Balancing Experiencing Negative Emotions and Getting Things Done

I recently ended an almost decade long relationship with an addict that needed to end. I'm isolated and feel lost, and am trying to figure out how to move on in a healthy way. I have very little experience with this. I usually run to something new (new place, usually) to distract me so I can avoid having to deal with negative emotional stuff.

My current problem is that I feel some tension between the need to experience the emotions associated with ending this, and the need to avoid getting so wrapped up in them that I'm not able to function. It seems obvious that it can't be healthy to let myself be so broken up by this that nothing gets done and life just stops.

So how do people balance this? I don't just mean when a relationship ends, but generally when experiencing emotions associated with any difficult event.

I guess the question is, "How do you tell when experiencing an emotion is necessary and appropriate and when it's part of an unhealthy extreme that needs to be mitigated somehow?"

I think when it reaches the point, where it's interfering with your normal life, then it's unhealthy and the person needs to decide whether they need help. In your case it's natural to go through that mourning process, even if it was a toxic relationship. Sometimes with toxic relationships, there's usually, some co-dependancy, enabling or the 'rescuer mentality'. This could explain that 'lost feeling' you're experiencing. It would be valuable for you, to think about what role you played in the relationship, so you can avoid picking similar partners in the future.

You might find it helpful to start a journal where to talk about your feelings and when you put it away - this could be your way of saying "I'm done thinking about this for the day"- then go on with your plans. I hope this helps and best of luck.

Lynn, you are very right - there was a lot of enabling going on. I came up with some way to "deal" with what was going on, and sacrificed myself in the process. I fixed things to a crazy degree, and gave up a *lot* to keep things going. I have been thinking about this since we split, trying to get a handle on how I allowed it all to happen, and to go on for so long.

The funny (not "ha ha" funny) thing is, in the process of learning to "deal" with his addiction, I've learned to turn off my emotions and can basically "cut off" from them at will. When I start feeling bad enough, I have the option of not feeling it any more. It's really weird - I'm trying very hard not to do this, as I think it's seriously unhealthy... but I can stop the emotions from interfering with life, with relatively little difficulty.

I appreciate the suggestion of a journal. I've been doing it some, but not regularly enough. I have a tendency to pull out a pen when things are particularly bad, but forget to do it when I'm "ok".

I felt so trapped for so long - I grew to hate him. But now that we are separated sometimes its hard not to think about the good parts of him. This scares me because I don't want to get sucked back into it.

Usually with toxic relationships, there an incredible amount of drama and sometimes drama itself can be addictive - for some people especially those with the rescuer mentally, it becomes their main sense of purpose in life - trying to fix that person. So when the person finally leaves this kind of relationship, it's very common to feel empty. Those relationships are very consuming and the person's left with the feeling of - 'what now'? It's natural to go through weak moments when you remember the good times - no one's all bad, it's just the addiction that brings out the worst in them.

It takes time to get over relationships and you'll go through many different emotions, having good days and bad ones. Do you feel like you're coping well and it's not interfereing with other parts of your life? Is he going to seek treatment for his addiction? It's good to talk about your feelings - like you said so well, you got used to shutting your own feelings down because it was always, all about him. So now you need to learn how to be comfortable with your feelings, which is why you're wondering - how to tell the difference betwen normal grieving and abnormal feelings. Now you know you're safe to let everything out. You did the right thing in getting out and best of luck ((Sno-White)).

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
~C.S. Lewis

Thanks so much for "talking" with me Lynn...

You asked how I am coping, and the extent this is interfering --

I am more distracted at work than I'd like. I can get by - but I am not as focused, and in that sense this is interfering. It isn't so bad that I'm not getting anything done, but my productivity has dropped. Most of the time I can force myself to concentrate and at least hammer something out. I can skate by this way, I'm not in danger of getting fired, but I don't like it. I'm naturally kind of an overachiever and giving myself permission to be less than 100% is not something that comes easily.

I live a pretty isolated life - there isn't much more than work and solitary stuff. I've been sort of forcing myself to do the 'solitary stuff', I don't have much drive for it lately, but if I do nothing I'll end up feeling worse.

I have a friend or 2, and am continuing regular contact with them. That is mostly email, I don't get out much but have been trying to do it occasionally.

I've been trying to lean on my friends, and I have been being honest with them for the first time ever about what was going on for all those years. I don't think they really understand just how much emotional damage maintaining this relationship has done. I don't know how to explain it really. It's hard just being honest about it at all - after hiding so much so long. But, I don't think I'm going to get through this without some support.

I am not very good at this whole "accepting / asking for help" thing. It is new to me, frankly. To the extent I have other's in my life, I am usually the one other's lean on, (as you might guess from my having gotten myself into the whole enabling-thing in the first place.)

Ending this has changed many things for me, I guess trying to be more open and honest with my friends is just one in many. I don't even know what normal feels like any more. Like you said, I'm very accustomed to having everything be about *him* and now I have to figure out what I'm all about. It is terrifying, really, and I am living with this constant low level of anxiety that periodically is, well, not low.

When I was a teenager, the Simon and Garfunkel song, "I am a rock" was kind of my theme song-- or at least one of them. This quote epitomizes why it was so attractive.... I have mostly gotten over this particular malady, but I can't say I'm much in the mood to go out and fall in love again.

(Epitomizes why, with the exception of the irredeemable part... I would never have admitted that.)

I do not think I am actually addressing your questions. Nonetheless, as an overview, I found this article helpful: http://health.ivillage.com/slideshow...l_network.html

Sno-White, I don't blame you for having some reservations about the "irredeemable" part of the Lewis quote. It jumped out for me, too, and the first thing I wondered was, "How did Lewis know that? -- if he even knew it." I think of that quote as not the truth but at best a steppingstone to the truth, along the lines of a story you tell yourself to make yourself feel better and/or to scare you away from making some choice that you believe will be bad for you. Did Lewis "irredeemably" harden his own heart and then come back to write about it? I doubt it. It sounds to me as if he was telling himself (and his readership) the story, not necessarily true, that he found it most useful to believe at the time: "I feel like hardening my heart but I know I mustn't, so I'll just remind myself how awful it'll be if I do." Paul Simon may or may not have been speaking for himself (and may or may not have had the Lewis quote in mind) when wrote his song about being a rock/island; it's certainly on the same theme.

I personally prefer a very different statement of that same theme:I haven't seen the book with the original Lewis quote but in a longer excerpt [Google-cached version -- the original seems to have been moved] Lewis (who was theologically inclined anyway) goes on to compare the hard-heartedness he's warning against to theological hell. Fair enough, and no doubt useful to someone who shares his point of view. I note with amusement in the C.S. Lewis Wikipedia article that...I've long been very fond of William Blake's writings and consistently found them more useful (to me personally -- YMMV) than Lewis's. What that suggests to me is that Lewis and I have differing views of what's good, true, and useful. I'd recommend that rather than side with either of us in believing or disbelieving anything about yourself, you consider your options and choose for yourself.

I actually meant to respond to this before the C.S. Lewis quote:
I'm curious how you came to think this might be unhealthy and, more important, how you'd go about determining if it actually is or not.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can be distressed *and* get things done. I know that sounds simple, but it does enable me to keep moving. The feelings are validated by this, I suppose. And it can help too. I have worked through many things while washing dishes...

You are going through a great emotional time right now. Your long term relationship just ended and you are adjusting. It takes time. Maybe this is a time when being with yourself is healing and that's what's needed. Processes take time. Adjusting takes time. Moving on is a process and it takes time too.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply! I have been out of town away from the web and thus unable to reply to all the thoughtful comments...

There is so much in here - I will read and respond properly later today, when I have time to think everything through properly.

Hello Sno-White,

One of the kindest, most important gifts you could possibly give to yourself at this time is to read up on co-dependency. Your life with your ex is a textbook example of the phenomena of co-dependency and finding out as much as you can about it will help you tremendously in remapping your life. A good starting point is Melody Beattie's original work "Codependency No More". She has written many others since then but this particular one is excellent. There are so many other factors involved in your life which you have so eloquently described but I think that this would be an excellent place to start giving yourself some solid support and at least a direction in which to begin. I wish you only good things in the future.