It's Not About Me - A Gentle Challenge to Self

I've issued a challenge to myself today, and am posting here both to work it out further in my thoughts, and to invite anyone in who wants to comment and reflect on this theme.

It's not about me.

See, for various reasons, sometimes I tend to think it is. About -me-. That voice will go something like........"Emergency! Look, look, look what they wrote/said! It's true! I am bad, stupid, unwanted, mistaken, not good enough not strong enough not sick enough not well enough! Look! I must think on this long and hard, I must protect, I defend and debate, oh gods they can see who and what I am, emergency!" This all translates as tension, stress, anxiety, depression, being triggered, hypervigilance, and all the rest.

So. There I am, totally taking in a brief interaction with someone else, and I'm at World War 5 level stress already

I know why I do this. I know my childhood history, I know of various adult traumas, I know the world can be a challenging place. So, I don't necessarily need to rework all that other than to remind myself....."Oh yeah. I've been here before. Hmm, maybe I can do something different this time.".

Next, I can stop staring at the whatever I read on my monitor, I can excuse myself from the person in front of me, I can deflect and deter and just sorta.....amble away. Refocus. Collect myself and make a choice.

Cause if I allow all that anxiety and emergency and It's All About Me! stuff to keep cascading and building, it will take longer to get to choice, and I'll have really done my body a disservice. It don't need to be flooded with anxiety so constantly.

Okay. I've moved away. I've unplugged. Now I redirect.

Am I hungry? Time to eat. When did I last have some water? What's the weather like, what does the sky look like? Am I in the mood for music? Let's experiment here, I know the probable results of my past way of coping, how bout I try something that tends to work better? Am I breathing in a relaxed manner? La la la, what would be fun to do right now, for me?

It's not about me. I don't need to worry about possibly missing some grand cosmic message, if someone or something really does need to get through to me, they will. For now, I don't need to scan through all input as if it might be messages of dire portent and emergency. It's not about me. Sure, the other person used my name, pointed the words towards me, is looking at me........but you know what? I -still- have choice. I have boundaries, yup yup. I can pick and choose. And maybe I really would do better to just amble away, whistling, and go look at the birds on the cedar tree outside.

Eventually it is time for treats. For applause, for declaring to myself: "Yay Team!". To pin this episode of healthy habit building down with maybe a journal entry, a reward of some simple yet pleasing sort, perhaps the sharing of my Aha! moment with friends.

I am not new at habit change, I am not new at learning how to survive and thrive. Yet every step is new, every breath is a gift, and birds are sure fun to watch in trees.

i agree...good post.alot of good thoughts for us to consider..thanks for posting

That's a great post, Sarah! Very thought-provoking. It's good too that you've recognised that in yourself and can react accordingly... a real achievement .

Very good. This site does provide the venue for so many others... that it, as a site, IS all about them. Also, what you showed from your statement is, the reverse... the site can be here, it can go on without us... my therapy, my self care is all about me.... You divided the line quite aptly, imo. tc

I am in agreement
Angie

Excellent and wonderfully written.

Thank you.

It is a great post....kinda like when I posted the "feels good to feel good". Going out into the world doing the things that make US FEEL GOOD, rather than dwelling on this site & posting, waiting to see how our thoughts are responded, posting replies & waiting to see how our responses are related to, all the time maybe not realizing the tension we are feeling in this process.

There is soooooo much more to life than that....& recognizing the things that really make us feel good are where we should put out efforts. We should find those places that reduce our stress, anxiety, depression, & triggers. Only we can define where our places like that exist, & for our own health & well being should spend most of our time in those places so we can start FEELING GOOD.

Once we can realize that we can FEEL GOOD, we can then allow ourselves to continue to go there & continue FEELING GOOD rather than dwelling in a place that focuses on our problems. Once we know how great that GOOD FEELING is, we owe it to ourselves to allow us to continue feeling that way. Otherwise, we are abusing ourselves by denying our emotional improvement.

It is great to find out that other people are experiencing these feelings too. I am thinking that these are good steps towards healing.

Debbie

Thank you everyone for feedback and sharing, much appreciated.

Debbie, I agree, I believe being able to redirect our focus, to shift gears and activity, all great tools in our self care tool-kit.

On the theme of -feeling good-, I've been thinking on how, for me, developing the ability to if nothing else, to -feel different-, is a great step. For instance, after I take a walk and enjoy the spring flowers, the music I am listening to.......I may still not feel fantastic, *but* something has shifted round for me, I feel different, inspired. Energy is moving.

And I am grateful for that even. Sure, I may still have various uncomfortable and even painful symptoms, but I've changed my perspective and thrown open a window to allow the world to dance with me once again.

(Not even sure what that last sentence quite means, but I understand it somehow, will leave it alone. I figure Sunday mornings we get permission. *Grin*)

Sarah

Sarah,

I really like your last sentence even though you are not sure what it means....you are correct. It is true that feeling good or at least different (in a better sort of way) only lasts for so long. The symptoms & feelings are still there because they are part of us too, but at least we know where to go for some relief. And allowing ourselves a time for relief is what we owe our mind. Being able to sense the good feelings again is the step we all need to take towards healing.

I know that spending time with my horses & concentrating on my riding techniques & memorizing my dressage tests doesn't allow anything else into my mind...it gets full of the information.....however when I am not concentrating of other things, sometimes the depersonalization comes back & the nightmeres are there nightly. I think until the problem issues can be put into their place, it is good to feel some of the bad...it reminds us that we still need to work on those issues too, but not to dwell on them all the time.

I am reading a book by Bourne which seems to help put a little perspective on our feelings too, kinda saying the same thing I did. I read it after I wrote these things....geeze, I should have gone into psychology since I know the right words to say even though I can't put it into practice often enough.

However like you, when we find those things that will release us from those bad feelings in order to know what the good, or even better, feels like again, it helps us know what we need to strive for.

I am glad you have found a way to feel better. With practice hopefully we can be able to move farther & farther away from the bad feelings.

Debbie

today, i worked quite hard on finishing the wonderful, escape proof, yard for my cats..at the new house. it was very difficult work and my back hurt like crazy. but the joy that i have in enabling the cats to be outside, safely, overrode any pain and frustration that i had. it kept me occupied for most of the afternoon. my son in law helped by trimming and mowing and then he put down granules for ticks.....we kicked butt today!! it felt good to not think about my illness.........and it is going to be so cool for my kitties.

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Sure, I may still have various uncomfortable and even painful symptoms, but I've changed my perspective and thrown open a window to allow the world to dance with me once again.

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Absolutely LOVE IT! Isn't it us, after all, that move away from the rest of the world?

I saw an eagle today. Sitting on my fence. I just looked at it and then it flew away. I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed looking at this eagle! It's nice to take pleasure in the simple things.

Really awesome post. I think we could all benefit from it.

Thanks!

I love seeing eagles, don't see them all that often, but when I do, they astound me. Sometimes see them flying overhead, also saw one on a perch pole down by the inlet.

Sounds like a wonderful day, productive. I know how that is, that decision to do what we need to do, and even enjoy the fruits of our labor, even though we may be achy and burnt out physically by it.

The kitty cats now need to walk methodically along your back and give you a purr massage.

This is OT but...

I wouldn't mind seeing an eagle on *my* fence. I've never seen a wild eagle before. Seeing one would make me ecstatic for weeks, lol... not that I have any chance of seeing one where I live... in the city right now lol.

Oh see, we can make it on topic see, cause in first post I mentioned liking to watch birds.

Do you ever see any hawks flying overhead? I'm in a medium sized city that is sorta cut in half by an inlet, we see blue herons down there and very occasionally an eagle. Also up on the state capitol grounds have seen hawks or eagles flying round.

Oh and here is how I can further weave it all back into topic, we are participating in thinking on what we enjoy, what we value, and what is not about taking things overly personal and stressing ourselves out unduly.

haha, I sometimes see kestrels... and grey herons too, sometimes... usually smaller birds though like sparrows, blackbirds, and other birds (gah my stupid memory won't let me remember, grrrr) but anyway... there are quite a few birds in my area when I live at home... on the edge of the countryside... at least I remember where I live, lol... but I love watching them in the garden... it makes me feel at peace... I love bird-watching, especially when I go somewhere different and try to spot unusual birds...

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I've issued a challenge to myself today, and am posting here both to work it out further in my thoughts, and to invite anyone in who wants to comment and reflect on this theme.

It's not about me.

See, for various reasons, sometimes I tend to think it is. About -me-. That voice will go something like........"Emergency! Look, look, look what they wrote/said! It's true! I am bad, stupid, unwanted, mistaken, not good enough not strong enough not sick enough not well enough! Look! I must think on this long and hard, I must protect, I defend and debate, oh gods they can see who and what I am, emergency!" This all translates as tension, stress, anxiety, depression, being triggered, hypervigilance, and all the rest.

So. There I am, totally taking in a brief interaction with someone else, and I'm at World War 5 level stress already

I know why I do this. I know my childhood history, I know of various adult traumas, I know the world can be a challenging place. So, I don't necessarily need to rework all that other than to remind myself....."Oh yeah. I've been here before. Hmm, maybe I can do something different this time.".

Next, I can stop staring at the whatever I read on my monitor, I can excuse myself from the person in front of me, I can deflect and deter and just sorta.....amble away. Refocus. Collect myself and make a choice.

Cause if I allow all that anxiety and emergency and It's All About Me! stuff to keep cascading and building, it will take longer to get to choice, and I'll have really done my body a disservice. It don't need to be flooded with anxiety so constantly.

Okay. I've moved away. I've unplugged. Now I redirect.

Am I hungry? Time to eat. When did I last have some water? What's the weather like, what does the sky look like? Am I in the mood for music? Let's experiment here, I know the probable results of my past way of coping, how bout I try something that tends to work better? Am I breathing in a relaxed manner? La la la, what would be fun to do right now, for me?

It's not about me. I don't need to worry about possibly missing some grand cosmic message, if someone or something really does need to get through to me, they will. For now, I don't need to scan through all input as if it might be messages of dire portent and emergency. It's not about me. Sure, the other person used my name, pointed the words towards me, is looking at me........but you know what? I -still- have choice. I have boundaries, yup yup. I can pick and choose. And maybe I really would do better to just amble away, whistling, and go look at the birds on the cedar tree outside.

Eventually it is time for treats. For applause, for declaring to myself: "Yay Team!". To pin this episode of healthy habit building down with maybe a journal entry, a reward of some simple yet pleasing sort, perhaps the sharing of my Aha! moment with friends.

I am not new at habit change, I am not new at learning how to survive and thrive. Yet every step is new, every breath is a gift, and birds are sure fun to watch in trees.

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This is a beautiful post (the reason I quoted it in full). I think it would be equally at home in the creative corner.

My principle comment is that I had a similar discussion with myself on the way home from work this morning. Imagine what it's like being in a small room with there being only one other person whom you don't really know to talk to for eight hours. I'm constantly monitoring my behaviour, my speech, etc. My relief arrived before his did today so I was able to leave 10 minutes ahead of him. I couldn't help thinking, I wonder if they are talking about me? Stupid, I know.

I've not had much success with the method you describe. I think it is because, unlike you, I have no idea what it is about my past that causes me to be like that. Anyway, enough about me.

Great post. It will help me renew my efforts.

Wow! That was a really powerful post, so full of hope. This is something that I really need to work on, so thank you for posting that, I will save it so I can look back on it when I need a gentle reminder. Thanks, SarahL! HUGS!

Rebound,

Thanks so much for taking the time and all to give me feedback, much appreciated.

I've got some suggestions, feel free to ignore them if they aren't helpful of course, I'll put it in terms of what I hope I would eventually do if possible, in your situation. Oh first I gotta give you kudos for persisting in that work situation, sounds like it could be tough for most anyone! Maybe an extrovert that loves to just babble away and doesn't care what others think might thrive there, dunno.

Hopefully I'd acknowledge to myself that I am in a work situation that stresses me, and if there was any way to have our supervisor change things round, would ask for that.

Probably that would not work, so my next plan would be to pay attention to how I talk to myself. Am I encouraging and supportive in my mind, or do I berate myself and beat myself up? This can be tricky stuff for me, see, it's important that I also not beat myself up for.....beating myself up! I'd pay gentle attention to myself on this theme for awhile, then look into some cognitive behavioral type workbooks and see what exercises I can use that apply. I'd work on challenging my negative thoughts about self and coming up with what works better.

And now for some humor, not at all making light of your situation, more an acknowledgement of how I'd most likely be in your shoes...........I'd wear dark glasses, maybe a trench coat, spend most of my time under a counter or desk waving a white flag, and search out invisibility spells for workplace application.

Good luck with it all, helps me to know that others are struggling with similar challenges, we are all unique individuals yet we are also all human beings doing the best we can.

Sarah

Thanks on back! (((((((complic8d)))))))

i beleive I just read the original post for the first time and so very glad to have read. Really came in handy just now. Thank you for it.

i wear trifocals (hate them) and today, the doctor said, "why are you looking at me so funny?"....it's hard to not take things personally, with him, but i managed to laugh and explain my glasses. he is continually looking for signs of disrespect from the employees. never mind, that he disrespects us and the patients on a daily basis. so, i did have the thought in mind, that it isn't always about me....that helped.......thank you, Sarah Jane!!!!!!!