[Ocd222]

Hi everyone. I wish someone can help me clear my mind.

I am struggling with intrusive thoughts for years. In 2009 I had my first severe bout of them. I was with someone back then and I just remember waking up one morning thinking "what if I hurt him emotionally and be the bad person"? I was off. Thoughts of I don't love him don't want him to touch me, endless crying a constant battle inside, I thought I was going mad. I was trying to feel him more , test my feelings, look at photos even smell his clothes. Whilst I was going through this my intrusive thoughts changed to what if I stab someone or myself, or jump out the window. I was in so much distress I can't even describe it. The urges felt so real. I started not approaching my balcony and avoiding knives. That's when I realised I need help and went to a phycologist but we have never put any labels on what was it that was happening to me.

Fast forward to 2017 and after bouts of intrusive thoughts for my current partner throughout the years, something terrible happened again. I was working in the office and we are on the sixth floor. I am scared of hights. For some reason I looked down the window and got the urge to jump. I always get that in high places. Ever since I am suffering with intrusive thoughts of me jumping out of a tall building. It caused panic attacks, urges, the constant doubt in my head. How did I end up here? Am I suicidal? How? This is the worst I have ever been. I was evaluated and they told me it's OCD. I have started pills and saw a clinical psychologist once so far.. But I am suffering every day. It spiralled so quickly I can't believe it. I can't even look at windows as I am getting urges to open them and my anxiety is through the roof. It's weird for me as before this happens I had health problems and I was afraid I was going to die. Maybe this triggered it? I am so scared. All I could think is I am losing my mind and I feel so alone. Any sort of reassurance is welcome. I don't know anyone who feels like me and don't know where to turn to or if there is any real treatment out there..I understand this might be triggering for some people so I am using the trigger icon.

Thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

[*Laurie*]

Hi, Welcome to PC

Yes, what you've described is very typical OCD thinking. I think it's a good thing you're seeing the psychologist. It would be great if you could find a support group. Also, google books on harm OCD and see what you can find to read about your disorder.

[Ocd222]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I am struggling so much with the "am I suicidal or not" question. I know I should stop seeking reassurance etc. but the thoughts feel so real. The urges are so real. I need to move flats and I don't want to go anywhere over ground floor.Tried Zoloft but within two days it made my anxiety worse. I am practically living with diazepam. I don't want to be on this drug..

Will see my doc on Thursday to try a different antidepressant. But I just want to ask, is it normal to doubt yourself when you have thoughts and urges like that? Shouldnt I be certain of what I am feeling and be able to differentiate thought from desire?

Sorry for the probably ridiculous questions but I am so new to this and so stressed.

[*Laurie*]

Your questions are not ridiculous at all. They are typical of OCD.

By its very nature, OCD causes people to constantly doubt themselves and their thoughts. Then what usually happens is doubting the doubting. It can feel really crazy.

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor this week.

[Ocd222]

Thank you so much for the support. Sometimes I even think I am in full agreement with my thoughts and that scares me and makes me so depressed and confused. This whole thinking is so out my character. I can surely say I feel for everyone with OCD, pure-o or not, out there. The spikes can make you feel hopeless, it feels like you are going mad.

I am so glad I have found this forum. At least here I don't feel so alone.

[*Laurie*]

OCD is a vicious disorder, in my opinion. Let me know how your appointment goes.

[Ocd222]

Hi

So I had my appointment yesterday.. I have OCD and depression and GAD. Like it cannot be any worse..I feel alone. They have me Prozac to try since Zoloft didn't work for me. Will see how that goes. My doc thinks the depression was triggered by my OCD and what happened in the last three weeks. I had low mood anyway with my health anxiety in which again I was showing symptoms of intrusive thoughts like I am going to die everything is a heart attack, I used to check my pulse 100 times a day.

I am devastated from the whole diagnosis. But the phycologist told me it gets better. But I need to make the effort. I really do feel for people with mental illness. They drain you and make you feel worthless.

[Coerulescens]

My first actual OCD thought that I had was regarding harm and knives. I felt exactly like you did about windows at that point- I was terrified to even look at knives or get near them. I thought I was going to hurt someone I loved or my pets or myself. I thought I was going insane! Then suddenly, I listened to music or watched TV or whatever and it went away.

Those kind of obsessive thoughts, for me, are long gone but they're replaced with something just as bad.

I'm not sure what to say but I completely know how you feel. For that particular issue mine just kind of went away, but then again I'm on antidepressants (Escitalopram) so maybe that helped...

[Ocd222]

Thank you so much for your reply. I do think I am going insane. I mean I knew I was suffering from intrusive thoughts but it was usually around relationships etc. I actually found out myself that ROCD exists and I am not crazy. But ever since this new thing happened I feel lost. I was not depressed before I start to have those Sui thoughts. I remember it started as a persistent thought and fear and I recognized it but suddenly I had a nervous breakdown, on the floor and crying like a baby. Terrified. No wonder my phych told me I have depression too. Those damn thoughts brought it on! I started on Prozac.. so far a bit irritability and nightmares. Not as bad as Zoloft but we will see. I just struggle with the thoughts I remember looking at pills now and had an image of taking them all!
I wish it could all go away. This is debilitating. Plus I am struggling with questions like "what if it's true and I am lying to myself" " I think of this all the time I get urges so it must be true!". I really hope therapy etc. works. Don't know what to do or what to think anymore. And nobody seems to understand..

[*Laurie*]

OCD is very debilitating, until it's under control. Thanks for the update on your appointment. I sure hope the Prozac helps you. Usually people with OCD do get some relief from SSRI's.

[Ocd222]

Well they stopped me from Prozac. I had quite bad heart palpitations and almost fainted once. I was keen to continue but they stopped me. Gave me remeron now. I don't know what to expect. How many pills do I have to change 😫😫

[*Laurie*]

You might have to try several different meds before you discover the one that works best. It's very frustrating, but most of us go through it.

[Nike007]

Hi. I'm sorry about what is going on with you. I have had the constant battle with OCD myself over the years, but it has gotten worse for me since I have moved. I moved from a quite town, with less than 50 000 people in it, and where i grew up was considered the Safest town in all of Canada, to literally the biggest city in all of Canada, where I get reports close to 3-4 times a week about all the crime that happens in the city around my school. This makes me quite stressful. I could just not open these messages, but it was very hard not to, as I feel like I need to know what is going on around me.

So I have only ever had only one emotional breakdown from these thoughts until moving, where I have had another, but I get these thoughts again daily. I get so scared. I am in the same case as you most of the time, being harm OCD. I have some other types of OCD, but they have been less significant now than they were a few years ago.

I know this will be really difficult for the next few months, as finding the right medication takes a lot of time. Believe me. For me to find a medication that worked for me was 3 months, and I am considered a lucky person.

But medication isn't the only option. As what you are doing, there is also therapy options. You could avoid the news, which tends to be more triggering to people of these thoughts. Talking to someone with an open mind about these thoughts will probably help too, even if it is not your psychotherapist.

I do wish you the best of luck, and do hope you find some relief to your suffering.

[jps123]

I was having uncontrollable intrusive thoughts with anxiety, major depression and OCD. I also have trich. I had electroconvulsive therapy and it helped. I am on clomopramine and quetiapine. SSRIs stopped working. I am doing much better and able to function. Maybe ask about clomopramine. Electroconvulsive therapy sounds scary but it isn't like in the movies at all and really helped me.

[Shazerac]

Suicidal thoughts is such a weird monster. It can come out of nowhere.

Having OCD on top of that, so you obsess with the thoughts, is a hell that I wouldn't want to go through.

When I start having SI, I try to view it as a symptom rather than the primary problem. Is something going on in my life that's stressing me more than I realize? Have I been forgetting or choosing to not take my meds. Am I afraid of losing someone? So many reasons.

But then again sometimes it just pops into my head for no particular reason . I just say well hello old friend, I'm not going with you today, so move along.