I'm So Torn and Hurt

First off I don't know where to post this so feel free to move it
Secondly I just need to talk this out somewhere.
So here goes,

I got kicked out of my mothers house the day after mother's day and that was fine with me, I was tired of getting beat up and all the mind games. She was so mad that I got my things and just left without making a scene that she called the cops and said I was kidnapped by my mate. The cop said big deal because I am an adult but she told the cops that I was ruled incompetent by the court system. The cop didn't ask for proof of this but yet decided to get a warrant out for my mate. Well, we ended up meeting with the police after she and my grandfather threatened to kill him and me. The cops said that it wasn't really an issue because that she is just making threats from anger, so he said they aren't really serious. We got the warrant dropped that day as well.

Shortly after the quarter in college ended and I made a 3.974. I was feeling pretty good about this. Even what I had went through that quarter with all the drama I managed to get the highest GPA I have ever got before. A few days later, I was accepted in the LPN program. I should be happy about this and I was at the time; however I'm not anymore.

I have hit so many road blocks trying to get financial aid that it honestly just doesn't feel like all the stress is worth it. In the end I will probably end up having 3 out of the 4 semesters payed for and will have to take out a loan for about $1500. To some this seems like nothing, to me its just not worth going. I don't want to have that over my head, that I owe someone something, its already haunting me and I haven't even looked into it with the school's financial aid person.

Here's the hold up. I down, I am really down. I don't want to be like this anymore. I have fallen for the last time and realized is it really worth getting back up? I honestly don't know.

Most of my littles are so angry and hurting deep within. I can feel their pain and hear their cries. My moods are getting all out of whack. I am higher than the sky then within minutes I drop down to this, six feet under the ground. I am tired of hanging on to this crazy ride. I am sick of going to sleep and waking up screaming and crying because I am reliving my past in my sleep. I am tired of never getting rest. Taking a shower or going outside is a major fear. I panic every day when I go to take a shower because I am scared that he will come in. I haven't taken one in a few days now, I want to but I'm scared. I am scared to go outside by myself because I am afraid that he and my mother working together now to get capture me and hurt me. Its just not safe to. I can't find a safe place at the new house. I just want to disappear, to be invisible, to just be gone from the face of the earth. I am tired of waiting and feeling this way.

I know in my gut that I need to get help, and soon, but guess what? School starts in a week. I can't get help with school starting now.

I do have a psychologist but I could never tell him this. He would look at me and call the doctor to get a referral ready. We pretty much just sit there during a normal session anyway cause I don't like to tell him things in fear of going to the hospital. I just can't afford to go to the hospital now, including financially. I only get so much money for SSI each month, then to pay rent, food, and utilities. I only have medicaid and that doesn't cover much.

Yes, I am on meds but to be honest I haven't been taking them properly, its only abilify. Sometimes I feel so good that I don't think I need to take them. Then when I get down again and think that was dumb to stop taking them. When I am down I can't take them cause I wonder if they are coated with something.

Now, after sitting down and writing all this I have realized something else. How am I supposed to get through this first semester feeling like this? I don't honestly know. I guess I am gonna have to put on a happy face during school then come home every day and have a total breakdown from holding it in. After that I will be such a mess that I can't work on homework and get it done so I will just go to bed and lay there until the alarm clock goes off. So I will get up the next morning at 3 am crying once again and doing my struggling to get my homework like I have always done. Then get to class and realize I forgot about the quiz and spend the next few minutes in the bathroom getting sick because I panic when I get tested, even if it doesn't count towards anything. It shouldn't be this way but I guess it has to be.

...Ignore me, ignore this. It's me being a baby once again. I just needed to think things out for a minute.

I think you did a good job of expressing yourself.

If you have a psychologist you might tell him a few of the things you want to, and see how he reacts. If you trust him from that, then you might tell him a few more things.

In school, you do not necessarily have to put on a tremendously happy face. You don't have to tell other people any more about yourself than you want to. Leave that to people you trust, if any -- and to us here, as you get to trust this place.

Hello, LivingMiracle. I expect you understand it defeats the purpose of having a psychologist if you are not open and forthright. And, why bother with medications if you are not taking them as prescribed?

Good luck in getting back on track.

I think I would go back to taking the meds correctly, see if that makes a difference and maybe even go back to the doctor who prescribed them, tell him the changes in your lifestyle, see if there's anything the two of you can think to do.

If you aren't working with your psychologist, I'd try to find a different therapist or way of doing therapy that worked to support myself better.

You mentioned your partner getting you out of the situatuion with your mother and grandfather but then they're not mentioned again in your story; are they still there and of any help? Friends?

I would start on the 3 of 4 semesters, there's time for something to break with the financing? Things change constantly, maybe there will be scholarships or other monies not available or known about now for the final semester. As much as possible, I would put one foot in front of the other and you know school has been "helpful" to you, a stabilizing influence for you? Use that "habit" to help center you some?

Thanks for the complement. I usually have a hard time saying what I feel but after an hour typing this it all just came together.

I have been with this psychologist for three years and I still have no trust for him. Its been this way with the past psychologists too. I don't trust anybody that I can see face to face. I don't trust myself. I am scared to trust because the ones who you are supposed to trust were always the ones that I got hurt by. I trust you guys more. I can't see you and you can't see me.

As for the school part you are right. I don't have to have a very happy face and its none of their business about my life. I can keep that hushed.

Thanks

Hey,
How you been?
Yeah, I know it defeats the purpose of having a psychologist and on medications if I don't take advantage of them. I never signed up for therapy, it was court ordered when I was a teen and it was suggested that I continue on. I don't like talking to people, I rather type it out. I don't trust my psychologist. I don't trust anyone that I can see face to face. I don't trust myself.

I am supposed to be getting married soon to my mate but I don't really trust him either; I know its sad but its true. Its why I keep saying not now, later and making excuses. I am hoping some trust will spawn but I really don't think I am willing to trust anyone like that. Every time I have trusted someone it has turned out badly and I have gotten hurt. It's just not worth it to me.

As for the meds, they are different story. I try to take them but its rough, everyone inside says not to and I kinda feel like I lose the real me when I take them and it is some sort of control. I guess I rather suffer then feel happy. I guess goes back to me feeling like I don't deserve to be happy.

Anyway, I hope you are doing good

Heya,

I don't think finding a different therapist is going to be the solution. Although changing therapy styles might help. When I was in the psych unit as a teen we did art therapy and that's when I could open up some. Thanks for the idea

Yes my mate is still in the picture and I don't know how. I have tried so hard to push him away and he won't leave me. I know he deserves better than me but he claims "I'm his life, all he wants." I don't want to hurt him, I want to be alone so I don't affect anyone. Anyway his family took me in and I am thankful for that. I guess the only way that he could help more is if I let him into my world of feelings but that is just to risky, just not worth it.

On the financial aid the way I understand it is you have to apply for student loans now but its up to you on when you accept it. I'm not exactly sure yet, I will have to find out on Monday.

Thanks

Whatever you decide, LivingMiracle, I wish you the best. Change in life is a constant. You may feel differently about some of your concerns as yours evolves.

Be well.

LivingMiracle I think you should get back on your meds. I understand what you are saying when you don't feel the same and it has some kind of control. I've been there and quit taking meds for the same reason. My condition got worse and now I realize my medicine helps me to have some normality to my life. I got tired of feeling out of control and decided change is what I needed. I hope this helps and things get better for you. Sounds like you have some good goals in your life and I wouldn't let that go.

Hello ((((((((LivingMiracle))))))))

Sending you support and agreeing that you need your medication properly and you need to trust your phsych. You can't be put in hospital for expressing your truth; I'm sure your doc will look at you with gratitude and relief for being able to open up about what is really going on with you and you will find that once the dam breaks in therapy you will be taking huge steps forward toward healing...

Rhiannon

LivingMiracle, I love that you posted AND asked for feedback. What I hear you say is that you're tired of doing this alone all during drama sessions. You are to be commended.

Take the next step and find someone you can trust enough to open up to - a pdoc or T who listens and asks you if this is the path you'd like to take for your treatment plan. So, talk, meds, middle ground and restfulness go hand in hand. Give yourself a chance.