Addicted?

If you live a basically lonely, sedentary life, if you don't get the affection that you require, if no one sees your qualities, if your ideas seem dumb to others, if you don't get any feedback either negative or possitive from the people in your life... and you find yourself on Psych Central more than anywhere else, are you ADDICTED to the website or the people??

Isn't it safer to sit and pound away at your keyboard rather than to keep company with a neighbor that has done time for murder, no matter how kind he is to you, how affectionate, how helpful, how careful he is to not get into an anger situation, even if he behaves like the brother you always wished you had and is currently involved with another neighbor that had the hots for your hubby until this neighbor started giving her what she wants??

Do you stay safe, behind your monitor, pounding away at your keyboard... or do you go with your need for human contact?? Do you stay safe and not tread on what could be dangerous ground given the sexual abuse in your childhood that made you promiscuous until you were either married or gained enough weight to keep you safe in your cocoon?

Do you trust yourself to holler "STOP!" -- to either your heart, or the neighbor -- or do you choose the dangerous road, given the fact that the man you call your husband, who is cold and distant, lives with you?

No your not addicted you just found a safe haven with some wonderful friends
Reah

So... do I stay safe? Is that what you're saying?

Only as safe as you want to be dear heart
Reah

you stay safe as long as you need to...you'll know when you're up to getting out........okay?

I agree with Reah and Pat, both very good replies. I choose not to think of myself as addicted.

I like to think of myself as an active participant. I love being here. I love that we "interact" with one another. I can say this because I do have a lot of human contact through work, group therapy and meetings I attend in the evenings sometimes. I have a couple of close friends I can call on if I feel doing something social like dinner and a movie.

As for your neighbor, I'd be careful if I were you. Better to be safe than sorry. That's not to say you can't be friends, but I would keep a certain amount of distance there.

Is your relationship with your husband a good one? Is he your best friend? I would imagine, if so, there's a great deal of fulfillment in that relationship alone.

I don't think you're addicted to PC, it's a warm and comfortable place to be. Who can get too much of a good thing, right?
TgrsPurr. xo

September - Gawsh, I think you just did a movie about my life!.

(((((Tomi)))))

You're only addicted if you've experienced PC withdrawl symptoms So I'd venture a guess of no.

Ry

Is something that is "healthy" classified as addictive or an addiction?
TgrsPurr

Well, tgr, that's an interesting point. I certainly think it could be. I used to be obsessed with excercising, karate, music, and the likes. I'd go crazy if I didn't get my daily doses of each. Just a thought. Moderation is the key. Too much of anything is bad from what I hear. Although there are exceptions to every rule.

Ry

Well, when it comes to exercise and karate too much is harmful to the body, the musculoskeletal structure. But music? I can see if you mean that the rest of your life suffered because of it, but for the most part we can do pretty much any every day life activity and still listen to music. I don't mean to nick pick, I'm just kinda thinking "aloud" so to speak, lol.

Hey tgr, think aloud all ya want. It's welcome here. I appreciate your input. Take care friend.

Ry

ya know tomi......i don't really care if i'm addicted to the site or the people here,and i think its both for me.....the reason i come here is that once in a while someone like yourself....writes something that hits the nail on the head for me...i know that there is someone else out there going through what i'm going through...and that i'm not alone......i've been hollering "STOP" through my tears for some time now.....and tomi..you may be the only person who knows what i mean.....

Well said Julia.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Julia}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You and I have always had a connection that runs deep, like an undercurrent. PM me when and if you're ready.

Addiction versus Need. ??

Yes, I've had what you would call "withdrawal symptoms" from staying away from here...

BUT...

This is the only place I feel really cared about. This is the only place I get hugs without asking for them, even if they are cyberhugs. This is the only place where others understand me. The list goes on and on.

My relationship with this neighbor is and always will be platonic. Short of knowing I don't turn on any man, he doesn't turn me on physically. Not that IF I wasn't married and not that IF I wasn't hiding in a fat cocoon, he couldn't, you understand. But that's beside the point! I digress...

Guess what it boils down to is having someone care "with skin on." I heard a minister say that when he was talking about prayer and it not being quite enough. You need someone "with skin on." We all need the human touch.

Yes, even good things need to be done in moderation. So... where is that faint line between need and addiction? When do i bite my tongue so that I don't call out my neighbor's name so that he'll come out, sit and talk to me while I'm doing some chore outside?

Do I stay away from him because I'm married, he's involved AND done time for murder? Or do I come out from behind my safety zone and have an experience that could be very welcome. Do I have the intestinal fortitude to just be ME in front of someone that can reach out and touch me, not just physically but emotionally?

Hello Tomi --

I don't know that you can "trust your gut" on this one. I think maybe it's best to go with "just the facts, ma'am" like Joe Friday -- and I'm bettin you remember who that is.

1. He's a murderer.
2. He's involved with someone else.
3. You're married.

If you give in to your craving for warmth, touch, human contact -- what will the consequences be? Will you feel good afterward if he returns to his other lady friend? Do you want to lie and deceive your husband? What if he wants a long-term relationship and the lies and deceit are to go on? What if you beloved children find out? What if he becomes violent or unpredictable in some way?

One thing I've noticed is that often my "crushes" are more fulfilling than reality. Not that I've had a chance at fulfilling any crushes for the last 16 years. And at my age, maybe they're all used up.

In sum, I'd say go with logica and reason on this one, not with heart or intuition or need.

AHA! The voice of reason! Finally, someone has addressed the fact that he's a murderer. WOW! That sounds really harsh for the man I know!

Suppose I could cop out and say that I don't know the story behind the murder. He did 20 yrs. His open admission. Still, he took a life, right? Right. He does have a short temper and he knows it. Not making excuses, but hubby invited him to go shoot pool at a nearby bar. He declined because of the risk of someone pissing him off. He drinks, though. He's a hilarious drunk.

Actually, I answered my own questions as I read the riot act to my mentally challenged neighbor. He's taken up with a woman who is pregnant with someone else's child and, to boot, can get psychotic when she's without her meds... and she is right now. Her friends are gang members. Then it hit me!

So... what do I do with this exhuberant, murdering friend who checks on me whenever he happens to go by or thinks of me, slips my shoes on for me if I happen to want them on, runs across the street to help me out of my best friends suv when she brings me home, etc., etc., etc. How do you say "No, thank you"? He's not courting me. "That's just the way I am, 'mija'." (or "mama" depending on his mood) One time I slipped and called him "papi". That brought me up short!! It slipped out as easlily as if I'd called someone that all my life. My dad wasn't around much. Was that just "culture" speaking? Maybe... I don't know. I doubt that I would have called my dad that since he was an Englishman.

Wants2, you seem to know me as well as I know me. What's the chances of it NOT going into a crush, eh? It's not yet, because I don't think of him incessantly, my heart doesn't skip a beat when I see him, etc. But... "when you're desperate, you do crazy things." That's something else I told my MC neighbor. Yeah... I was listening to myself.

I know what the emotional consequences would be. Just like it's been every other time; hurt and disappointment. That's a given.

He hasn't left his lady friend.

Even if my husband gave a damn, I wouldn't deceive him. That's been tested and I passed the several tests, both before we split up and during the split up. Now there's now. It's just not in me to deceive him.

The only child that would find out would be my youngest because he comes around most often. Although he tells me that I should have never let his dad move back in, he would be totally disappointed in me if he even thought there was more to it than just friendship. He'll probably judge the friendship, too.

My neighbor becoming unpredictable, (he already is!) but especially violent is what has me in this quandry. The way I see it, we're already in harms way by just befriending him to the point that we have. No, that's not an excuse to become friendlier. It's a doubt that hubby and I both have. At any other point in time, I would have shunned this man. I've become less judgemental and more accepting in my old age.

Yes, I said OLD AGE. I'm almost old enough to be your mother, hun. Your chances ARE NOT used up. Please don't think that way.

The question still remains; what do I do with this kind, funny, exhuberant, caring man that has committed murder... and served his time??

tomi.........for sure i feel that undercurrent.....lol.......you and i are so much alike .....i would be asking myself all the same questions..........considering all the outcomes..........and still i would probably go against my best logic......i agree with you as far as not deceiving your husband........that seems most important to you and not under discussion..........but in my "old age", i've become more of a risk taker and i sense you may be there also.........yes. the man committed murder......but he has also paid his dues.......he seems to know his shortcomings and so do you......my motto in my "old age"......life is short and the world can be very cruel.......reaching out with the hand of friendship..well.....lol.....it ends up in a handshake.......lol

Yeah, you've got me pegged! It's really good to know I'm not alone.

After sleeping on everyone's responses and one through PM, I've come to some conclusions. In reality, my fear of this man's tendency to violence is only a small part of it. My main fear is ME, my heart, my need and my resolve; mostly my heart. One thing my mom was right about was that I wear my heart on my sleeve and beg for it to be taken. It gets broken quite often, although recently not as much because I've managed to cover it with a thin coat of cynicism. Maybe I'm expecting the same results I used to have before the breakup with my husband. Maybe I'm selling myself short. Is it worth it to trust myself and the situation and experience a friendship like I've never had before; to be nurtured, taken care of to a point, to feel cared about and feel free to be the exuberant, boisterous person I know I am deep inside?

Yes, I know there will be disappointments and hurt feelings, but I'm almost certain that those will come from my own doing. This will also be an exercise in "expectations"; when to have them and when not to; when will they be legitimate and when not.

Ok... I've run out of wind in my sails. There's just a gentle breeze blowing right now, enough to keep me on course. I'll give it a rest...

Thanks, Julia, and to everyone else that has contributed their opinions. I value them highly. Not to say I don't want them or need them anymore, though! LOL Keep 'em coming as this develops.

Mmmmm... he just came over to borrow some DVDs. Got my kiss on the top of me pointed little head. Now I smell of whatever good stuff he had on.

Checking things out... Nope! No pitter pat. Just "mmmm. Smells good!"

He saw a lizard go running as he was leaving. He extended an invitation for dinner to the lizard. "Lizard soup! Yum!" LMAO YECH!

A note on addiction to this site... Nope! As far as I can see, it's balanced. I get my hugs and appreciation here as well as in 3D. Can I help it if I get more here than in 3D? Noooo... I DO get what I need here. So what's wrong in coming to fill up my tank? Not a thing!

I'm jealous Tomi, but I'm happy for you and agree with you.

Ry

You're jealous of what, Hun? My dilema?? You wouldn't have to think twice. I do!

Besides, I can say I love you, but I can't say that about this guy.

Ok... I'm gonna shut my mouth now before I stick my foot in it.