the tub, and even though my boyfriend got a bunch of spiderwebs out of the shower, he missed the ones in the tub.

But I'm going to try to start saving money next month. Maybe I can save enough eventually.