Need to talk

Hi, I am brand-new here. I "joined" yesterday and posted a few posts to the "Psychotherapy" section. Then, this morning, I got some devastating news and am so upset.

Here's the situation. I am currently in therapy due to relationship issues (specifically, my husband has cheated on me and we're trying to work thru this mess). My best friend in the whole world called me this morning to tell me that her husband feels that I am a bad influence on her and their family since I am trying to work on my marriage instead of divorcing my husband (we've been married 14 years w/ 2 young kids). He thinks that I am allowing myself to be treated like a doormat and he doesn't want that kind of influence on his family. Keep in mind that I only found out about this affair one month ago and am still reeling with the shock and trying to figure out what I am doing.

I am devastated as I am losing my closest friend in a time where I am EXTREMELY needy. I am also angry that he would feel this way and also that SHE would allow him to dictate to her who her friends should be. I am just trying to keep my family together. Shouldn't friends support you? I feel so alone right now.

We have been close friends for 4 years - our kids are the same age, our families have socialized for years, we have lunch several times a week, get our hair and nails done at the same place, etc. Now what do I do?

I can imagine your devastation and I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm here if you need to talk...we can go into chat and I'm hear to listen. You can also PM me...do you see how to do that yet?

And....WELCOME!!! Great to have you here and you'll find alot of really good support to help you through this tough time.

Missi

Hi and welcome to the boards! You'll soon feel at home with us.

In my opinion, YOU are the one that's doing the right thing. You're a much bigger person that your friend and her husband. Don't let their narrowmindedness get you down. It will be difficult for now, but there's a chance that this man will change his mind. It's his own basic insecurities that have made him react like he has.

Basically, I went through the same thing when I divorced my first husband. Guess the situations are reversed, but it's still a difficult time. This is when you find out who your true friends are. If they abandon you, they weren't real friends to begin with. That makes it doubly hard.

So glad that you found us because we'll stick by you, support you, understand you.

Wish I could go with you to get my nails done, though!

Hang in there. We'll help you get through this.

Hi NeedtoRelax,

Very sorry to hear that your husband has cheated on you, and hope that you and him are able to resolve your problems with proper counseling etc.
However, my concern is how you feel about how your friend, and how 'her husband' feels about you. You said that your friends husband "Feels" as though you are a bad influence! He has a right to Feel anyway he wants to. And that is his problem! I feel as though I'd like to win a million dollars, but my feelings aren't going to make that come true. I don't mean to sound harsh, but really, I think you should, at this point, seperate the situations between friends, and family. Family problems come first!, and secondly, how good a friend is she, if she is so quickly influenced by her husband?
I'm sure that you have millions of emotions running through your head, but by prioritizing them as to which is the most important first, and working on them first, and put friends 2nd may help you sort through your problems. Also, very close family members are better to turn to then a 'very good friend'!
Hope this helps in someway, but I just had to add my positive thoughts. Hang in there, and with support, you will come through this ok!
Sincerely,

SongBird

NeedtoRelax,

First let me say welcome to Psych Central! You can call me Mel.
You will find many friends here. We all like to listen and help when we can.
I am here and will listen anytime!

I am sorry that you are going through this! I know how pianful it is, and how hard the fight to keep it all together is! SO PM me if you need a listening ear

((((((((((((((Needtorelax))))))))))))))))

I am sorry this is happening to you. dealing with the situation with your husband is hard enough without losing your best friend in the process.

What you and your husband are dealing with is something that the two of you need to work through, not you, your husband, your best friend and her husband. I dont know why your decision weighs so heavily on her decision to remain your friend.

I agree with Sept. It is a very difficult thing your dealing with and it takes much courage to face it head. After 14 years of marriage and 2 children, I beleive that there are definitly things to be talked about.

I support you, we support you, so please keep posting as often as needed.

BTW, Welcome to PC. Nice to meet you.

welcome! i'm so sorry that friend and her husband have treated you this way. it's not right or fair. they owe you more of an explanation because that one simply doesn't make sense. i'm sorry.

i wish you well, and it sounds like you're taking wonderful care of yourself.

i wonder what these "fair weather" friends would do in your same position. it seems like they're standing on some high ground. i hope they don't fall off the side and experience something similar themselves. some ppl are so judgmental until they've walked in the other shoes. i feel sorry for them.

good luck! keep us informed?

kd

Thank you all for such a warm welcome! You have all made me feel so much better...that and the fact that I just spent the last hour with my T, who basically said what you all have said. (I'm thinking my "friend" timed this when she knew I had an appt w/ my T this afternoon).

Anyway, to further introduce myself...I am 41 years old, am the proud mother of a 10 year old boy and 7 year old girl and as I said, my husband and I have been married for 14 years. I have a complicated history - sexual abuse as a child, postpartum depression after the birth of both my children and a problem w/ anxiety/panic attacks (since I was in my late teens). As I think I mentioned in one of these posts, I have been in therapy, on and off, since I was 24 but for the last 10 or so years with my current T (not continuous though). So then last month I found out about my husband's emotional affair w/ someone at his church (they both deny that it went further than "making out" but who knows). He and I are both in therapy alone and then together and he swears he'll do anything to make our marriage better...he does not want a divorce. (I thought I did when I first found out but have since calmed down enough to be at least willing to work on things).

Sorry for the long-windedness....I think I have found a great group and look forward to a long relationship. Thank you again for your support!