Sometimes I feel like a forgotten person. I have some friends, and I have my Mom, but usually I am alone. I've stopped dreaming of what I want to be when I grow up. I am supposed to be taking a medical records course in a couple weeks. I don't want to. I like the idea of it...but that's it. I'm not interested. I need more purpose. I need more close relationships in my life. How do I do this? I'm sick of feeling so blah. I'm sick of feeling so scared. I'm sick of not knowing what I want in life. I am sick of making decisions, and then being unsure, and then...changing my mind. I can't make anymore decisions. I don't know what I want to be. And I'm usually only able to use my imagination to torture myself. I am sick of being alone. It just seems like there is so much to change. So many things I need to work on. I get overwhelmed. And don't want to do any of it. I...I think I missed the boat for having a family, and kids. I never wanted kids until now. It's an empowering realization. I also want a male partner and a career. But most of all, I want to be happy. I may not be able to control whether I can have kids now, which honestly, I don't want to birth a child, just have one...or if I can meet someone, I may not be able to control that. And I keep thinking...I should be able to do something with my life that I enjoy. I do not think I will enjoy medical records. Of course, I'm taking the course to find out more. But yeah. I am really sick of not working. And I am sick of being a ghost of a person who no one really knows or remembers. I need to start my life and I am scared.

[Aviza]

Look into becoming a foster parent. You can adopt through foster care. Take your class get your education afterwards train to become a foster parent. There are single people who are in foster care. Try not to put all your dreams on meeting the perfect guy.

Sure having a partner is great and can be awful if not the right person. See what dreams you can achieve on your own. If you want to be in a solid relationship first before parenting list what your ideal mate would be and date.

Just a few ideas to maybe help.

Originally Posted by Aviza

Look into becoming a foster parent. You can adopt through foster care. Take your class get your education afterwards train to become a foster parent. There are single people who are in foster care. Try not to put all your dreams on meeting the perfect guy.

Sure having a partner is great and can be awful if not the right person. See what dreams you can achieve on your own. If you want to be in a solid relationship first before parenting list what your ideal mate would be and date.

Just a few ideas to maybe help.

Thanks Aviza, I know its an option, but I want to get myself and my life together (including financially) before I come anywhere near fostering / adopting a child. In the meantime I will continue being an Auntie to my young cousins, and look into volunteering with kids.

[Marie123]

Getting some therapy could help. xo

[downandlonely]

I felt like that for a long time.

About jobs, sometimes you have to have a job that pays the bills and find fulfillment outside of work. I enjoy the volunteer work I do more than my paid job.

I considered fostering and adopting as a single parent, but I don't believe I would have the energy for it. Also, daycare is pretty expensive, a lot more than the $300 a month you now get from the government. I understand wanting to be financially stable first. I think I could handle being an aunt or godmother.

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I felt like that for a long time.

About jobs, sometimes you have to have a job that pays the bills and find fulfillment outside of work. I enjoy the volunteer work I do more than my paid job.

I considered fostering and adopting as a single parent, but I don't believe I would have the energy for it. Also, daycare is pretty expensive, a lot more than the $300 a month you now get from the government. I understand wanting to be financially stable first. I think I could handle being an aunt or godmother.

Thank you for your wisdom.

After getting this stuff out last night, I felt better. And more clear. I decided to continue with the class. There are interesting parts to it, and I will find out if its right for me.

I misspoke, also, about wanting kids. I sounded so sure about that in my OP but the truth is, I was feeling really alone and purposeless. I'm happy to be the awesome Aunt and to volunteer with kids.

I agree that sometimes you have to go the practical route regarding jobs, too. Something that pays the bills - fulfillment outside work sounds great to me. Thank you for this reminder.

Aviza, I forgot to say, you're right about the partner thing too. Having one can be great but it can also be awful with the wrong person.

I found this:
How to Find Your Purpose in Life

[downandlonely]

That was a good article.

I'm also glad you're feeling better!

[Mendingmysoul]

You said you have your mom.I find you very lucky.Are you close to her?Can you share your deepest thoughts and feelings with her??Hang in there,you will find your purpose.The feeling of blah will go away for sure.You could find some real or volunteer work that involves kids.kids are bundles of joy.

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

You said you have your mom.I find you very lucky.Are you close to her?Can you share your deepest thoughts and feelings with her??Hang in there,you will find your purpose.The feeling of blah will go away for sure.You could find some real or volunteer work that involves kids.kids are bundles of joy.

Thank you for the perspective. Yes, I am close with my Mom.

[sarahsweets]

Aw man @WovenGalaxy that is a lot to have percolating in your head, you must feel exhausted sometimes!

I need more purpose. I need more close relationships in my life. How do I do this?

Do you need more purpose as in employment and coworker friends? Or do you mean something more altruistic?

I am sick of being alone. It just seems like there is so much to change. So many things I need to work on. I get overwhelmed.

What is one thing you think you need to change and one you think you need to work on?

And don't want to do any of it.

I never wanted kids until now. It's an empowering realization. I also want a male partner and a career. But most of all, I want to be happy. I may not be able to control whether I can have kids now, which honestly, I don't want to birth a child, just have one...or if I can meet someone, I may not be able to control that. And I keep thinking...I should be able to do something with my life that I enjoy.

I am not saying this is you but do you think your desire for the "typical" kids and a man is truly YOUR desire? Is it possible its maybe some of your desire mixed in with societal expectations and what society says we should want?

I do not think I will enjoy medical records. Of course, I'm taking the course to find out more. But yeah. I am really sick of not working.

Are you taking the course so you can work and earn money? Was it one of those " well it might as well be medical records" I know we all need money but are you absolutely desperate with no help at all?

And I am sick of being a ghost of a person who no one really knows or remembers. I need to start my life and I am scared.

I totally get the feeling of being a ghost that no one remembers. Whether its true or not its still gotta hurt your soul a lot.

I do not have the ultimate solution but I have one that has paid off 100 fold or more. Volunteer. Give the gift of your time. And I dont mean twice a year at the soup kitchen or ringing the salvation army bell at Christmas. I mean something that will make a small,tiny difference all the way up to a huge one. I have all sorts of referrals and resources for this. I will check what state you are in and you can pm me if you want.
It doesnt have to be elaborate or even cost money. It doesnt have to be something that anyone knows about(the best kind!) and ideally it would involve at the very least another person (often many) and since the common goal is the same- feel better by doing better- youre more likely to meet genuine like-minded people. I have always been a "helper" sort of person but the door officially opened when I got sober. Yes all the AA stuff and helping other alcoholics is something the 12 steps promotes- it became something that moved my soul so deeply that I have never experienced anything else like it. There are no "requirements" like time or how much/many types of things you do. IN FACT if you are involved doing something and you are surrounded by people who talk about what they have done, how much time, etc I urge you to move along for some 'real' people. If you have to brag about it then you are in it for the ego strokes and for ways to prop up your waning self esteem.
And if you are someone with SA issues or feel awkward I promise it will get easier.

I want to highlight this one thing: I dont mean people should volunteer so they can see how "poor" or bad other people have it and then sigh in relief that their lives dont suck like that. No comparisons are welcome or needed. This is about one human showing love, compassion and empathy for another human. Almost like-(whatever you believe a soul is)- If one soul intuitively knew and felt the other souls' pain, heartache and sorrow along with their joy, contentment and peace all at once; with no words, just feelings- to me that is how I see and feel about giving my time or resources. Maybe I am not making sense....

I guess I mean a human to human kindness and connection needs no words....

Anyhow I could go on an on or toot my own horn but if you want to discuss this more pm me. xxxooo
-sweets

[MuseumGhost]

Dear Woven:
I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I was feeling this way in my early thirties. It was such a "stuck" feeling.

We tell ourselves everybody else has got it so great. But scratch the surface, and you find an awful lot of people, even though they "have it all", are secretly very unhappy/ disillusioned/ overwhelmed in their lives. So, resist the urge to compare yourself with others, and what they "have" or "don't have". That's a huge waste of energy and time.

After a series of disastrous and self-esteem-threatening relationships, I gave up looking, and concentrated on other things in my life. I was no dummy; but I just never seemed to meet the right people. Even smart women can be fooled! I came to the conclusion that I needed to learn to be my own best friend, and to give myself the validation and courtesies I had been doling out, very generously, to the wrong people for so long.

The details tend to work themselves out, when your priorities are in the right place, believe it or not.

Wishing you the best on your journey!

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs, Woven

Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm so touched.


Sometimes...I just have no idea what to do with myself. I think because I have no structure to make up my days. I find it hard to create that structure on my own and stick to it. It's much easier to have to be somewhere.


Volunteering is a good idea. I volunteered for over 2 years at this place, and then they had a change in staff and a new volunteer coordinator, and I went from volunteering on a weekly basis (just 2 hours usually, but it was something) to 0. I am looking into volunteering other places.

[Discombobulated]

Volunteering was the best thing I ever did @WovenGalaxy I had to try a few things before I found the one that was a good fit for me - you sound like you have so much to give. Maybe this is part of your sadness? That you know you do have a lot to give and need to find a place to direct it?

I have felt that ghost feeling, I was married with a child at the time, but my husband couldn’t be everything for me, and my child was growing up and didn’t need me like before. It’s quite a common feeling I think, for so many of us at different points i our lives. You aren’t alone at all in these feelings.

[downandlonely]

I volunteer on weekends, because I need the routine. Luckily, I can volunteer on Zoom, so I didn't have to give it up with the pandemic.

[RoxanneToto]

I would agree volunteering can give one a sense of purpose and achievement, as well as being an opportunity to foster relationships, depending on the setting. I can relate to the feeling of being a “living ghost”. It’s hard to find a good “tribe”, to be honest. But they are out there. The only way to get lucky is to keep looking until you find them.

Thank you all for your kind words. Though I'm sorry a lot of you have experienced it too, it's good to know I'm not alone in this feeling.

[MuseumGhost]

It can take some time before we genuinely get our bearings. It happens to many people.

Perhaps keeping a simple journal might help sort some things out for you. It's a very healthy habit, and can un-tangle a lot for us. It can also reveal things to us that would take much longer to become apparent if we didn't write it out.

Originally Posted by MuseumGhost

It can take some time before we genuinely get our bearings. It happens to many people.

Perhaps keeping a simple journal might help sort some things out for you. It's a very healthy habit, and can un-tangle a lot for us. It can also reveal things to us that would take much longer to become apparent if we didn't write it out.

That's a good idea. I actually started a mood journal recently.

So I wanted to give an update on school. I decided not to take the medical records class. I don't think its for me. I don't think medical anything is for me, personally. My new plan is to keep looking for work, and take some free online college classes, and explore / research a bit. In May, I will reassess. I'm also going to look for volunteer work and exercise - it helps my mood and helps me have more days that are better.

[downandlonely]

I'm glad you're looking into volunteering. I think it will help your mood.