I need help figuring this out

I have always been against abortion. But in a way that made my insides hurt. I had such strong reactions whenever this came in discussion, that they seemed a little overboard even for me. I just got so fired up… I remember feeling strongly about this even when I was at an age when I didn't really understand the implications of abortion. I didn't even understand what it really meant, but I hated it with all my heart
At a young age I had learned 3 things
1. My mum wanted only two children
2. My mum had an extra uterine pregnancy, after my older sister and before me
3. My mum had 4 or 3 abortions after me, because of the reason listed at no.1

I am a troubled individual, that for now doesn't have access to a professional. So I have to try and figure all this out myself. Reading about post traumatic stress disorder, I kind of saw a pattern that fit my profile. But I couldn't recall any event that could traumatize me at such extent. Sure I had been born almost dead, with the umbilical chord wrapped three times around my neck, but I don't think that qualifies.

A couple nights ago as I tried to escape my usual torment by dreaming about fairies and dragons, this thought refused to be silenced. And it hit me so hard that for the last few days I have been a wreck.
If the no.2 pregnancy had been viable my mum would have aborted me without any sign of remorse.(I have asked her before and she doesn't think that what she did was wrong)
In the back of my head I keep thinking I should just be happy I was lucky enough to be born but I just can't. Instead my brain just repeats over and over again: my mum didn't necessarily want me. If I were pregnancy no.4 or no. 5 she would have killed me…

For the first years of my life I had loved my mum so much that when she was mad at me I wanted to die. And then, out of the blue something happened. I started to actually hate her, and not knowing why. Even now, when our relationship has grown and I have learned to understand her, something remained. I am fairly sure that this is it.

And now that I have made the connection I do not know what to do with this. There is always the chance that my theory isn't correct. And if it isn't what do I do? I couldn't ever talk to her and make her feel this guilt. It's a very big guilt, to realize that you could have killed your child and I don't want to burden her. I do love her enough to want to protect her. On the other hand it's eating me up inside. I wish I could forgive and forget I just don't know how.

Please, I really need advice. I am incapable of doing anything at all. I'm supposed to try and get a job, finish my portfolio, and take care of myself(main concerns for now). And I barely manage to feed myself. I can't bring myself to do anything at all. I've been trying to do the dishes for two days now and I just can't. Thank God I don't live alone or the cockroaches would eat me. My room looks like World War Two. I am at a dead end and I am afraid I can't figure this out on my own. So I need some guidance, some similar stories, anything.

Thank you for reading

So sorry you are hurting. You need someone to talk to about this. If not your mom do you have an aunt or grandparent you can talk to? You are trying to figure out a lot on your own and it is no surprise you are feeling the effects of overload right now. Meanwhile take a break from thinking for a while. For me that would me a quiet day in nature. Long walk in the forest and meditative time at the river just thinking about what is positive in my life. Affirming my ability to overcome anything and trusting that in time my questions will be answered. You are feeling a lot of pressure and you need to find a way to unload some of it. Talk to someone and do something nice for yourself.

I'm sorry you're struggling and suffering. I understand why this is important to sort out. I agree with Sanity Seeker - for now put this on hold and take care of yourself. I'm not saying don't deal with it, but you can't deal with it when you're weak. You should discuss this with a therapist. In the meantime I want you to think about this - God granted you your life - yes your mother played a role - but you are meant to be here. Lets pretend that a baby is born to a mother who vehemently doesn't want the baby - that baby deserves to live regardless. Ultimately you can't dwell on 'what ifs'. I do agree though, it is upsetting to discover.

I agree with Sanity & Lynn. You are hurting and need someone to talk with. The sooner the better.
I can relate to some of your feelings. I was born 7 and 8 years after each sister. I've felt that my birth was a mistake even though I was never told that. I was born before abortion was legal. My mother was Pro-choice. So I assume that if given the choice I would not have been born. I'm normally able to turn off that thinking when it comes up so its not overwhelming or whelming to me. I can understand how your feelings could be overwhelming and effect your relationship with your mom. Please seek help soon so that you can get treatment and hopefully your relationship with your mom can be repaired.

I can relate in a way. My mother never contemplated abortion, but my father was pretty intent on getting rid of me after he realized I wasn't the ideal son, which he eventually succeeded in doing by having me committed to a psych ward. However, unlike your situation, I hated my father and adored every minute of disappointing him and tarnishing his reputation.

I think you need to either confront this and end it, or let it go. Brooding about your mother's mistakes isn't going to change the past. And this is too much to worry about with everything else in your life. I agree with the other posters that you need to find someone to talk to while you sort this out.

I don't understand why that thought would be any more important to you than:

• If your mom had wanted only one kid, or none, you wouldn't be here either.

• If a different sperm had happened to get to the egg first, someone else would have been born instead of you.

• However you got here, you're here now and it's a limited-time offer.

(When I don't like some direction that my thoughts happen to be running in, I just let them run and sure enough, in a minute or two they'll be running in an entirely different direction. It's when I'm seriously trying not to think of something that I get into difficulty.)

Just a second as a don my armchair therapist hat. I think you realize that this issue is not about abortion per se, but that you think that your mother didn't want you, probably with a whole lot of guilt that you were "selected" to be born thown in, and probably a whole lot more. These things can get internalized very very quickly can't they?

Why Why can't parent's think before they say something....

In a perfect sort of -well there you have it, get on with it - world, I think fool_zeros thoughts are correct. For whatever reason, you're here and that's an overwhelmingly good thing. It's a gift of life for you to use.

But things do get murky, upsetting, and we can very easily end up carrying things that aren't ours to carry. It's just not that easy to shrug them off. Sometimes it takes help and a lot of work.

I would highly recommend that you seek treatment from a therapist/counselor/professional to work through this. It might help you to be free from some of this and help it to be a good life, this one that you have.

thanks everybody for you support. i am so tired emotionally that i can't bring myself to write anything more that i am really grateful for all your words.

Hang in there girl. You are precious. I know sometimes when I am seeing the dark side of life I write a list of things I am grateful for and dwell on them for while. It can sometimes give me much needed emotional energy. There are so many questions that can buzz around in our heads and leave us drained emotionally for lack of answers. Treat youself to something special. Give yourself a break hun. Hugs.

Hi. Just a quick note and to say as everyone else has, "hang in there." This isn't about abortion, it's about coping. I am in agreement with Ellie, LynnP and HereIamBp, talk it out but give yourself time to integrate each feeling. Fool Hero has made a good point too. Take good care.

(((((((( lhmt ))))))))