[Rhiannonsmoon]

**Trigger for those who feel or felt bullied**

I used to get bullied at school they used to follow me home and rip my school bag off my shoulder; I was bullied by my brother he physically abused me terribly which I suppose was where my "bully me" badge got tattooed on my forehead or something....

Not really sure what happened today but I stood up to a bully ..I was sad for a little while, I got upset because I had not ever said or wrote a single word to this person who decided it was her place to bail me up and bully me on someone elses behalf.

I felt lost and sad...at first then I felt tired; then it clicked what had been bothering me so much about chat, about leaving the house, what some of my anxiety is about...being bullied pushed around by an ignorant who has no purpose other than to make others feel less than they are or less than they should feel when they are misread or misunderstood...and I know most people have been misread or misunderstood. Someone elses words, very simple words made it all fall into place...one single sentence!

Then I got mad, I got really mad but what does someone who has been bullied most of their life do when they get mad? I cried but that didn't fulfill or satiate the anger. I'm not a trinket thrower or tanty tosser...I've never let it out before; it felt like being naked when someone knocks at the door and in order to get a robe you have to run past the open window..."Oooh oooh what do I do now?" hop back to the laundry and peg 10 teatowels together then peg them to my ears...

Typical I avoid the issue by changing the topic and hopefully make myself laugh by thinking something silly...

The last time I tried to stand up for myself I was told off and when i tried to explain it I got ignored which was in one way worse than being buillied because it proved to me that bullying is ok as long as I am the victim...stand up to it and I'm slapped right back into my place...

So what do I do now? do I place myself in the path of another telling off? What would happen to me this time? Then I thought "NO! Not any more!" So I told them off It was short and sweet and refreshing!

I now know why I've taken the courses of study that I have; to be a psychologist and work with bullies, whether they be kids or adults.

This I think I need to think about...the very thought scares me...have to fix that if I am going to face up to these people

What do you feel about this topic I've always known I hated bullies but I never thought as an adult that bullying was an issue...but of course it is DUH!

Rhia

[Melbadaze]

I think one has to be careful not to become that which one condemns? its hard, I can understand where bullying comes from and as an adult see it more objectively, its not about me its about the bully. I dont give them much power, I don't see myself as a victim. Someone sent me this little story and it makes so much sense...

...

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly. So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so ... Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.

[Ygrec23]

Melbadze: That "Law of the Garbage Truck" is GREAT! I wish there were somewhere here where you could save favorite posts, because I'd save your post there forever.

Rhia: I think bullying is always an issue, regardless of age, though it does diminish as you grow older. But it pops up at odd times, even for older folks. You really can turn around and walk away when someone tries. Or simply stare them in the eyes while they're bullying, wait til they're finished, say nothing and walk away. That disconcerts them. Or of course as you know you can jump right in and interrupt them screaming at them at the top of your voice, not letting them get a word in. That really disconcerts them. But it take so-o-o much energy! Personally, I'm too old to have that energy, but you can do it at yours.

The best of luck to you both!

Take care!

Rhiannonsmoon, I commend you for standing up for yourself. My thought is you needed to be assertive after being bullied throughout your life.

Yes, being assertive can be abused. As I recently commented, we need to pick our battles responsibly. Some are not worth the effort and aggravation.

Friedrich Nietzsche reminds us, "He who fights monsters should look into that he himself does not become a monster. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

Be well.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I don't see myself as a victim

Melbadaze,

I get your point. I'm not sure you get mine. This was a catharsis for me. Though I will say that it sounds like you have never been bullied or I don't think you would a comment that belittles those who have suffered being beaten and bullied most of their life. Those who don't get it, just don't get it.

For me this showed me the chain of where and how the whole thing started for me and how it shaped part of me. As an adult trying to be assertive when one feels like running away because they have never dealt with being bullied it feels amazing when everything falls into place about why certain things are the way they are.

I don't expect you to understand and thats ok. But people no matter who they are come into our lives for a reason and this person came into mine to help me connect the dots at this time in my life as to why some things are the way they are.

Women who are bullied as kids and then as wives rarely escape it at all and will often become reactive in a polarised way, it doesn't make them a bully, it shows that they don't know how to deal with what is happening. I'd rather now stand up for myself and let others judge me as a bully than allow someone to tear strips off me for no reason other than incorrectly percieved slights.

I love the Garbage Truck analogy it is similar to something I do in workshops. Give each person a stack of post it notes and tell them to write every negative thought or feeling they have over an afternoon evening and morning before they leave home the next day for the workshop onto a post it note and stick the notes to themselves. They are to come in the next day wearing their post it notes.

It may look amusing to see 20 people covered in post it notes but when I explain that they carry that with them from just about a 12 to 24 hour period, and all that is negative, they realise what they are holding on to and it brings some people to tears because they finally realise just how bottled up they really are.

Everyone deserves respect it isn't something that is just earned as is often imparted it is a human right; I do think that if something is overtly nasty it is going to evoke a reaction and the person who is being nasty shouldn't expect too much.

I hope you have a really great day and that smiles are thrown at you from all directions,

Rhia

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Melbadze: That "Law of the Garbage Truck" is GREAT! I wish there were somewhere here where you could save favorite posts, because I'd save your post there forever.

Rhia: I think bullying is always an issue, regardless of age, though it does diminish as you grow older. But it pops up at odd times, even for older folks. You really can turn around and walk away when someone tries. Or simply stare them in the eyes while they're bullying, wait til they're finished, say nothing and walk away. That disconcerts them. Or of course as you know you can jump right in and interrupt them screaming at them at the top of your voice, not letting them get a word in. That really disconcerts them. But it take so-o-o much energy! Personally, I'm too old to have that energy, but you can do it at yours.

The best of luck to you both!

Take care!

Dearest Ygrec

I think I'm too old for confrontation, I've avoided it all my life but it finds me. My first bullying epsidoe was with my brother I was a few weeks old and very sick with pneumonia so I cried a lot my mother thought it was amusing because my brother at age 2.5yrs dragged a chair to my basinette climbed onto it and put his hands around my throat and stared to squeeze to stop me from crying.

my mum heard my crying stop abruptly so came to investigate and found my brother strangling me, she speaks of this often and with amusement...all it does is hurt me everytime she brings it up. My brother beat me and bullied me every day of my life until I walked away. a typical day with him was having my face rammed into a sliding door, broken nose was a regular thing for me.

It was a natural progression to be in a series of relationships where I was abused which is bullying whether some people call it that or not. I finally broke free of that 6 years ago and have been working through things since.

I really feel like thanking the person this situation occurred with. Everything fell into place and now I understand much of what I didn't before it happened.

As I said to one person, it was a watershed event for me and I am very grateful because it has brought a level of understanding that I didn't have before it; how I have been afraid of so many things since being very badly molested at 3 and several times after that. It seems I was trained to be nothing but a victim but I have come this far without actually having the victim mentality, just not knowing any better except that I react to seeing others bullied and to being bullied myself. Victim mentality is something that is a choice, I've never had a victim mentality, because to me it was normal and I knew nothing different.

If I put up with it then I can expect no different. That is what this is about. If I stand up and say go to hell I am empowering myself...but others would see that as bullying so there is no escaping it one way or the other...lollll

Thanks so much Ygrec for "listening" and especially for helping guide me through it

Rhia

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Rhiannonsmoon, I commend you for standing up for yourself. My thought is you needed to be assertive after being bullied throughout your life.

Yes, being assertive can be abused. As I recently commented, we need to pick our battles responsibly. Some are not worth the effort and aggravation.

Friedrich Nietzsche reminds us, "He who fights monsters should look into that he himself does not become a monster. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you."

Be well.

Hey Byz,

I have learned something very valuable from you Byz, less is more; keeping it simple keeping things uncomplicated and easy to help or support with few words but a strong presence.

And I looked into my version of the Abbys I made my statement and blocked the person not the issue of why I was reacting; being afraid of the chat room which I still am but understand why now. It's no lomger the people in the chat room it is what happens or might happen in the chat room so that has moved forward. This is something really important for me and something I am grateful for.

Thanks Byz I appreciate your guidance, I appreciate everyones comments they imperative to understanding the person,

Rhia

[Melbadaze]

I edited this post because I am no longer comfortable "defending" myself with stories of my past, so its enought to say you are wrong about me.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I edited this post because I am no longer comfortable "defending" myself with stories of my past, so its enought to say you are wrong about me.

Sorry? what have I done now? If I have offended you in any way I sincerely apologise. It seems we are all sensitive at times and maybe I was with the way you answered so is it an ongoing thing? or are things allowed to be let go?

I think with online communities it is difficult at times to really know what another might be saying and so it is taken totally out of context even when emoticons are used

[Melbadaze]

RM' you said I'd obviously never been bullied, which you had no proof. I simply am pointing out you don't know my story. simple.

(((((( Rhiannonsmoon ))))))

[purple_fins]

argh! I just typed out a whole long response and then I accidentally hit-"backspace" and lost it all!!! argh!!

let me see.. I have to go soon so this won't be as long.... breifly...

I felt lost and sad...at first then I felt tired; then it clicked what had been bothering me so much about chat, about leaving the house, what some of my anxiety is about...being bullied pushed around

I too was bullied at home by older siblings(parents didn't care-- mom had her own violent issues and dad was rarely ever home-- gone gambling most the time).... it sucks when the one place that should be safe-- home-- is also a place of abuse, torment and fear. I think your child part that felt powerless to a stronger abusive sibling and parents that didn't show care, came out ...... she felt lost, and sad and tired.... like how it did to me, it can cause withdrawal-- even from all emotions.(that's me-- dissociation professional)

Then I got mad, I got really mad but what does someone who has been bullied most of their life do when they get mad? I cried but that didn't fulfill or satiate the anger. I'm not a trinket thrower or tanty tosser...I've never let it out before; it felt like being naked when someone knocks at the door and in order to get a robe you have to run past the open window..."Oooh oooh what do I do now?"

Good for you! You got mad! Yes, like you, I've stuffed my feelings all my childhood and adulthood-- I couldn't ever let them see how I felt-- it meant I'd be further abused.... so it felt as if I was so exposed when I finally did.

do I place myself in the path of another telling off? What would happen to me this time? Then I thought "NO! Not any more!" So I told them off It was short and sweet and refreshing!

Hooray for you!! I understand what a great huge step this is!! I do!
Finally respecting OUR feelings-- hooray!
It's not easy to get to this point when all we've known was that we didn't matter, our feelings were never considered and if we tried to speak up we payed dearly for it, instead of being heard or getting help or something. When I give my feelings some kind of power/voice, I get shaky, feel nauseous, dizzy and hot.... like I have the flu. In therapy I'm told that the more I express myself the less the "flu" will take hold of me... I hope they're right.

You went past all that old stuff and burst through it-- good for you-- I think you deserve a trophy!

sorry I lost my other post-- it was much better... but I hope you get the idea from this one.

best to you

fins

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

RM' you said I'd obviously never been bullied, which you had no proof. I simply am pointing out you don't know my story. simple.

A very true statement is the one which says that it is important not become the bully; take your own medicine; is it hard not to because that is all one is shown?

I will push ahead though because those who are confronting drama lovers are so, knowing that some of the people they choose to confront are those who have serious anxiety problems and to me that is not just bullying that is sadistic bullying and I will say so.

I used to have a little sister to protect, she is all grown up now so I can protect myself and I will do.

It is so very sad that people who come here for a "Safe Place" end up being bullied and confronted by people who have nothing better to do other than use this forum to find people to attack.

I came here to heal and to try to help others to heal if I could, I have never, not once had the intention to hurt someone else but now I realise that sometimes in order to stand up for oneself the bully has to get some of their own back