[Fuzzybear]

Do you believe in forgiving someone who hurt you unintentionally because they did not understand your triggers? And because they were hurting a lot themselves? (Who has the right to compare and judge another's pain? I don't ..)

My parents rejected me and I was angry with them for a long time. They knew how hurt I was by their lack of care and respect for me but they never apologized. I wasted a lot of time trying to "make" them realise they had not shown me the respect I deserved as a daughter and a human being. If they had apologized I would have forgiven them. I guess I was naive?

So.... do you bear grudges?

Fuzzy

PS I thought I was doing better. I was wrong. And, at the risk of repeating myself (and I am not the only person here who ever does that) I do not deserve to feel better.

[Miss_A]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzybear}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I am sorry that your hurt because of your parents.
I dunno what to say as I'm the kid here.
But somehow parenting isn't easy?
You are now old enough to make your own decisions.
Lucky, while I'm trapped to follow.
Deep down you can forgive someone in your heart.
In this case why forgive someone, who is still hurting you.
How can you call then parents, if they were never there.
My suggestion is too get on with your own life.
Write a poem about this or song.
Put all the emotions and feelings into it.
So that more people could understand, if you want.
Take care of yourself.
Sincerely, Miss_A.

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Do you believe in forgiving someone who hurt you unintentionally because they did not understand your triggers?

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In theory, yes. In practice it is really really difficult. I suppose you have to think whether it is reasonable that they SHOULD understand your triggers. Whether this was a one off, out of character action. I'm all for second chances. But there is a saying I have come to see the sense of:
"Fool me once - shame on you.
Fool me twice - shame on me."
I suppose my interpretation of this is that one mistake is understandable. To hurt someone once could be an honest mistake. But when it gets more common, when you are being hurt repeatedly in similar circumstances, maybe that relationship is not good.

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Who has the right to compare and judge another's pain? I don't

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Pain is pain is pain. It can't be measured from the outside. You hurt - that hurt deserves recognition. It might be justifiable pain. It might be pain others would notexperience from similar situations. imo it is reasonable for someone to say, "I didn't realise that would hurt you. I'm sorry you were hurt."

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My parents rejected me and I was angry with them for a long time. They knew how hurt I was by their lack of care and respect for me but they never apologized. I wasted a lot of time trying to "make" them realise they had not shown me the respect I deserved as a daughter and a human being. If they had apologized I would have forgiven them. I guess I was naive?

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((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))
I understand this. Idon't have an answer. Except that I don't think you were naieve. I think they were wrong. I don't think you should try to carry the blame for this. But some people just will never "get it." And those of us who do "get it" are left to try to deal with it. It isn't fair, imop. It isn't right, imo. But it happens.
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So.... do you bear grudges?

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I try not to but I guess I do. It's another sign that I am not a nice person? Or maybe it is another sign that I am not perfect.

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I do not deserve to feel better.

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I have to disagree with this. I feel it myself, that I do not deserve to feel better. I know if I said it that you woudl disagree. So I am disagreeing with you, while feeling the same about me. Shall we hide in a hole together? Maybe together we can find a way to make eachother feel better? ALL I have seen of you tells me you do not deserve to feel this way. But I understand how it is that you feel bad about yourself, because I feel it too, about myself. In fact, all I know tels me that very few people (and you are not one of the exceptions) deserve to feel so bad. I wish I could change how you feel but I can't. All I can do is keeptelling you that i think you are a wonderful person and I am glad to know you.
C

[maverick]

Fuzzybear,

To forgive those that have truely hurt you is one of the hardest things to do. But, to hold on to resentment is like having a toxic substance in your body all the time. I told my therapist once how, if I didn't call my dad on the phone, we would never have any relationship because he would never call me. He was an active alcoholic for over 30 years. I told her that I wasn't going to call him anymore, that he was too irresponsible for me to respect him in any way. She said, accept it or not, he's only capable of what he's capable of, and you can lead the relationship because you are capable of more than he is, or you can choose to do less than you are truely capable of, close your heart, and hold on to resentment. So I still call him, and accept his weaknessess, and love him the best I can. It's a pretty weak relationship, but I don't walk around holding anger and resentment anymore (it takes so much energy to do that).

And yes, it's not easy, I know, there's of line of parental figures who never gave me what I needed, but at some point, I have to forgive and let go, it's the only thing I have control over.

I think those who have the greatest adversity, have the chance for the greatest growth; I respect your challenges, and I feel for you! I know I need support to do the right things; and I believe in you!! The hardest thing to change is your expectations. I had to seriously alter mine regarding my father.

Forgiving someone doesn't mean putting yourself in harms way, though, if someone triggers you, you may need to limit your contact, and protect yourself; surround yourself with those who treat you right.

Take care.

[SeptemberMorn]

Fuzzy, I was once told by a minister that you can forgive but it's wise to not forget so that you can keep yourself out of harms way when you know the behavior will be repeated.

Some people don't understand why something can hurt you. You can tell them the reason, but they don't have to accept it or understand it. In that case, you need to protect yourself from their behavior. However, if you don't forgive them, it will fester inside you like an infected, pusy wound and it can reach the point of controlling all your feelings and your entire life until you don't trust anyone. It can also lead you to keep looking for similar relationships of all kinds because it's human nature to look for what's familiar to us. Most often, we're not even aware of what we're doing.

Please take care of YOU. Do what YOU need to do to keep yourself safe.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzwad}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I love your gentleness of spirit, Dear One.

[radio_flyer]

[SeptemberMorn]

Thank ya, Ma'am!

[Perzephone]

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Fuzzybear said:Do you believe in forgiving someone who hurt you unintentionally because they did not understand your triggers?

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I think that if someone honestly didn't know what they said or did was hurtful, and you let them know, "Hey, that hurt me.", and they honestly try to avoid that behavior in the future, then yes, they can be forgiven. If they persist in behavior they know to be hurtful, why keep going back for more?

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My parents rejected me and I was angry with them for a long time. They knew how hurt I was by their lack of care and respect for me but they never apologized. I wasted a lot of time trying to "make" them realise they had not shown me the respect I deserved as a daughter and a human being. If they had apologized I would have forgiven them. I guess I was naive?

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I don't think that just because someone is related to you means you are obligated to take whatever they dish out. Unfortunately, many children and adults seem stuck in dependent situations where they can't get away from abusive or uncaring parents/caregivers - but many independent adults seem to be drawn to continue relationships w/relatives who are just plain mean, uncaring & selfish. I've never understood why, exactly. If you're grown, paying your own bills, living your own life, and dealing with your own responsibilities, why continue to associate with people who are cruel? Just because they, due to some accident of fate, happen to be related to you? We don't deliberately choose (well, most people believe so, anyway, reincarnational soul choices excluded) our birth parents or the people we're related to - so why choose to continue relationships with people who are just bad to be around? When you're an adult, I feel you have the right to choose your own family - be with people who care, accept and are supportive of their other 'family' members. Sometimes a family of good friends is hard to find - most of the people I consider to be family to me now are co-workers, but I consider myself lucky to have such a great 'family' that I see every night at work!

Be angry as long as it's protective & productive anger. If your anger prevents you from getting into situations that will turn out hurtful with the same people you're angry at, then it's protecting you. If you get angry enough to finally tell somebody that they hurt you everytime they talk to you, then it's productive anger. But once anger loses its productivity, when you're walking around in a rage just 'because', then it's probably past time you let the feelings go so you can go on about your life.

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I do not deserve to feel better.

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We all deserve to feel better. We're all worthy of being accepted by others, worthy of receiving and giving Universal and more personal love. Being healthy and at least content in life is the 'normal' state for existence - pain is the body & mind's way of letting you know you need healing - not want healing, need healing.

Blessings & peace to you Fuzzybear. Hope you feel better soon.

[jennie]

every situation is unique. i believe parents are obligated to give tender loving care (TLC) to their children. they should never abuse or neglect their children. if parents violate those principles, then bearing grudges (in a healthy manner) is just, if the child chooses.

[SeptemberMorn]

Maverick, although this post is for Fuzzy, I felt as if your words were for me. How I needed to read those words! Thank you.

[maverick]

SeptemberMorn

You're quite welcome! You're very nice,

M

[wisewoman]

Me too kids, I liked this post. Thank you.

[(JD)]

<font color="blue">My view about forgiveness is easy to say. To comprehend it thoroughly takes a bit... and to enact it is immensely deep...

[b]You do not have to forgive anyone, ever.
There is a difference between saying "sorry" and asking for forgiveness.
There is a diffence between saying you forgive someone, and truly engaging in forgiveness.
Regardless of whether they ask you to forgive them, the act of forgiving benefits yourself, personally. Not forgiving is detrimental to your psychological (and possible physical) health.

depends on the situation. If it is truely unintentional I forgive them. For example My therapist and I had a court meeting to attend. During the meeting I said something that at the time she felt was inappropiate. (I had called the new caseworker by his first name) So when we got outside she lit into me. One of my triggers in the past was having someone yell at me. So I semi escaped by entering my tunnel area (psychiatrists call this area co consciousness - being both aware of the situation, trigger and the floating dissocaited daydream like feelings) So anyway I kept my cool by not saying a word while she yelled and then I walked away. over a course of months (I see her 2 times a month) she learned that everyone on the case was mostly on first name basis and that I hadn't done anything wrong, her yelling at me had triggered and why. She admitted that she had gone about it wrong and appologized she just wanted everything to be perfect - I had a new caseworker new change so to speak. (this was also before she realized what my past therapist and I told her about the past caseworker was true) anyway She was my new therapist trying to do what was best to give me the best chance to get my son back and she tried too hard. It took a while to build up trust again but we did because I knew it was just that she hadnt been on the case long enough.

[Hope4me2]

forgiveness to me depends on the situation.....my mother abandoned me when I was 2 yrs old and has had nothing to do with me every since and she has always lived and still does only 20 minutes from me. Thank goodness we have never ran into each other...I just do not like her and I want nothing to do with her either...Her I cannot forgive for never being a mother to me and just throwing me aside like trash and having a new family. That choice she made has had a BIG impact on my life and I cannot forgive her for that...
sorry if this offends anyone but these are my feelings and I am entitled to HATE my mother and NEVER forgive her if I want too.
sorry for rambling or venting whatever you call it....

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((((Fuzzy)))))))))))))

You deserve to feel better! I know that you don't think you do, and I feel the same way most of the time, but you are a wonderful person and you deserve to feel good and to like yourself.

I know it is much easier said than done, but I do believe in forgiving someone who didn't know your trigges and unintentionally hurt you. If they didn't even know that it would hurt you, then aren't they blameless since they didn't mean to cause any harm? They would probably feel awful about it too, and I bet they would try to learn your triggers so that they don't hurt you again. But if it's hard to trust someone as much after they have hurt you, I think that is perfectly understandable.

One of the girls that I work with intentionally hurt me pretty badly physically yesterday. She doesn't know or care that I was pretty close to already having PTSD, and she may have done more psychological damage than physical. I forgive her though. She is a troubled youth who hasn't been able to learn to care about or respect others, and doesn't know a better way to solve her problems than by demonstrating that she can come out on top in a display of physical power. She will never apologize.

Parents are different because you depended on them and counted on them to love you and take care of you and help you to grow up healthy and whole, and it is particularly traumatic to be let down by your parents.

I guess I do bear grudges, but they are pretty much against people I had trusted, who hurt me a long time ago. And I wish that I could let go, because grudges are a heavy and painful thing to have to carry around with you for year after year.