This is upsetting me so maybe this will help....

I'm posting this here...because any help or input would be helpful.

This happened a few days ago. I don't know why, but everytime I think about it...it bothers me and I cry. I don't easily cry either.

So that alone is bothering me.

My Dad...I love him a lot, but I definately get along better with my mom just personality wise. My dad is very smart...very quiet and sorta intimidating. Like mob like even.

Anyway, I think he also has some deep issues he's never confronted with depression as well. He will often talk with my mother about how unhappy he is etc., but I believe he is venting.

She will intern tell me because we are pretty close.

He's disappointed at times with my other sisters she will often say. I sometimes will often assume me as well because lets just say I have fallen into that catagory a few times at different points of my life. I feel horrible about it and I don't like to think about it.

My father will often plan things to do with the family and get excited, but quite often when the time comes he is greatly disappointed and you can see the "let down" almost like he doesn't know how to enjoy himself with his own family.

When he is with his "friends" or working and with all other people he is having a great time. It's so odd. I'm used to it though.

The one thing I have to say is. My son is very VERY special to both my parents. TOO much so even and thats because my son is disabled. THe reason I say too much is because there are other grandchildren here and well it's not such a good thing to express such favoritism.

If you do ...keep it to yourselves.

Anytime they are around my son they are completely happy.

They never call just to call...it's always about my son.

Again I'm used to this though. I will even joke about it.

Anyways, I went down the shore 2weeks ago and for those of you here that know I needed to go to the hospital. I was definately a danger to myself and was really doing very poorly.

I figured my family knew, but they didn't really know how overwhelmed I was. I drove down with my sister who insisted I go. I ended up telling her a little bit on the drive down.

She got very emotional and wanted to help me.

Well she must have told my parents who in turn realized what was going on as well.

The next week my parents took me out to dinner w/my son. My father was trying to be very supportive as was my mother.

All of a sudden my father says to me " I really enjoyed you down the shore last weekend" I for a second was so confused that I said "me?" and I looked at my son and quickly was trying to think was he there? (because my son was with my ex)

And my dad follows up with quickly "yes with you...I really had a nice time with having you down there ..we got a lot done you helped I enjoyed going out to dinner etc." and after that it was all blah blah blah.

Also, my mother with a little annoyance quickly added when I said "me?" she said "yes you?".

I could definately tell that the had a longggg conversation about me, which was later confirmed to me by my mother.

I don't know why, but that just feels so strange to me.

You have to understand my mother in all of my life has maybe said "I love you" oh maybe 5 or less times.

And my dad maybe 2?

and that statement he has never said. Not without my son there and definately not directed towards me.

And Now i keep finding myself getting emotional about it.

What is up with that?

Even right now.

*shrugs*

Sorry this was long winded.

I don't have a therapist so I just thought I could vent here.

it sounds to me like your parents are really trying to reach out to you and particularly your dad. and they probably did have a long talk about your situation. does it make you cry because you're sad/scared or that you're touched by his trying to have the conversation with you? can you tell us that? your dad may identify your depression, within himself, with his own pain and he's trying to bridge the gap that you believe exists...it certainly sounds like a strong effort to me. pat

I think if its the getting emotional cause your dad expressed happyiness and connected it to being around you sounds very normal. I havent been real close to my dad either and if he said that id be touched as well.

I was always or usually nervous (depending on my age/mood) whereas my sisters weren't.

He didn't really have patience for me when I was getting nervous around him. He would often say to me "what are you stupid"? when he was angry with me. When I was younger and in my (moods) I would rebel and rarely would come home and avoid him because of the way he would make me feel.

Probably one of the reasons I wanted to get away.

Just a lot of emotion there I guess...because deep down on the flip side I do know he cares he just has a hard time with his own emotions. I guess I have a hard time accepting at this time their care.

Their expression of love.

Like I said on the drive to the shore when I was trying to get out of the car my sister got emotional and was saying she was upset because she didn't realize I was so overwhelmed and struggling. Why wouldn't I say something or come to them?

And I was pulling away to get out. Not because I don't love her, but because I feel uncomfortalbe. She was like grabbling me ..saying "you're gonna make me cry" I couldn't even look at her.

And I do love these people ..so I dunno.

Ty pat and shaymus for your input though...b/c your both right and I know it...just hard for me. Like I said it's hard b/c I don't have a T at this time either...well for several weeks now.

Eva, it sounds to me like your family really cares and they're trying to reach out to you. Having read about your past, I don't blame you one bit for not feeling comfy around them. I went through a similar situation with my dad... except that mine was never around and when he was, well I didn't have fun... ever... so I'll leave it at that. Now that my dad is clean and sober, he's a diferent person. He's kind, loving, caring, and wise. He wants to be there for me while I'm learning to life with all the crap that's happened in my life and I'm just not comfy with it. Could this be similar to what you're feeling? I mean, if your dad made you feel stupid and angry and hurt your feelings all the time, wouldn't the natural reaction be to shy away? But remember, it sounds like he's definately trying to reach out tou you and that's a big step. Take it for what it's worth and if you can, let him be there for you. If you can't, try not to worry to much about it. It's only natural. But it does sound like you apreciate the gesture and that's a good thing. Well, I've rambled on long enough. Please keep us posted as you are going to the hospital soon. Remember that all of us here are behind you. Much love.

Ry

Ryan ...thats exactly it! ... I do not know how to except their concern and any emotion or even affection.

I mean when my son was born disabled and with serious heart problems... my dad went out and bought me a cd player...he didn't know what do do for me.

So I do know they care and love me... good people. I just don't know how to accept it without being all uncomfortably emotional or seeming like this iron cold person.

I think what I need to do is get a therapist really quick. I'm supposed to be going a minimum of 3x a week supposedly.

I am not going to the hospital I can't afford it. My family is trying to help me settle some issues that I felt were overwhelming so I'm just taking baby steps.

Thank you so much cuz that helped.

((((Ryan)))))