I have trouble making friends...

I am a fairly lonely person. I don't really have friends and no knowledge of meeting, making, and keeping friends. I am agoraphobic, which has a lot to do with it I guess, but can anyone give me some advice as to how I can meet people and make friends?

I don't know if there is something wrong with me, but it seems like when I do meet someone, the friendship doesn't last long or run very deep. It's more like a very blurry acquaintance, and then it's over. I'm often too shy to talk to people in much depth or tell them about my personal life. That might be part of it.

I just want to know how I can make and keep a friend. Help please.

I'd suggest involving yourself in activities you enjoy, such as church, volunteer work, etc. You'll be around people who have similar interests. Don't give up! I wish you well!

Hello MM,

You will make friends here and you will find it easier to start to talk to people and get to know them...I'm agoraphobic too and I think I am because I don't want friends

I'm agoraphobic too and have the same problem in my life. I recently had one really good friend who was pretty much my only close friend move away. I felt I could truly open up to her unlike most people. I miss her so much and barely go out any more. I'll go out some weekends to see bands. I have a lot of acquaintances in my local music scene but because of my anxieties and being shy I never seem to make any "real" friends.

I don't even leave the house. That might be one reason why I don't have friends. That, and I am self-conscious and don't like for people to see me.

I came here hoping to make friends, so I hope that I do.

My situation looks quite a bit like yours, though for entirely different reasons. I too rarely go out of my house and to an outside observer it probably appears that I have no friends. What I have found over the years is that most people don't want the type of friendship that I am interested in having. I am not looking for companionship or someone to 'hang out' with in a friend; I'm looking for someone that I can call at three o' clock in the morning, say 'I need you now' and they ask no questions and are at my door in 10 minutes. Those people are few and far between.

Oftentimes you hear stories in which someone says, "When something like this happens to you, you really find out who your friends are" I don't want to find out then and so I vet my friends well before I choose them. I'd rather be alone than with people that I can't count on because those 'friends' end up causing more heartache in the long run.

Anyway, I guess my point is this: True friends are hard to come by but so worth it. They are worth waiting for. Most people will sell out their wish for a true friend to just have someone around so they aren't lonely. When I meet those people and see them engaging in a superficial relationship with their 'friends' I pass them by cause I don't want superficial in my life.

Okay, so how do you make a friend... that's hard to describe. I will say this, people are used to having superficial relationships but they yearn for something more. Most people are afraid to bring their authentic self to the table bacause they're afraid people won't lik them if they really know who they are. They wear masks and take a layer off occasionally but still they hide. What I have found, for me, is that when I am open with people - they latch on. People try to relate to one another - they are looking for a connection. If you greet them with superficiality they respond in kind. It's a connection, but a weak one. If you don't have any other connections to another human being, you might settle for that - if you have other connections that are stronger, you let this one go.

For instance, I met a woman the other day who is in a similar situation (we both have spouses in prison). We were having coffee and she told me that she sometimes worries about her husband. I shared a very personal story that spoke about my own fears surrounding my wifes situation and the sleeplessness and nightmares that it had caused. As I said, it was very personal. She immediately tried to relate by sharing something very personal about her own life and fears. I countered by sharing where those fears had come from for me, sharing a portion of my childhood and the abuse I lived through. She blinked. Then she shared her own abuse history. And so on and so on.

When I got home I had two e-mails from her. The first talked about how much she enjoyed the coffee meeting and how it felt so good to share, the second was to tell me that she wasn't sure the first e-mail got the point across strongly enough. That it was like I knew more about her than anyone else in the world after one meeting. It was my own candidness that got her to open up. She wanted a connection with someone and I made it easy by taking off my masks and allowing her to do so too in a nonjudgmental environment. People are reluctant to let such a connection go.

And so here it is in a nutshell, at least for me. Share honestly and openly, listen nonjudmentally and try to understand the person, not the facade. Accept them. Good luck.

I am so lonely

I'd like to have a close friendship like that, but I don't even know anyone's phone number to call them at 3 in the morning. All of my friendships go just to a certain point and then stop. I never tell them anything personal, and they never tell me. I haven't found out how to go past that without sounding needy.

I have three friends, my father, my adult daughter and my wife - though she was my best friend before I married her and remains so. The list is small and you might think it's padded with family members. You'ld be right too But family doesn't make a friend; I haven't spoken to my mother in about 20 years... not mad at her, just don't like her. Anyway...

I understand what you mean about telling people personal things and sounding needy as a result. My thinking on sharing personal stuff is this: If it helps them, then I'll share regardless of how personal it is. I'm not going to let embarressment or shyness stop me from helping someone. Sometimes it's just sharing something that lets them know that I really do understand their predicament, sometimes it's what I did when 'such and such' happened to me.

Sharing part of yourself is a gift. If a person was sharing to get sympathy or attention, then it isn't a gift - it's a tradeoff.

I just don't want to try and share something with someone and sound whiny and make them run away from me. It has happened before.

Share small things, and ask the other person about their small things..

I'm somewhat in the same boat, very lonely, have a hard time sharing details about myself. I would like to talk with you, Manipulated, but only if you're comfortable exchanging email addresses. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

Making friends is like breaking an egg, once you tell someone something you can't "untell" them. And many people thesedays are so very self centred and would hang the phone up if you called them at 3 in the morning. I however would think you had died if I got a call at 3 in the morning, and that would freak me really badly...

It is complicated to make friends when you don't have any and you don't know how to make any. There is a book titled "how to win friends and influence people". I've never read it but I am told that it works. You could read that and get some ideas?

I'm very happy with the way my life is as an agoraphobic. I don't want people coming here, I don't want phone calls, I don't want anyone interfering in my life. I'm happy to sit in my chair, listening to the waves crashing on the beach, making lunch, sharing my life with my partner. The only thing that would make it perfect is if we had a boat to live on.

Maybe I choose not to have friends because they have let me down after I gave everything. When I had nothing left to give they turned on me. When the mental illness got bad and I needed help they turned on me like a cobra on a mongoose. I gave from the heart. Maybe I'm angry at that treatment, but thats the way it is if I am.

I really hope you make friends MM...we all deserve to have someone we can count on and you are no different in that...You could always join comic.com

RHiannon

I'm comfortable giving you my email address. I'll pm you with it.

I'm so sorry that people that you called friends did that to you. I call those kind of people "fair weather friends". When things are going well they're right there to join the party but as soon as things aren't they disappear. I went through a very similar situation with a few people I thought at the time were good friends. I would have done anything for them but as soon as I needed them they backed away. It has made it hard for me now to trust people enough to open up to them. I think because of the narcissistic society we live in today people are unwilling to help others even friends. I think they see it as not their problem or that other peoples problems equal drama and they want nothing to do with it. I can't relate to this kind of thinking at all. Even if it were someone I barely knew that needed help I would be there for them. It is truly a selfish time we are living in. makes it hard for anyone to truly connect anymore.

What I can't figure out is why everyone I know seems only to socialize at restaurants, which I can't afford. Or if I invite someone over, they don't reciprocate. In 15 years I've had various people over for dinner or lunch and only once did someone invite me back -- just for desert, because they didn't feel ready to have dinner guests, but that was fine! I would love to go to someone else's house for a cup of coffee and chat, even if they're folding their laundry at the same time. I'm finding it very hard to reach out at all anymore, but the only friends I have live out of state, so I'm alone too much.

I know exactly how you feel...everytime I meet someone its usually over before they gey to know me...I guess thats my way of control the little I have to control..And also before they hurt or reject me I'll reject them....Hope things get better for you....Peter

Many people seem to lack any depth these days. That is the satus quo. We throw things away too quickly and move onto the next segment in the news without giving much thought to the 150 lives that were lost in a plane crash.
Be youself, give your freewill a chance.
If someone can't accept you for who you are, that is their loss.

There is no reason to accept agoraphobia as a part of your identity. A good therapist can help you resolve that issue and give you honest feedback on how others perceive you and feel around you. As you open up, whole new worlds will open up for you.

if you find out please share!

I've had friends and the relationships seemed close we shared a lot, talked on the phone all the time, etc... and then... they found a significant other, a different interest, or just got busy. i have an empty life, and so those relationships that meant the world to me, were just a tiny blip in their busy schedule. tonight the weekend stretches out in front of me, two days of nothing at all, possibly the grand total of an hour of human phone contact.

there's something about me that's disposable it seems

I think this is a common problem in our society; it's not just a few of us who have trouble making or keeping friends. If you don't live in a close-knit community where everyone went to school together, then you are surrounded by other isolated individuals running between work, errands, the gym, kids' activities... nobody has time. And if you do live in a close-knit community but come from somewhere else, no one knows how to fit you in or even probably thinks about it. I've been banging my head against this brick wall a long, long, time, and I have a headache. My social event of the weekend? My adult daughter is coming for lunch. It will be a real pleasure, but I still hear my inner voice saying, "Jeez, find some friends your own age." I don't know how!

Vamphile, you are not disposable. If you want someone to talk to, send me a PM, I'll be more than happy to give you my contact information. Maybe we could chat on AIM, or Yahoo. At any rate, you're not the only one who feels the way you do, and you're not at all disposable!!

i'm not currently set up with an IM program (new laptop) but when i am, i'm vamphile on all of them.

i do have email. vamphile at gmail dot com but literally twenty five years (i'm 40) has taught me how disposable i am to other people. they care if i'm sick, they don't want me to die, but they can't seem to find the time in tneir busy schedules to talk to me when i'm relatively stable. it's fruatrating.

thank you for the offer of contact. it means a lot.

((((((((Manipulated-Minds))))))))))))
Don't feel bad - I'm the same way. I am very opinionated, and I think that tends to turn people off. I just can't make the effort to reach out to new people. I don't think there's anything wrong with you...it's just a way some of us are. But we'll be ok