Change Birth Name???

I have been thinking of changing my first and last name. I do not need an alias but I have spent most of my adult life away from my extended family, especially my abusive mother. I am being forced to live for only me and since I have no plans on ever seeing my mother again it might make me feel like me? I am 100% serious about this. Has anyone ever tried this? If so, how did you feel later? I am in a lot of emotional pain and I can't figure out how to get out of it...

I have thought about this, many times. I write a lot and often times I create characters that I can really relate to and they have pieces of me that I want to thrive on rather than have shadowed by my constant mental troubles. Sometimes, just for fun, if a stranger asks me for my name (and I know I'll never see them again), I'll lie and tell them a random name. It does feel a bit uplifting and it makes me take on a persona of someone who I feel I really am rather than someone who is trapped in my depressed mind.

I probably would never follow through with it but maybe you can try going by a different name to strangers you encounter and go off of that? It'd give you a sense of what it'd be like.

I guess you would have to look at my bio and some of my posts to understand. I could never please my mother and she was very abusive to me as a child and still today and I am 47. I know I never want to see her again. She doesn't know me and she thinks I am some kind of monster or something. She doesn't even like her own grandchildren. My daughter is a pretty natural blue eyed blonde and she claims I bleach her hair every other week. I will talk to my retired therapists and my pastor and I will pray about it but I just want to cut her and a few others out of my life so I can have some closure. My mother betrayed me in a horrible way. Mosts loving mothers wouldn't do things to deliberetly hurt their kids no matter how old they are.

I guess my question would be why are you changing your name? Is because you don't want her to be able to find you or because you hope it will be cathartic to healing? In any event it's ultimately your decision. I can see that changing your name may be representative that you starting a new, but it won't be a magic fix (not that you assume so just felt it important to point it out), kind of like some people think getting a tattoo and then they regret it. I hear it can be frustrating because friends and family you would like to have in your life will have a very hard time locating you. Just food for thought. I hope you the best.

I guess it's because my name *** looser. That's what my name means to me. That's how my own mother treats me. She has been shoving me away since as far back as I can remember, maybe 5 yrs old. I was s\the middle child and was treated like a middle child. If something happened in the house she blamed me of course. My older sister just stood there and let her blame me for things she did. I mean I could go one and one. I forgave her for the horrible childhoood but then she really blew it big time. I mean it would take a true miracle for me to just forgive her and I don't think I can. I am in some serious emotional pain. I feel the name change would give me some closure and honestly I want her to cry at night like I have cried because of how she has treated me. Ok, I will admit I want to hurt her emotionally too. I don't know. It's just a thought. I was in court one day and heard a women come in and do it. I thought she was very brave.

Just curious? You mentioned that you feel changing your name would give you some kind of closure and, it sounds like, justice as well...as you feel it could hurt your Mother.

I can fully understand the desire to change you name. I too have thought about changing mine. I still may in the future.

I'm just wondering if you think changing your name will make your Mother treat you any better than she does now....or if you're even planning on remaining in contact with her.

If she is the type of person to blame you for everything, she might very well attempt to use this name change as a way to make you feel guilty by telling you what a horrible person you would be.

You wouldn't be a horrible person of course, but I could see this happening.

Ultimately, it's your choice. Just thought I'd offer some food for thought.

Quote:

I will talk to my retired therapists and my pastor and I will pray about it but I just want to cut her and a few others out of my life so I can have some closure.

You may get some relief from changing your name. I doubt a name change will bring closure. Until you deal with the anger, bitterness and hate, your mother will always be close by.

Hating people is like burning down your house to kill a rat.
-- Henry Fosdick.

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
-- Cindy Clabough.

Would you feel completely lost if you changed your name? When I got married, I changed my name (last). I loved my husband, but for many years I felt lost, like a part of me was gone. Your situation is different, it sounds as if you want that part of you gone. I don't know if you can achieve that through a name change. It sounds like you have to get rid of the bitterness (however deserved, bitterness only hurts you) and then maybe make that choice?

I am sorry you have been so hurt by your mother, I do understand somewhat. I haven't spoken to my own in years and she lives in another state..thankfully. Terrible childhood, abuse and more abuse...it hurts.

Think it through very carefully, you will be giving up who you are, maybe the best thing is to reclaim yourself...

My husband did change his name legally when he was about 22. He was named after his father, a very abusive, drunken man, and had always hated the constant association with his father.

I wouldn't say it brought him closure, but it did bring him some relief from that constant reminder of his father. Don't expect the name change to solve your problems. It won't. But, if you consider it a start as being really you, I personally don't see any problem with it.

He received some flack from members of his family, but that was to be expected. The dysfunction in that family is horrendous. He just stood his ground and what choice did they have but to go along. Every now and then one of them will call him Junior. It's just that way. But he doesn't even think of himself at all by that old name anymore. He's been his new name longer now than he was his old name.

I know your going to think I am really crazy but I am seriously thinking of changing my first and last name. I have been thinking about changing the first name for a long time. I need to get rid of M***** because the kids are grown and I refuse to take the T***** name. There isn't one person who knows me by T***** that even gives a crap about me except for you. I am so hurt and angry about what Mother did I want to disconnect from her forever. I don't want to be her child anymore. A caring mother would never go out of their way to destroy their child and try to get them to hurt themself. She and L**** want me dead. I will talk to my pastor and my therapists before I do it. Since I have no family left what would it matter anyway? I messaged cousin Lisa on FB a couple of weeks ago asking her to please not judge me based on my mother's opinion. It wasn't a hate letter. I was just telling her about me, the real me that that Mother doesn't know or want to know. I gave it about a week and she never responded. I was so afraid to go on FB I thought she had unfriended me. I am sure Mother has told her to make sure no one see's my wall posts. I will never know because Lisa has never wrote back. So I messaged her again. I told her I was glad she didn't unfriend me. I told her I was hoping to hear from her and again I have not. I know Mother. I know she runs her mouth to everyone, not caring if she hurts them or not. I just can't forgive her for betraying me so badly. I just want to go one and be me not P** T***** or M***** the looser. I relate that name with how she treats me, like a looser. I am going to think about it and pray about it but I have to find a way to get the tightness out of my chest now. I won't ever give her a chance to hurt me ever again. I hope you don't think I am crazy, I am just trying to find a way to get rid of my emotional pain and it isn't easy.

Well, just remember I love you. I know your busy and don't expect you to call right away.

Love,
Me

( This is the email I sent to my sister. She is the only family member who even talks to me. I haven't lived in Fla for 30 years. I raised my kids alone up here in the north. I can count on one hand how many times my parents have visited me. It was easier for them to visit me then for me to visit them with raising 3 kids alone. My mother is very, very controlling and abusive. She has turned my entire family against me except for the ones that won't talk to her because they think (she) is nuts. I really have tried to forgive her but she just keeps doing more horrible things to abuse me. I will think long and hard about the name change thing. I am praying about this too. I certainly don't want to cause more pain for myself. I could cry every day but if I do I loose even more strength. I so greatly appreciate the advice and support. Thank you all.

( The L**** is an ex husband I was married to for 2 years when I was very young. He has become very financially succsessful in the last few years. Suddenly she and he are good friends. Look in my profile at my first thread. It will explain.)

I've changed my name. One unexpected benefit: It provides an excellent litmus test to see who in my family respects my feelings, and who doesn't. Verbal and emotional abuse can be so subtle that a lot of times the victim misses it. But there's no denying who calls me by my birth name, thus giving me the message "I don't give a darn what you want," and who calls me by the name I selected, thereby saying, "Your feelings matter to me." (I make allowances for relatives in a compromised mental state, who may not be able to adapt to the change.)

There is a lot of emotional baggage attached to a name. I've been yelled at so much that I cannot hear my own birth name without thinking, "What am I in trouble for now?" I just grew to hate the sound of it. Besides, it was easy to turn into a joke (which school kids gladly did!) and in my opinion was too boyish. I wanted a name that clearly said "feminine."

That is what my husband has found also. My only concern is that you expect this change to take away your pain. It's not going to do that. Change your name for you. Change your name to stop that association. But the pain, go to therapy for. Lots of therapy.

Yep. I agree.

Thank you. I feel the very same way. My name makes me feel like a looser and I have never done anything to deserve that lable. I don't use drugs and only drink on occasion. Really, honestly, the worst thing I did as a teen was once I got drunk with a neighbor kid and I got caught smoking cigarettes and the normal teen attitude. I followed a sister I could not live up to. I was told I would never go to college ( which I am now ha ha ) and blamed for just about anything that happened in our house. It was horrible. One would think that life would get better when you get older. I don't think my mother knew she was destroying me. She knows now. It's all over the TV, newspapers and internet. I have been married twice once when I was very young. The second husband is an alcoholic. Both were controlling and mean, just like mother. I will see her only one more time, when she is ready to pass. I will have my college degree in hand and I will say goodbye and watch her cry like she has made me cry for many, many years. I will fix me, name change or not. I will continue to pray and ask God to help me forgive her. Maybe I will someday. Thanks for listening once again...

When we moved away from our family and those that had hurt us so bad. I had change my name it was not in any way of getting back at them but a way to stop the reminders of all the time I was abused and called by that name. I(WE) took our time and researched names for what we wanted to become my chosen name means stong woman full of grace and mighty worrorer. So when you do fallow through with it or not just looking at the meaning of names just may help you find out what you want to believe in youself not the lies someone forced you to beleive as a child. The change in me (Us) did not happen over night but it gave us a goal, something to believe in until we found the faith in our hearts to accept our selves and the belief in our minds as well good luck. And all you need to do it go to your local court house to fill in the paper work. They should have a legal libarary or google it on line. WE can honestly say that it was a big help in our healing no longer being called a negative word no more. Good luck!

goodgirl, I sincerely hope a name change will help you in the days ahead to ameliorate the horror that haunts you so. May you also find a therapist worthy of the task you present. You are in my thoughts.

Please continue to post so we know how you are doing.

Pax vobiscum.